^i^i^l!i:s^y;A^■^^^^^^^<^:i:m.l:x::J;l<sm:,M:a: 


GEORGE  HOLMES  HOWISON 


MR.    DOOLEY'S    OPINIONS 


MR.  DOOLEY'S 
OPINIONS 


NEW  YORK 

R.  H.  RUSSELL,  PUBLISHER 

I  90  I 


Copyright,  jgoo-igoiy  by 
Robert   Howard   Russell 

All  rights  reserved 


Entered  at  the  Library  of  Congress,  Washington,  D.C.,  U.S.A. 
Entered  at  Stationers'  Hall,  London,  England 


\' 


v->-J    V    5  C5-  j/^ 


_    K-'-    '^ 


Printed  in  the  United  States 


9^7 


CONTENrs    ' 

r  Page 

•  Christian   Science 3 

Life  at   Newport 13 

The  Supreme  Court's  Decisions 21 

Disqualifying  the  Enemy 29 

Amateur  Ambassadors 37 

The  City  as  a  Summer  Resort 45 

•  An  Editor's  Duties 55 

On  the  Poet's  Fate 63 

The  Yacht  Races 71 

On  Athletics 79 

On  Lying 87 

>  Discusses  Party  Politics 93 

The  Truth  about  Schley 10 1 

Fame 109 

^  Cross-Examinations 117 

Thanksgiving 125 


T 


S49399 


Contents 


Page 

On  the  Midway ,   .     .     .     .  133 

Mr.  Carnegie's  Gift 145 

The  Crusade  against  Vice .  153 

The  New  York  Custom  House 161 

Some  Political  Observations 171 

Youth  and  Age  .     .     . 181 

On  Wall  Street 189 

Colleges  and  Degrees 199 

The  Booker  Washington  Incident    ....  207 


VI 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 


CHRISTIAN  SCIENCE 


Mr.  Dooley' 5  B:pkuom 


CHRISTIAN   SCIENCE 


''W  THAT  'S    Christyan    Science  ?  "    asked    Mr. 
%/%/     Hennessy. 

"  'T  is  wan  way  iv  gettin'  th'  money/'  said 
Mr.  Dooley. 

"  But  what 's  it  like  ? "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  ye  have  somethin'  th*  mat- 
ther  with  ye.     Ye  have  a  leg  cut  off." 

"  Th'  Lord  save  us ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  That  is,  ye  think  ye  have,"  Mr.  Dooley  went  on.  "  Ye 
think  ye  have  a  leg  cut  off.  Ye  see  it  goin'  an'  says  ye  to 
ye'ersilf :  *  More  expinse.  A  wooden  leg.'  Ye  think  ye 
have  lost  it.  But  ye  're  wrong.  Ye  're  as  well  as  iver  ye 
was.  Both  legs  is  attached  to  ye,  on'y  ye  don't  know  it. 
Ye  call  up  a  Christyan  Scientist,  or  ye'er  wife  does.  Not 
manny  men  is  Christyan  Scientists,  but  near  all  women  is, 
in  wan  way  or  another.  Ye'er  wife  calls  up  a  Christyan 
Scientist,  an'  says  she :  '  Me  husband  thinks  he  's  lost  a 
leg,'  she  says.  '  Nonsense,'  says  th'  Christyan  Scientist, 
she  says,  f  r  she 's  a  woman  too.     *  Nonsense,'  says  she. 

3 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

'  Jjro,waii  iyer  Jps(  a  ;leg/  she  says.  '  Well,  'tis  stlirange,' 
say^'th'  v/ife. '  '*Hie*s  mislaid  it,  thin,'  she  says,  '  f  r  he 
Jii^ji%^(A>){il  ^he,  ^ays.  ;*  He  on'y  thinks  he's  lost  it,'  says 
th'  Christyan  Scientist.  '  Lave  him  think  it  on  again,'  she 
says.  '  Lave  him  rayminiber,'  she  says,  '  they'se  no  such 
thing  in  th'  wurruld,'  she  says,  ^  as  pain  an'  injury,'  she 
says.  '  Lave  him  to  put  his  mind  hard  to  it,'  she  says, 
'  an'  I  '11  put  mine,'  she  says,  '  an'  we  '11  all  put  our  minds 
to  it,  an'  *t  will  be  all  r-right,'  she  says.  So  she  thinks  an' 
th'  wife  thinks  an'  ye  think  th'  best  ye  know  how,  an' 
afther  awhile  a  leg  comes  peepin'  out  with  a  complete  set 
iv  tootsies,  an'  be  th'  time  th'  las'  thought  is  expinded,  ye 
have  a  set  iv  as  well-matched  gambs  as  ye  iver  wore  to  a 
picnic.  But  ye  must  n't  stop  thinkin'  or  ye'er  wife  or  th* 
Christyan  Scientist.  If  wan  iv  ye  laves  go  th'  rope,  th' 
leg  '11  get  discouraged  an'  quit  growin'.  Manny  a  man  's 
sprouted  a  limb  on'y  to  have  it  stop  between  th'  ankle  an' 
th'  shin  because  th'  Christyan  Scientist  was  called  away  to 
see  what  ailed  th'  baby." 

"  Sure,  't  is  all  foolishness,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,  sir,  who  can  tell  ? "  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  If  it 
wasn't  fr  medical  pro-gress,  I'd  be  sure  th'  Christyan 
Scientists  was  wrong.  But  th'  doctor  who  attinded  me 
whin  I  was  young  'd  be  thought  as  loonatical  if  he  was 
alive  to-day  as  th'  mos'  Christyan  Scientist  that  iver  ray- 
jooced  a  swellin'  over   a  long-distance   tillyphone.      He 

4 


Christian  Science 


inthrajooced  near  th'  whole  parish  into  this  life  iv  sin 
an'  sorrow,  he  give  us  calomel  with  a  shovel,  bled  us 
like  a  polis  captain,  an'  niver  thought  anny  medicine  was 
good  if  it  didn't  choke  ye  goin'  down.  I  can  see  him 
now  as  he  come  up  dhrivin'  an  ol'  gray  an'  yellow  horse 
in  a  buggy.  He  had  whiskers  that  he  cud  tie  in  a  knot 
round  his  waist,  an'  him  an'  th'  priest  was  th'  on'y  two 
men  in  th'  neighborhood  that  carried  a  goold  watch.  He 
used  to  say  't  was  th'  healthiest  parish  in  th'  wurruld, 
barrin'  hangin's  an'  thransportations,  an'  thim  come  in 
Fatlier  Hickey's  province.  Ivrybody  thought  he  was  a 
gr-reat  man,  but  they  wudden't  lave  him  threat  a  spavin 
in  these  days.  He  was  catch-as-catch-can,  an'  he  'd  tackle 
annythin'  fr'm  pnoomony  iv  th'  lungs  to  premachure  bald- 
ness. He  'd  niver  heerd  iv  mickrobes  an'  nayther  did  I 
till  a  few  years  ago,  whin  I  was  tol'  they  was  a  kind  iv 
animals  or  bugs  that  crawled  around  in  ye  like  spiders. 
I  see  pitchers  iv  thim  in  th'  pa-apers  with  eyes  like  pooched 
eggs  till  I  dhreamed  wan  night  I  was  a  hayloft  full  iv  bats. 
Thin  th'  dock  down  th'  sthreet  set  me  r-right.  He  says  th' 
mickrobes  is  a  vigitable,  an'  ivry  man  is  like  a  conserva- 
tory full  iv  millyons  iv  these  potted  plants.  Some  ar-re 
good  fr  ye,  an'  some  ar-re  bad.  Whin  th'  chube  roses  an' 
geranyuras  is  flourishin'  an'  liftin'  their  dainty  petals  to  th' 
sun,  ye  're  healthy,  but  whin  th'  other  flower  gets  th*  best 
iv  these  nosegays,  'tis  time  to  call  in  a  doctor.    Th'  doctor 

5 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

is  a  kind  iv  gardner  fr  ye.  'Tis  his  business  fr  to  en- 
courage th*  good  mickrobes,  makin'  two  pansies  grow 
where  wan  grew  befure,  an'  to  hoe  out  th'  Canajeen  thistle 
an'  th'  milkweed. 

"  Well,  that  sounds  all  r-right,  an'  I  sind  fr  a  doctor. 
'  Dock,'  says  I,  *  me  vilets  ar-re  thinnin'  out,  an'  I  feel  as 
though  I  was  full  iv  sage  brush,'  I  say.  Th'  dock  puts  a 
glass  chube  in  me  mouth  an'  says,  '  Don't  bite  it.'  '  D'  ye 
think  I  'm  a  glass  eater  ?  '  says  I,  talkin'  through  me  teeth 
like  a  Kerry  lawyer.  '  What's  it  fr ? '  I  says.  ^  To  take 
ye'er  timprachoor,'  says  he.  While  I  have  th'  chube  in  me 
mouth,  he  jabs  me  thumb  with  a  needle  an'  laves  th'  room. 
He  comes  back  about  th'  time  I  'm  r-ready  to  sthrangle  an' 
removes  th'  chube.  '  How  high  does  she  spout  ? '  says  I. 
'  Ninety-nine,'  says  he.  '  Good  hivens  1 '  says  I.  '  Don't 
come  near  me,  dock,  or  ye '11  be  sun  sthruck,'  I  says.  '  I  've 
just  examined  ye'er  blood,'  he  says.  '  Ye 're  full  iv  weeds,' 
he  says.  Be  that  time  I  'm  scared  to  death,  an'  I  say  a 
few  prayers,  whin  he  fixes  a  hose  to  me  chest  an'  begins 
listenin'.  'Annythin'  goin'  on  inside?'  says  I.  "Tis 
ye'er  heart,'  says  he.  '  Glory  be ! '  says  I.  *  What 's  th' 
matther  with  that  ol'  ingine  ? '  says  I.  '  I  cud  tell  ye,' 
he  says,  ^  but  I  '11  have  to  call  in  Dock  Yinthricle,  th* 
specyalist,'  he  says.  '  I  ought  n't  be  lookin'  at  ye'er  heart 
at  all,'  he  says.  '  I  niver  larned  below  th'  chin,  an'  I  'd  be 
fired  be  th'  Union  if  they  knew  I  was  wurrukin'  on  th' 

6 


Christian  Science 


heart/  he  says.  So  he  sinds  f  r  Dock  Vinthricle,  an*  th* 
dock  climbs  me  chest  an'  listens,  an'  thin  he  says :  '  They'se 
somethin'  th'  matther  with  his  lungs  too/  he  says.  '  At 
times  they  're  full  iv  air,  an'  again/  he  says,  ^  they  ain't/  he 
says.  'Sind  fr  Bellows,'  he  says.  Bellows  comes  an' 
pounds  me  as  though  I  was  a  roof  he  was  shinglin', 
an'  sinds  fr  Dock  Laporatteny.  Th'  dock  sticks  his 
finger  into  me  side.  ^  What 's  that  f  r  ? '  says  I.  '  That 's 
McBurney's  point/  he  says.  '  I  don't  see  it,'  says  I. 
*  McBurney  must  have  had  a  fine  sinse  iv  humor.*  '  Did 
it  hurt  ? '  says  he.  *  Not,'  says  I,  '  as  much  as  though  ye  *d 
used  an  awl,'  says  I,  *  or  a  chisel,'  I  says ;  *  but,'  I  says,  *  it 
did  n't  tickle/  I  says. 

"  He  shakes  his  head  an'  goes  out  iv  th'  room  with  th' 
others,  an*  they  talk  it  over  at  tin  dollars  a  minyit  while 
I  *m  layin*  there  at  two  dollars  a  day  —  docked.  Whin 
they  come  back,  wan  iv  thim  says :  '  This  here  is  a  mos' 
inthrestin'  case,  an'  we  must  have  th'  whole  class  take  a 
look  into  it,'  he  says.  '  It '  means  me,  Hinnissy.  '  Dock/ 
he  says.  '  Ye  will  remove  its  brain.  Vinthricle,  ye  will 
have  its  heart,  an'.  Bellows,  ye  will  take  its  lungs.  As 
f  r  me,'  he  says,  ^  I  will  add  wan  more  vermiform  appindix 
to  me  belt,*  he  says.  '  'T  is  sthrange  how  our  foolish  pre- 
decessors,' says  he,  'niver  got  on  to  th*  dangers  iv  th* 
vermiform  appindix,'  he  says.  '  I  have  no  doubt  that 
that's  what  kilt  Methusalem,'   he  says.     So  they  mark 

7 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

out  their  wurruk  on  me  with  a  piece  iv  red  chalk,  an' 
if  I  get  well  I  look  like  a  rag  carpet.  Sometimes  they 
lave  things  in  ye,  Hinnissy.  I  knowed  a  man  wanst,  Mori- 
arty  was  his  name,  Tim  Moriarty,  an'  he  had  to  be  hem- 
stitched hurridly  because  they  was  goin'  to  be  a  ball  game 
that  day,  an'  they  locked  up  in  him  two  sponges,  a  saw,  an 
ice-pick,  a  goold  watch,  an'  a  pair  iv  curl  in'  irons  belongin' 
to  wan  iv  th'  nurses.  He  tol'  me  he  did  n't  feel  well  but 
he  didn't  think  annythin'  iv  it  till  he  noticed  that  he 
jingled  whin  he  walked. 

"That's  what  they  do  with  ye  nowadays,  Hinnissy. 
Ivry  time  I  go  into  Dock  Cassidy's  office,  he  gives  me  a 
look  that  makes  me  wisht  I  'd  wore  a  suit  iv  chain  armor. 
His  eyes  seem  to  say,  '  Can  I  come  in  ? '  Between  th' 
Christyan  Scientists  an'  him,  't  is  a  question  iv  whether  ye 
want  to  be  threated  like  a  loonytic  or  like  a  can  iv  pre- 
sarved  vigitables.  Father  Kelly  says  th'  styles  iv  medi- 
cine changes  like  th'  styles  iv  hats.  Whin  he  was  a  boy, 
they  give  ye  quinine  fr  whativer  ailed  ye,  an'  now  they 
give  ye  sthrychnine,  an'  nex'  year  they  '11  be  givin'  ye  proo- 
sic  acid,  maybe.  He  says  they're  findin'  new  things  th' 
matther  with  ye  ivry  day,  an'  ol'  things  that  have  to  be 
taken  out,  ontil  the  time  is  comin'  whin  not  more  thin 
half  iv  us '11  be  rale,  an'  th'  rest '11  be  rubber.  He  says 
they  ought  to  enforce  th'  law  iv  assault  with  a  deadly 
weepin  again  th'  doctors.     He  says  that  if  they  knew  less 

8 


Christian  Science 


about  pizen  an'  more  about  gruel,  an'  opened  fewer  patients 
an'  more  windows,  they'd  not  be  so  manny  Christyan 
Scientists.  He  says  th'  diff'rence  between  Christyan  Scien- 
tists an'  doctors  is  that  Christyan  Scientists  think  they'se 
no  such  thing  as  disease,  an'  doctors  think  there  ain't  anny- 
thin'  else.     An'  there  ye  ar-re." 

'•'  What  d'ye  think  about  it  ? "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"I  think,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "that  if  th'  Christyan 
Scientists  had  some  science  an'  th'  doctors  more  Christ- 
yanity,  it  wudden't  make  anny  difiP'rence  which  ye  called 
in  —  if  ye  had  a  good  nurse." 


LIFE  AT  NEWPORT 


11 


LIFE  AT  NEWPORT 


"  ^^^  REAT  goin's  on  at  Newport,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

i      -^  "  What 's  Newport  ?  "  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

^^^^  "  I  r-read  about  it  ivry  day  in  th'  pa-aper,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley ;  "  an'  I  know.  'T  is  th'  socyal  capital  iv 
America  this  here  pa-aper  says.  'Tis  like  Wash'nton, 
on'y  it  costs  more.  'Tis  where  th'  socyal  ligislachure 
meets  wanst  a  year  an.'  decides  how  long  we  '11  wear  our 
coats  this  season  an'  how  often,  an'  how  our  yachts  '11 
be  cut  an'  our  frinds.  'T  is  there  th'  millyionaire  meets 
his  wife  that  was  an'  inthrajooces  her  to  his  wife  that  is  to 
be  if  she  can  break  away  fr'm  her  husband  that  ought  n't 
to  've  been. 

'*  Yes,  sir,  it  must  be  th'  gran'  place.  But  'tis  no  aisy 
thing  livin*  there.  In  th'  first  place,  ye  must  have  th' 
money  an'  ye  must  have  th'  look  iv  havin'  it,  an'  ye  must 
look  as  though  it  belonged  to  ye.  That  last 's  th'  hardest 
thing  iv  all.  No  matther  how  much  coin  a  man  has  if  it 
hasn't  been  siparated  fr'm  th'  man  that  arned  it  so  long 
that  th'  man  that  has  it  can  go  ar-round  without  th'  fear 
iv  a  mechanic's  lien  in  his  eye,  they  tear  up  his  ticket  at 
th'   box-office.     Not  f'r   him   th'   patent   midicine   dance 

13 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

where  th'  nobility  goes  as  little  liver  pills,  not  f  r  him 
th'  vigitable  party  where  th'  signs  iv  aristocrasy  appears 
radyantly  clad  as  onions  an'  egg-plants,  not  f  r  him  th' 
jolt  fr'm  Mrs.  Bilcoort  or  th'  quick  left  fr'm  Mrs.  Ras- 
ther.  He 's  set  back  to  about  Cooney  Island,  an'  there  he 
stays  till  his  money  stops  baggin'  at  th'  knees  an'  climbin' 
up  over  th*  collar. 

"  But  't  is  th'  millyionaire's  dhream  to  land  there.  He 
starts  in  as  foreman  in  a  can  facthry.  By  an'  by,  he  larns 
that  wan  iv  th'  men  wurrukin'  fr  him  has  invinted  a  top 
that  ye  can  opin  with  a  pair  iv  scissors,  an'  he  throws  him 
down  an'  takes  it  away  fr'm  him.  He 's  a  robber,  says  ye  ? 
He  is  while  he's  got  th'  other  man  down.  But  whin  he 
gets  up,  he 's  a  magnate.  Thin  he  sells  out  his  wurruks  to 
a  thrust,  an'  thin  he  sells  out  th'  thrust  to  th'  thrustful,  an' 
thin  he  begins  his  weary  march  to  Newport.  First  he  has 
a  house  on  Mitchigan  Avnoo  with  ir'n  dogs  on  th'  lawn. 
Then  he  builds  a  palachial  mansion  at  Oconomowoc. 
They  're  beginnin'  to  hear  about  him  now.  Thin  he  moves 
down  to  th'  sea-shore  an'  roughs  it  with  th'  Purytans,  an' 
fin'lly  he  lands.  'T  is  a  summer's  mornin'  as  his  yacht 
steams  slowly  up  to  Newport.  Th'  aged  millyionaire  is 
propped  up  on  th'  deck,  an'  as  th'  sunlight  sthrikes  th' 
homes  iv  luxury  an'  alimony,  a  smile  crosses  his  face.  ^  Is 
that  th'  house  iv  Mrs.  Rasther  ? '  he  says.  '  It  is,'  says  th' 
weepin*  fam'ly.     *  An'  is  that  where  Mr.  A.  E.  I.  0.  U. 

14 


Life  at  Newport 


an'  sometimes  W.  an'  Y.  Belcoort  lives  an'  has  his  bein'  ? ' 
'  That 's  th'  house.'  '  Thin/  he  says,  '  put  me  congress 
gaiters  undher  th'  bed  an'  hide  me  fine-cut  where  none 
can  see  it/  he  says.     'I  die  con  tint/  he  says." 

*'  What  do  they  do  there? "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,  't  is  hard  f  r  me  to  make  out,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  They  must  have  their  own  throubles.  Ivry  day  I  r-read 
in  th'  pa-aper  iv  a  horrible  catastrophe  at  Newport.  Here 
ye  ar-re  to-day.  ^Misther  Willie  Hankerbilt  met  with 
a  mos'  dhreadful  an'  provokin'  accident  to-day.  While 
dhrivin'  his  cillybrated  gasoline,  Booney-Mooney  five  hun- 
dherd  power  auty mobile,  Purple  Assassin,  at  a  modhrate 
rate  iv  wan  hundherd  miles  an  hour,  accompanied  be 
th'  beautiful  Countess  Eckstein  (who  was  formerly  Mrs. 
Casey-Kelly,  whose  husband's  marredge  with  her  aunt 
was  cillybrated  at  Saint  Gogo's-on-th'-hill  las'  week),  he 
was  r-run  into  be  wan  Thomas  Sullivan,  a  painther  em- 
ployed be  Mrs.  Reginald  Steenevant,  who  is  soon  to 
occupy  th'  handsome  house.  Dove  Villa,  which  is  part 
iv  th'  settlement  allowed  her  be  th'  Dakota  coorts.  Mr. 
Hankerbilt  was  enable  to  turn  aside  to  avoid  th'  col- 
lision, an'  it  was  on'y  be  a  supreme  efibrt  that  he  kep' 
fr'm  bein*  tipped  over.  He  showed  rare  prisince  iv  mind, 
on  which  he  was  congrathulated  be  th'  whole  colony. 
Sullivan  showed  no  prisince  iv  mind  at  all  ayether  before 
or  afther  death.     Manny  iv  th'  cottagers  ar-re  talkin'  iv 

15 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 

havin'  a  law  passed  compellin'  pedesthreens  to  ring  a  bell 
an'  blow  a  hor-rn  on  their  way  to  wurruk,  otherwise 
they  won't  be  a  whole  tire  left  in  Newport. 

"An'  if  it  isn't  bein'  bumped  into  be  pedesthreens,  it's 
bein'  almost  upset  in  a  yacht  or  bein'  almost  dhrowned 
swimmin',  or  almost  sufFycated  at  a  garden  party.  An' 
thin  there  ar-re  burglars.  There  ar-re  burglars  that  break 
into  ye'er  house,  an'  there  ar-re  burglars  that  creep  up  be- 
hind ye  an'  give  ye  a  wallop  with  a  piece  iv  pipe  an'  steal 
ye'er  dinner  nights.  Ye  heerd  about  poor  Mrs.  Rasther. 
Well,  sir,  I  almost  cried.  Ye  see,  whoiver  it  was  med 
Newport,  whin  he  laid  out  th'  spicifycations  set  aside  two 
days  ivry  week  f  r  Mrs.  Rasther's  dinner.  On  thim  days 
Mrs.  Rasther  was  to  eat.  I  don't  know  what  she  done  on 
th'  other  days.  But  two  dinners  a  week  ain't  much  fr 
even  a  lady  an'  light  feeder,  an'  ye  can  imagine  this  poor 
woman  countin'  th'  days.  '  Sundah,  July  eight,  on'y  two 
days  to  victuals.'  '  Mondah,  July  nine,  twinty-four  hours 
to  th'  groceries.'  '  Choosdah,  have  n't  time  to  write  me 
di'ry.'  '  Winsdah,  in  bed,  docther  thinks  nawthin'  seery- 
ous.'  Well,  sir,  wud  ye  believe  it,  ye  won't,  some  on- 
scrupylous  persons,  some  shop-lifters,  disgeesed  as  s'ciety 
leaders,  some  criminals,  took  off  their  shoes  an'  crept  in 
an'  hooked  Mrs.  Rasther's  dinner  nights.  Stole  thim,  be 
hivins.  Lifted  thim  off  th'  line.  I  don't  know  how  they 
done  it,  but  here  it  is  in  th'  pa-aper:  'Newport  much 

16 


Life  at  Newport 


excited.  Mrs.  Rasther's  dinner  nights  stolen.'  I  hope 
they'll  get  afther  thim  Red  Learies  iv  Newport  s'ciety 
an'  sintince  thim,  an'  I  hope  th'  polis'll  raycover  Mrs. 
Rasther's  dinner  nights  an'  she  can  identify  th'  goods. 
What 's  it  to  be  a  s'ciety  leader  if  ye  can't  eat.  'T  is  an 
impty  honor,  be  hivins.     They'se  nawthin'  to  it." 

'^  Well,  why  do  they  live  there  if  it  gives  thim  so  much 
trouble  ?  "  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  ''  I  guess  they  ain't  much 
diflp'rence  between  th'  very  rich  an'  th*  very  poor.  In  th' 
ol'  counthry  whin  a  man  got  th'  money,  he  used  to  buy  an 
estate  an'  thry  to  get  as  far  away  fr'm  annywan  else  as  he 
cud,  an'  th'  on'y  time  he  see  annywan  was  whin  he  wint 
to  Dublin  fr  horse  show  week  an'  sold  all  his  spavined 
horses  to  th'  hated  Sassenach,  an'  come  back  an'  sobered 
up.  But  here  't  is  diflPrent.  Rich  or  poor,  we  want  to  be 
in  sight  an'  sound  iv  neighbors  or  they  'se  no  fun  in  life. 
What  made  Mrs.  Mulligan  rayfuse  las'  year  to  go  to  live 
on  th*  tin  acres  her  rich  brother,  th'  plumber,  offered  her  rint 
free?  She  needed  comp'ny.  She  wanted  to  be  where  she 
cud  get  th'  smell  iv  th'  neighbors'  cookin'  an'  bi'ush  th' 
clothes  line  aside  an'  talk  acrost  th'  alley  with  Mrs. 
Schmittschmitt  an*  see  rollickin'  Terry  Duffy  go  by  on 
his  autymobile  ringin*  up  fares.  So  it  is  with  th'  mill- 
yionaire.  He 's  got  to  have  some  wan  to  set  on  th'  stoop 
iv  his  yacht  with  him  chattin'  about  matthers  iv  th'  Union, 
2  17 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

while  his  wife  has  th'  s'ciety  iv  other  millyionaires'  wives 
an'  can  give  little  Reggy  or  Clarissa  eight  dollars  an'  sind 
thim  down  to  th'  corner  f  r  a  pail  iv  champagne.  As  more 
millyionaires  comes  up,  th'  place '11  be  more  an'  more 
crowded.  It  '11  be  a  conjisted  disthrict,  an'  we  '11  r-read 
in  th'  pa-apers  iv  a  millyionaire  an'  fam'ly  iv  eight  livin' 
in  wan  room  with  on'y  about  two-be-four  iv  oxygen  f r 
each  person.  No,  sir,  they  ain't  th'  breadth  iv  ye'er  hand's 
difF'rence  between  Mrs.  Mulligan  an'  Mrs.  Ganderbilk.  If 
Tim  Mulligan  iver  shovels  his  way  into  a  thrust,  Mrs.  Mul- 
ligan'd  live  at  Newport,  an'  if  Ganderbilk  wint  broke, 
Mrs.  Ganderbilk  wud  be  in  a  tiniment.  'Tis  th'  socyal 
feelin',  Hinnissy." 

"  We  're  all  alike,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  They  ain't  more  thin  three  or  four  hundherd  raillyion 
dollars  difF'rence  between  us,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


18 


THE   SUPREME   COURTS 
DECISIONS 


19 


THE  SUPREME  COURTS 
DECISIONS 


''  IT  SEE,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "Th'  supreme  coort  has 
I      decided  th'  constitution  don't  follow  th'  flag." 

-^     "  Who  said  it  did  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Some  wan,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  It  happened  a  long 
time  ago  an'  I  don't  raymimber  clearly  how  it  come  up,  but 
some  fellow  said  that  ivrywhere  th'  constitution  wint,  th' 
flag  was  sure  to  go.  '  I  don't  believe  wan  wurrud  iv  it/ 
says  th'  other  fellow.  '  Ye  can't  make  me  think  th'  con- 
stitution is  goin'  thrapezin'  around  ivrywhere  a  young 
liftnant  in  th'  ar-rmy  takes  it  into  his  head  to  stick  a  flag 
pole.  It 's  too  old.  It 's  a  home-stayin'  constitution  with 
a  blue  coat  with  brass  buttons  onto  it,  an'  it  walks  with  a 
goold-headed  cane.  It 's  old  an'  it  *s  feeble  an'  it  prefers 
to  set  on  th'  front  stoop  an'  amuse  th'  childher.  It 
wudden't  last  a  minyit  in  thim  thropical  climes.  'T  wud 
get  a  pain  in  th'  fourteenth  amindmint  an'  die  befure  th' 
doctors  cud  get  ar-round  to  cut  it  out.  No,  sir,  we'll 
keep  it  with  us,  an'  threat  it  tenderly  without  too  much 

21 


Adr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

hard  wurruk,  an'  whin  it  plays  out  entirely  we  '11  give  it 
daciut  buryal  an'  incorp'rate  oursilves  under  th'  laws  iv 
Noo  Jarsey.  That 's  what  we  '11  do,'  says  he.  '  But/ 
says  th'  other,  *  if  it  wants  to  thravel,  why  not  lave  it  ? ' 
*  But  it  don't  want  to.'  ^I  say  it  does.'  'How '11  we 
find  out  ?  '  '  We  '11  ask  th'  supreme  coort.  They  '11  know 
what's  good  frit.'" 

"  So  it  wint  up  to  th'  supreme  coort.  They  'se  wan 
thing  about  th'  supreme  coort,  if  ye  lave  annything  to 
thim,  ye  lave  it  to  thim.  Ye  don't  get  a  check  that 
entitles  ye  to  call  f'r  it  in  an  hour.  The  supreme  coort  iv 
th'  United  States  ain't  in  anny  hurry  about  catchin'  th' 
mails.  It  don't  have  to  make  th'  las'  car.  I  'd  back  th' 
Aujitoroom  again  it  anny  day  f'r  a  foot  race.  If  ye're 
lookin'  f  r  a  game  iv  quick  decisions  an'  base  hits,  ye  've 
got  to  hire  another  empire.  It  niver  gives  a  decision  till 
th'  crowd  has  dispersed  an'  th'  players  have  packed  their 
bats  in  th'  bags  an'  started  f'r  home. 

**  F'r  awhile  ivrybody  watched  to  see  what  th'  supreme 
coort  wud  do.  I  knew  mesilf  I  felt  I  cudden't  make 
another  move  in  th'  game  till  I  heerd  fr'm  thim.  Buildin 
op'rations  was  suspinded  an'  we  sthud  wringin'  our  hands 
outside  th'  dure  waitin'  f  r  information  fr'm  th'  bedside. 
'  What  're  they  doin'  now  ? '  '  They  just  put  th'  argymints 
iv  lamed  counsel  in  th'  ice  box  an'  th'  chief  justice  is  in  a 
corner  writin'  a  pome.     Brown  J.  an'  Harlan  J.  is  dis- 

22 


The  Supreme  Courf  s  Decisions 

cussin'  th'  condition  iv  th'  Roman  Empire  befure  th'  fire. 
Th'  r-rest  iv  th'  coort  is  considherin'  th'  question  iv 
whether  they  ought  or  ought  not  to  wear  ruchin'  on  their 
skirts  an'  hopin'  crinoline  won't  come  in  again.  No  deci- 
sion to-day  ? '  An'  so  it  wint  f'r  days,  an'  weeks  an' 
months.  Th'  men  that  had  argyied  that  th'  constitution 
ought  to  shadow  th'  flag  to  all  th'  tough  resorts  on  th' 
Passyfic  coast  an'  th'  men  that  argyied  that  th'  flag  was  so 
lively  that  no  constitution  cud  follow  it  an'  survive,  they 
died  or  lost  their  jobs  or  wint  back  to  Salem  an'  were 
f  rgotten.  Expansionists  contracted  an'  anti-expansionists 
blew  up  an'  little  childher  was  born  into  th'  wurruld  an' 
grew  to  manhood  an'  niver  heerd  iv  Porther  Ricky  except 
whin  some  won  get  a  job  there.  I  'd  about  made  up  me 
mind  to  thry  an'  put  th'  thing  out  iv  me  thoughts  an'  go 
back  to  wurruk  when  I  woke  up  wan  mornin'  an'  see  be  th' 
pa-aper  that  th'  Supreme  Coort  had  warned  th'  constitu- 
tion to  lave  th'  flag  alone  an'  tind  to  its  own  business. 

"  That 's  what  th'  pa-aper  says,  but  I  've  r-read  over 
th'  decision  an'  I  don't  see  annything  iv  th'  kind  there. 
They  'se  not  a  wurrud  about  th'  flag  an'  not  enough  to  tire 
ye  about  th'  constitution.  'Tis  a  matther  iv  limons, 
Hinnissy,  that  th'  Supreme  Coort  has  been  settin'  on  f  r 
this  gineration  —  a  cargo  iv  limons  sint  fr'ra  Porther  Ricky 
to  some  Eyetalian  in  Philydelphy.  Th'  decision  was  r-read 
be  Brown  J.,  him  bein'  th'  las'  justice  to  make  up  his 

23 


Air.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

mind,  an'  ex-officio,  as  Hogan  says,  th'  first  to  speak,  afther 
a  crool  an'  bitther  contest.  Says  Brown  J. :  '  Th'  question 
here  is  wan  iv  such  gr-reat  importance  that  we  've  been 
sthrugglin'  over  it  iver  since  ye  see  us  las'  an'  on'y  come 
to  a  decision  (Fuller  C.  J.,  Gray  J.,  Harlan  J.,  Shiras  J., 
McKenna  J.,  White  J.,  Brewer  J.,  an'  Peckham  J.  dis- 
sentin'  fr'ra  me  an'  each  other)  because  iv  th'  hot  weather 
comin'  on.  Wash'n'ton  is  a  dhreadful  place  in  summer 
(Fuller  C.  J.  dissentin').  Th'  whole  fabric  iv  our  govern- 
ment is  threatened,  th'  lives  iv  our  people  an'  th'  pro-gress 
iv  civilization  put  to  th'  bad.  Men  ar-re  excited.  But 
why  ?  We  ar-re  not.  (Harlan  J.,  "  I  am."  Fuller  C.  J. 
dissentin',  but  not  t'r  th'  same  reason.)  This  thing  must 
be  settled  wan  way  or  th'  other  undher  that  dear  ol'  con- 
stitution be  varchue  iv  which  we  are  here  an'  ye  ar-re 
there  an'  Congress  is  out  West  practicin'  law.  Now  what 
does  th'  constitution  say  ?  We  '11  look  it  up  thoroughly 
whin  we  get  through  with  this  case  (th'  rest  iv  th' 
coort  dissentin').  In  th'  manetime  we  must  be  governed 
be  th'  ordnances  iv  th'  Khan  iv  Beloochistan,  th'  laws  iv 
Hinnery  th'  Eighth,  th'  opinyon  iv  Justice  iv  th'  Peace 
Oscar  Larson  in  th'  case  iv  th'  township  iv  Red  Wing 
varsus  Petersen,  an'  th'  Dhred  Scott  decision.  What  do 
they  say  about  limons  ?  Nawthin'  at  all.  Again  we  take 
th'  Dhred  Scott  decision.  This  is  wan  iv  th'  worst  I  iver 
r-read.     If  I  cudden't  write  a  betther  wan  with  blindhers 

24 


The  Supreme  Courf  s  Decisions 

on,  I  'd  leap  oflP  th'  bench.  This  horrible  fluke  iv  a  decision 
throws  a  gr-reat,  an  almost  dazzlin'  light  on  th'  case.  I 
will  turn  it  off.  (McKenna  J.  concurs,  but  thinks  it  ought 
to  be  blowed  out.)  But  where  was  I?  I  must  put  on 
me  specs.  Oh,  about  th'  limons.  Well,  th'  decision  iv 
th'  Coort  (th'  others  dissentin')  is  as  follows :  First,  that 
th'  Disthrict  iv  Columbya  is  a  state;  second,  that  it  is 
not ;  third,  that  New  York  is  a  state  ;  fourth,  that  it  is  a 
crown  colony ;  fifth,  that  all  states  ar-re  states  an'  all  terri- 
tories ar-re  territories  in  th'  eyes  iv  other  powers,  but 
Gawd  knows  what  they  ar-re  at  home.  In  th'  case  iv 
Hogan  varsus  Mullins,  th'  decision  is  he  must  paper  th' 
bam.  (Hinnery  VIII,  sixteen,  six,  four,  eleven.)  In 
Wiggins  varsus  et  al.  th'  cow  belonged.  (Louis  XIV,  90 
in  rem.)  In  E.  P.  Vigore  varsus  Ad  Lib.,  the  custody  iv 
th'  childher.  I  '11  now  fall  back  a  furlong  or  two  in  me 
chair,  while  me  larned  but  misguided  collagues  r-read  th' 
Histhry  iv  Iceland  to  show  ye  how  wrong  I  am.  But 
mind  ye,  what  I  've  said  goes.  I  let  thim  talk  because  it 
exercises  their  throats,  but  ye  've  heard  all  th'  decision  on 
this  limon  case  that  '11  get  into  th'  fourth  reader.'  A  voice 
fr'ra  th'  audjeence,  '  Do  I  get  me  money  back  ? '  Brown 
J. :  '  Who  ar-re  ye  ? '  Th'  Voice :  '  Th'  man  that  ownded 
th'  Unions.'  Brown  J. :  *  I  don't  know.'  (Gray  J.,  White 
J.,  dissentin'  an'  th'  r-rest  iv  th'  birds  concurrin'  but  f  r 
entirely  diff'rent  reasons.) 

25 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

"  An*  there  ye  have  th'  decision,  Hinnissy,  that 's  shaken 
th'  intellicts  iv  th'  nation  to  their  very  foundations,  or  will 
if  they  thry  to  read  it.  'T  is  all  r-right.  Look  it  over 
some  time.  'T  is  fine  spoort  if  ye  don't  care  f  r  checkers. 
Some  say  it  laves  th'  flag  up  in  th'  air  an'  some  say  that 's 
where  it  laves  th'  constitution.  Annvhow,  something 's  in 
th*  air.     But  there  's  wan  thing  I  'm  sure  about." 

''  What 's  that  ? "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  That  is,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  no  matther  whether  th' 
constitution  follows  th'  flag  or  not,  th'  supreme  coort 
follows  th'  iliction  returns." 


26 


DISQUALIFYING  THE  ENEMY 


27 


DISQUALIFYING    THE 
ENEMY 


WELL,   sir,"   said   Mr.  Dooley,   "th'   Englisii 
ar-re  goin'  to  end  th'  Boer  War.     They  've 
taken    th'    final    steps.     It's    as    good    as 
finished." 

"  What  ar-re  they  doin'  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  Ye  see,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  th'  gover'miut  is  tired  iv 
th'  way  th'  war's  been  goin'.  It's  becomin'  a  nuisance. 
Whin  rayspictable  English  people  go  to  war,  they  don't 
ixpict  to  have  to  keep  it  up  foriver.  They  'se  other  things 
to  do.  But  th'  Boers  wudden't  stop.  Manny  attimpts 
was  made  to  con-cilyate  thim.  '  If  ye  will  lay  down  ye'er 
ar-rms  an'  cut  ye  'er  hair/  said  Lord  Roberts  iv  Candyhar 
an'  Cork  an'  Pretorya  an'  th'  dominyons  beyond  th'  sea, 
*  an'  fVget  Kruger  an  larn  to  sing  Gawd  save  th'  king,  ye  '11 
be  allowed  to  stand  again  a  wall  an'  be  shot.  Otherwise,' 
he  says,  *  I  '11  soon  have  to  take  dhrastic  measures  again 
ye,*  he  says.  *  No,'  says  th'  Boers,  '  we  're  sorry,  but  we 
must  rayfuse  ye'er  kind  wurrud  iv  welcome.     Nawthin' 

29 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

wud  give  us  more  pleasure  thin  to  pro-vide  good  target 
practice  fr  ye'er  galliant  la-ads/  they  says.  *They  need 
it/  says  they.  *But/  they  says,  'gr-reat  as  wud  be  th' 
honor  iv  bein'  burrid  in  th'  Union  Jack  with  a  brass  band 
to  play  over  us,  we  like  th'  glad  free  an'  dishon'rable  life 
iv  th'  veldt/  they  says.  *  We  must  stay  out  an'  injye  th' 
rural  scenery  awhile.  How  do  we  know/  says  they,  *  but 
wan  iv  th'  firin'  squad  might  n't  shut  his  eyes  an'  hit  us  ? ' 
says  they.  *  Well/  says  Lord  Roberts  iv  th'  city  directhry, 
*  if  that 's  th'  case/  he  says,  *  I  'm  goin'  home,'  he  says, 
'  an'  capture  a  few  more  cities  f  r  me  title,'  he  says.  *  T 
niver  fought  such  a  mob  iv  rude  ungovernable  savages  in 
me  life,'  he  says.  ^I  quit  ye,'  he  says.  An'  he  wint 
away  an'  left  Lord  Kitchener  to  r-run  th'  game.  Lord 
Kitchener's  a  gr-reat  man.  He's  kilt  more  naygurs  thin 
an  ny thing  but  watermilons.  He  thried  concilyatin'  th' 
inimy.  He  hanged  thim  whin  he  caught  thim.  Whin  an 
English  marksman  gets  that  kind  iv  a  dhrop  on  a  man,  he 
niver  misses.  But  still  th'  Boers  rayfused  to  come  in. 
Thin  th'  war  was  renewed  with  gr-reat  inergy.  Ye  r-read 
in  th'  pa-apers  ivry  day  iv  a  threemenjous  engagement. 
^  Th'  column  undher  th'  Hon.  Lord  Ginral  T.  Puntington- 
Canew  met  to-day  an'  defeated  with  gr-reat  loss  th' 
Kootzenhammer  commando,  consistin'  iv  Mr.  an'  Mrs. 
Kootzenhammer,  their  son  August,  their  daughter  Lena 
an'  Baby  Kootzenhammer,  who  was  in  ar-rums  an'  will  be 

30 


Disqualifying  the  Enemy 

exicuted  accordin'  to  the  decrees  iv  May  tinth,  fifteenth  an' 
sixteenth  an'  June  ninth,  —  whin  caught.  Th'  Hon.  Lord 
Gin'ral  Puntington-Canew  rayports  that  he  captured  wan 
cow,  wan  duck,  wan  pound  iv  ham,  two  cans  iv  beans,  an' 
a  baby  carredge.  Th'  commando  escaped.  Th'  gin'ral 
larned  fr'm  th'  cow,  who  has  been  shot,  that  th'  Boers 
ar-re  in  disprate  condition  an'  cannot  hold  out  much  longer. 
I  ricommind  that  th'  Hon.  Lord  Gin'ral  T.  Puntington- 
Canew  be  made  a  jook  an'  receive  a  grant  iv  wan  millyon 
pounds  sterling.  He  departed  fr  home  yesterdah,  havin' 
seen  nearly  a  week  iv  sarvice  be  flood  an'  field.'  How  th' 
Boers  sthud  up  to  it,  Hinnissy,  I  niver  can  tell.  I  've 
been  countin'  up  their  casulties,  an'  they  've  lost  enough 
cows  to  keep  Armour  goin'  a  year.  Wan  iv  th'  things  a 
British  sojer'U  have  to  larn  afther  this,  is  th'  care  iv  a 
cow. 

"  Still,  in  spite  iv  th'  ravages  iv  th'  Dairymen's  Own,  th' 
Boers  rayfused  to  come  in  an'  be  governed,  so  th'  cabinet 
held  a  meetin'.  '  'T  is  manifest,'  says  Lord  Sal'sbry,  '  that 
this  thing  has  gone  as  far  as  it  can  go  in  dacency,' 
he  says.  '  They  'se  a  time  fr  all  things,'  he  says,  '  an' 
ivrything  in  its  place,'  he  says.  'We  can't  keep  three 
hunderd  thousan'  sojers  an'  th'  rapid-fire  pote  Roodyard 
Kipling  down  there  f 'river.  We  need  th'  warryors  at 
home  to  dhrive  th'  busses  an'  lade  th'  cotillyons  an'  they 
has  n't  been  a  good  pome  on  th'  butther  an'  Qgg  market, 

31 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

til'  price  iv  stocks,  th'  prospects  iv  th'  steel  thrade,  th' 
opening  iv  th'  new  undherground  or  th'  mannyfacther  iv 
bicycles  since  Roodyard  wint  away.  I  wonder  if  thim 
Boers  don't  think  we  have  annything  to  do  but  chase  thim 
f 'r  th'  r-rest  iv  our  lives.  I  move  we  put  an  end  to  it,' 
he  says.  But  how  was  it  to  be  done?  Some  iv  th' 
cabinet  that  had  been  talkin'  with  th'  warryor-iditors  was 
in  favor  iv  bilin'  all  captured  Boers  in  ile,  but  't  was 
pinted  out  that  this  wud  seem  like  home  to  a  Boer.  Some 
wanted  to  make  Lord  Milliner  a  jook  but  th'  jooks  was 
again  this.  An'  'twas  fin'lly  decided  afther  a  long  an' 
arjoos  debate,  that  th'  war  mus'  be  declared  irrigular. 
Yes,  sir,  fr'm  now  on  'tis  a  non-union  war,  'tis  again  th' 
rules.  Annywan  engaged  in  it  will  be  set  back  be  th' 
stewards  iv  Henley. 

"  Lord  Kitchener  wrote  th'  notice.  He 's  a  good 
writer.  '  Ladies  an'  Gintlemen/  he  says.  '  This  war  as  a 
war  is  now  over.  Ye  may  not  know  it  but  it 's  so.  Ye  've 
broke  th'  rules  an'  we  give  th'  fight  to  oursilves  on  a  foul. 
Th'  first  principle  iv  a  war  again  England  is  that  th'  inimy 
shall  wear  r-red  or  purple  coats  with  black  marks  f 'r  to 
indicate  th'  location  iv  vital  organs  be  day  an'  a  locomotive 
headlight  be  night.  They  shall  thin  gather  within  aisy 
range  an'  at  th'  wurrud  "fire"  shall  fall  down  dead. 
Anny  remainin'  standin'  aftherward  will  be  considhered 
as  spies.     Shootin'  back  is  not  allowed  be  th'  rules  an'  is 

32 


Disqualifying  the  Enemy 

severely  discountenanced  be  our  ladin'  military  authorities. 
Anny  attimpt  at  concealraint  is  threachery.  Th'  scand'lous 
habit  iv  pluggin'  our  gallant  sojers  fr'm  behind  rocks  an' 
trees  is  a  breach  iv  internaytional  law.  Rethreatin'  vrhin 
pursooed  is  wan  iv  our  copyrighted  manoovers  an'  all 
infringemints  will  be  prosecuted.  At  a  wurrud  fr'm  us,  th' 
war  is  over  an'  we  own  ye'er  counthry.  Ye  will  see  fr'm 
this  brief  sketch  that  ye're  no  betther  thin  guerillas  an' 
pirates,  an'  now  be  th'  r-right  vested  in  me  be  mesilf,  I  call 
on  all  persons  carryin'  on  this  needless,  foolish,  tiresome 
conflict  whin  I  ought  to  be  home  dhraggin'  down  th' 
money  fr'm  parlyraint,  to  come  in  an'  be  shot,'  he  says. 
'If  they  don't,'  says  he,  'I'll  con-fiscate  their  property 
that  is  desthroyed  an'  abolish  their  r-rights  as  citizens 
which  they  have  none,  an'  charge  thim  a  little  something 
f 'r  th'  care  an'  buryal  iv  their  fam'lies,'  he  says. 

"  So  there 's  th'  finish  iv  th'  Boers.  They  're  out  iv  it 
now.  They  're  enthries  wudden't  be  accipted  on  anny 
thrack  in  th'  wurruld.  They  have  been  set  back  f 'r  con- 
duck  onbecomin'  an  English  officer  an*  a  gintleman.  Our 
Ang)o-Saxon  cousins  acrost  th'  sea  ar-re  gr-reat  people. 
They  're  a  spoortin'  people,  Hinnissy.  They  know  how  to 
win.  They  '11  race  anny  man's  horse  in  th'  wurruld  if  th' 
jockey  won't  sit  th'  way  he  thinks  will  make  th'  horse  go 
fast.  They  '11  row  anny  crew  in  th'  wurruld  if  th'  crew 
will  train  on  beer  an'  cigareets  an'  won't  be  in  a  hurry  to 
»  33 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

get  through.  An'  whin  it  comes  to  war,  they  have  th' 
r-rest  iv  creation  sittin'  far  back  in  th'  rear  iv  th'  hall. 
We  have  to  lick  our  inimy.     They  disqualify  him." 

"  I  thought  th'  war  was  over,  annyhow,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  if  Chicago  was  as  peaceful 
as  South  Africa,  they'd  be  an  agytation  to  rayjooce  th' 
polls  foorce.  Th'  war  is  over,  Hinuissy,  but  th'  English 
don't  know  it  yet." 


34 


AMATEUR  AMBASSADORS 


36 


AMATEUR  A  MB  ASS  A. 
DORS 


"  T  'M  glad  th'  la-ads  fr'm  th'  Noo  York  Chamber  iv 
I     Commerce  had  a  good  time  in  England,"  said  Mr. 

"*^  Dooley.  "  I  don't  know  what  a  chamber  iv  com- 
merce really  is  onless  't  is  a  place  where  business  men  go 
to  sleep,  but  annyhow,  th'  la-ads  fr'm  th'  wan  in  Noo 
York  have  been  callin*  on  th'  other  hands  acrost  th'  sea,  an' 
now  we  're  so  firmly  ceminted  together  again  wanst  more 
that  ye  cudden't  tear  us  apart  with  a  steam  winch. 
They've  thravelled  acrost  th'  ocean  lavin'  a  thrail  iv 
raorthar  behind  thim  like  a  bricklayer  comin'  home  fr'm 
wurruk,  an'  they  've  got  me  so  closely  knit  with  Lord 
Salsb'ry,  first  be  ties  iv  blood,  thin  be  a  common  language 
which  we  both  speak  at  each  other,  an'  fin'lly  be  a  shovel- 
ful iv  cemint,  that  I  feel  like  wan  iv  th'  enthries  iv  a 
three-legged  race  at  a  picnic. 

•*An'  'tis  on'y  a  few  years  ago  whin  if  wan  iv  our 
chamber  iv  commerce  wint  to  London,  he  was  sarched  at 
th'  dock  f  'r  countherfeit  money  an'  sometimes,  Hinnissy, 
successfully.     I  used  to  pick  up  a  pa-aper  an'  r-read, 

37 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

'Dhreadful  accident  to  an  American  in  England ;  Frozen  to 
death  at  a  Garden  Party'  or  *  Singular  occurrence  at 
Chelsea;  American  gintleman  thries  to  enter  society 
through  a  thransom.'  But  that 's  all  past  by,  Hinnissy. 
'T  is  all  past  and  gone,  an'  we  're  as  welcome  in  England 
as  if  our  language  was  less  common  an'  our  ties  iv  blood 
was  n't  ready  made.  Ye  see,  Hinnissy,  an  American  busi- 
ness man,  whin  he 's  in  this  counthry,  is  a  business  man 
an'  that 's  what  he  is.  He  's  down-town  in  th'  mornin'  at 
eight  o'clock  thryin'  to  beat  a  check  to  th'  bank.  He 
keeps  wan  eye  on  th'  damper  an'  th'  other  on  th'  dure  till 
six,  an'  thin  he  's  homeward  bound  in  a  cable  car  with  a 
hand  on  th'  sthrap  an'  another  on  his  watch  pocket.  He 
leads  a  simple,  pasthral  life  an*  is  widely  an'  pop'larly 
known  as  Cy.  Th'  on'y  pollytics  he  's  intherested  in  is 
who 's  goin'  to  be  ilicted  assissor  an'  how  much  an'  whin 
he  wants  to  know  who  's  sicrety  iv  state,  he  asks  th'  type- 
writer who  's  just  out  of  colledge  an'  has  time  to  larn 
these  gr-reat  facts. 

"  But  whin  he  goes  to  England,  he 's  another  man.  All 
we  hear  about  him  at  th'  time  he  laves,  is  that  Cy 's  been 
ast  to  partake  iv  th'  Merry  Roast  beef  iv  ol'  England, 
which  he  prob'bly  met  whin  't  was  on  th'  hoof,  an'  th'  hands 
ar-re  glad  he  's  got  a  vacation  so  that  he  can  have  a  r-rest 
an'  they  can  sind  out  th'  pail  without  fear  iv  bein'  docked. 
An'  thin,  lo  an'  behold !  we  pick  up  th'  pa-apers  an»  see 

38 


Amateur  Ambassadors 

that  Cy  's  suddenly  become  an  ambassadure.  They  Ve 
rayjooced  Choate  to  th'  r-ranks  an'  Cy  is  ambassadure 
exthraordin'ry  an'  invoy  plinipotootionary,  residin'  at  or 
near  th'  Coort  iv  St.  James.  He 's  met  at  th'  dock  be  th' 
King  an'  rile  fam'ly,  who  escort  him  to  th'  rile  lodgins  in 
Windsor  Castle,  where  he  has  a  fr-ront  room  with  a  bath 
an'  there's  a  jook  to  unpack  his  thrunk.  ^Yesterdah/ 
says  Cy  to  th'  rayporther,  ^  I  spint  a  long  time  with  th* 
noble  King.  He 's  a  splendid  fellow.  I  regard  him  as  a 
most  competent  King,  painstakin',  active  an'  agreeable,  an' 
always  willin'  to  show  goods.  He  felt  thurly  th'  impor- 
tance iv  our  visit,  eemintin'  as  it  does  th'  lieance  between 
th'  two .  gr-reat  Anglo-Saxon  cannin'  establishmints.  I 
said  we  were  bound  together  be  a  common  language,  an' 
he  asked  me  if  I  spoke  Fr-rench.  I  said,  "Noble  King, 
blood  is  thicker  than  wather."  "  We  ought  to  be  proud  iv 
our  blood,"  says  he,  "  We  would  shed  it  f 'r  each  other," 
I  says.  "  Ye  wud,"  said  he.  "  My  prisince  here,"  says  I, 
"  cemints  th'  lieance  between  us,"  says  I,  He  said  it  did, 
but  they  'd  been  so  much  cemint  applied  that  day  he 
began  to  feel  like  a  cellar  flure.  He  graciously  asked  me 
if  I  wudden't  like  to  walk  around  th'  rile  domain  as  far 
as  th'  railway  station.  I  cud  also  see  a  gr-reat  deal  iv  it 
fr'm  th'  window  iv  th*  car.  I  thanked  him,  an'  as  I  was 
lavin'  th'  Queen  enthered  —  wan  iv  th'  most  atthractive 
ladylike  women  I  've  met.     I  shall  niver  forget  her  gra- 

39 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

cious  smile  as  I  heerd  it  goiii'  down  th'  steps.  I  hope  th' 
people  at  home  apprecyates  what  I've  done  f'r  thim. 
They'll  niver  be  another  war  as  long  as  I  live.  I've 
written  to  the  prisidint  to  sind  f'r  Choate.  He  might  as 
well  go  home  an'  go  to  wurruk.  Cincinnati  pa-apers 
please  copy.' 

"  Th'  nex'  day,  Cy  had  a  gr-ran'  time  in  London.  He 
was  allowed  to  pay  his  bill  in  advance  an'  go  out  th' 
fr-ront  dure  iv  th'  hotel.  Gr-reat  crowds  welcomed  him, 
not  with  th'  glad  cries  iv  us  expansive  Americans,  but  with 
such  hearty,  bluff  English  expressions  as,  'Get  out  th' 
way.'  Even  th'  busmen  an'  cab-dhrivers  offered  to  give 
him  a  ride.  That  night  he  was  intertained  be  th'  Wor- 
shipful Comp'ny  iv  British  Merchants  That  Have  Sold 
Out  or  Are  Goin'  To,  an'  ye  bet  Cy  made  a  speech.  Be 
this  time  he  was  an  orator  as  well  as  a  diplomat.  '  Me 
noble  lord  chairman,  me  noble  lords,  me  noble  gintlemen, 
me  noble  waiters/  he  says,  '  D'ye  ralize  that  this  is  wan  iv 
th'  most  important  ivints  in  th'  histhry  iv  th'  wurruld? 
'T  is  th'  first  time  I  've  been  here.  (Cheers.)  Befure  I 
come  to  this  fair  land,  which  has  so  hospitably  welcomed 
me,  an'  see  ye'er  noble  an'  even  rile  King,  they  was  a 
gr-reat  gap  between  th'  two  branches  iv  th'  English- 
speakin'  people.  Siv'ral  times  we  've  been  at  th'  pint  iv 
war  —  wanst  I  raymimber  in  siventeen  siventy-six  an'  again 
in  eighteen  twelve.     I  don't  know  who  staved  it  off  thin. 

40 


Amateur  Ambassadors 

'T  was  befure  I  wint  into  th'  butthrine  business.  But  that 
day  has  gone  by.  I  done  it.  I  say  I,  but  th'  others  can 
speak  f 'r  thimsilves.  Th'  inthroduction  iv  me  Goolden 
Creamery  Butthrine  into  ye'er  fair  land  was  th'  beginnin' 
iv  this  era  iv  peace,  an'  now  that  ye  've  seen  me,  th'  man 
behind  th'  firkin,  ye  know  what  to  expict.  Hereafther 
whin  a  dispute  comes  up  about  a  coalin'  station,  we  '11 
take  it  out  iv  th'  hands  iv  pollyticians  fr'm  Irish  disthricts 
an'  lave  it  to  th'  comity  on  weights  an'  measures  iv  th' 
Chamber  iv  Commerce.  'T  is  a  most  intilligent  body  iv 
which  I  am  Chairman  an'  have  such  associate  diplomats 
as  Higgins  th'  Machiavelly  iv  th'  dhry  goods  thrade,  an' 
Hoontz  .th'  Bismark  iv  th'  pickle  industhry.  F'r  we  ar-re 
no  longer  rivals  in  business,  but  frinds,  ye  havin'  retired. 
We  have  th'  same  language  an'  manny  iv  thim,  th'  same 
bible  or  bibles,  th'  same  missin'  Gainsborough,  a  common 
Shakespere  (if  I  have  th'  name  r-right)  an'  an  uncommon 
lot  iv  bum  actors  playin'  him.  We  ar-re  achooated  be  a 
common  purpose  f'r  to  march  on,  ankle  to  ankle,  ceminted 
so  close  ye  cudden't  squeeze  a  five  dollar  bill  between  us, 
carry  in'  to  th'  ends  iv  th'  earth,  th'  blessin's  iv  civil  an' 
relligous  liberty  an'  shootin'  thim  into  th'  inhabitants 
thereof  an'  teachin'  thim  th'  benfits  iv  ye'er  gloryous 
thraditions  an'  our  akelly  gloryous  products,  among  which 
is  Higgins'  Goolden  Creamery  Butthrine  XXX.  It  melts 
in  th'  mouth.' 

41 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

"  That  ought  to  settle  it,"  Mr.  Dooley  went  on.  "  If 
Cy  was  goin'  to  stay  over  there,  we  cud  adjourn  Congress. 
But  th'  throuble  is  th'  ambassadure  may  have  to  come 
back  to  meet  a  note  an'  thin  our  relations  will  be  about 
th'  same  as  th'  County  Kerry's  with  England  again.  I 
suppose  we  '11  have  to  keep  Choate  so 's  he  can  look  afther 
things  whin  Cy  is  home." 

"  Who  th'  divvle  made  him  ambassadure  annyhow  ?  " 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy  angrily. 

"Sh-h!"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "He's  a  silf-made  man. 
But  I  wish  he  wudden't  put  on  th'  cemint  so  thick.  I  'm 
beginnin'  to  feel  sticky." 


42 


THE  Cirr  AS  A  SUMMER 
RESORT 


43 


THE  CITY  AS  A  SUMMER 
RESORT 


"  IT  ^  THERE  'S  Dorsey,  the  plumber,  these  days?  " 
^y%/  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
^  ^  "Haven't  ye  heerd?"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Dorsey 's  become  a  counthry  squire.  He 's  landed  gintry, 
like  me  folks  in  th'  ol'  dart.  He  lives  out  among  th'  bur-rds 
an'  th'  bugs,  in  a  house  that  looks  like  a  cuckoo  clock. 
In  an  hour  or  two  ye  '11  see  him  go  by  to  catch  the  five 
five.  He  won't  catch  it  because  there  ain't  anny  five  five. 
Th'  la-ad  that  makes  up  th'  time-table  found  las'  week 
that  if  he  did  n't  get  away  arlier  he  cudden't  take  his 
girl  f 'r  a  buggy  ride  an'  he  's  changed  th'  five  five  to  four 
forty-eight.  Dorsey  will  wait  f  'r  th'  six  siven  an'  he  '11 
find  that  it  don't  stop  at  Paradise  Manor  where  he  lives 
on  Saturdahs  an'  Winsdahs  except  Fridahs  in  Lent.  He  '11 
get  home  at  iliven  o'clock  an'  if  his  wife's  f'rgot  to  lave 
th'  lanthern  in  th'  deepo,  he  '11  crawl  up  to  th'  house  on 
his  hands  an'  knees.  I  see  him  las'  night  in  at  th'  dhrug 
sthore  buyin'  ile  iv  peppermint  f 'r  his  face.     '  'T  is  a  gran' 

46 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

life  in  th'  counthry/  says  he,  *  far '  he  says,  '■  fr'm  th'  mad- 
ding crowd,'  says  he.  *  Ye  have  no  idee,'  he  says,  *  how 
good  it  makes  a  man  feel,'  he  says,  '  to  escape  th'  dust  an' 
grime  iv  th'  city,'  he  says,  *  an'  watch  th'  squrls  at  play,' 
he  says.  '  Whin  I  w^alk  in  me  own  garden,'  he  says,  ^  an' 
see  th'  viggytables  comin'  up,  I  hope,  an'  hear  me  own 
cow  lowin'  at  th'  gate  iv  th'  fence,'  he  says,  'I  f'rget,'  he 
says,  ^  that  they  'se  such  a  thing  as  a  jint  to  be  wiped  or  a 
sink  to  be  repaired,'  he  says.  He  had  a  box  iv  viggytables 
an'  a  can  iv  condensed  milk  undher  his  arm.  *  Th'  wife  is 
goin'  away  nex'  week,'  he  says,  ^  do  ye  come  out  an'  spind 
a  few  days  with  me,'  he  says.  ^Not  while  I  have  th' 
strenth  to  stay  here,'  says  I.  ^  Well,'  he  says,  '  maybe,'  he 
says,  '  I  '11  r-run  in  an'  see  ye,'  he  says.  '  Is  there  anny- 
thing  goin'  on  at  th'  theaytres  ? '  he  says. 

"  I  wanst  spint  a  night  in  th'  counthry,  Hinnissy. 
'T  was  whin  Hogan  had  his  villa  out  near  th'  river.  'T  was 
called  a  villa  to  distinguish  it  fr'm  a  house.  If 't  was  a 
little  bigger  'twud  be  big  enough  f'r  th'  hens  an'  if  'twas 
a  little  smaller,  'twud  be  small  enough  f'r  a  dog.  It 
looked  as  if  't  was  made  with  a  scroll  saw,  but  Hogan 
mannyfacthered  it  himself  out  iv  a  design  in  th'  pa-aper. 
'  How  to  make  a  counthry  home  on  wan  thousan'  dollars. 
Puzzle  :  find  th'  money.'  Hogan  kidnaped  me  wan  afther- 
noon  an'  took  me  out  there  in  time  to  go  to  bed.  He 
boosted  me  up  a  laddher  into  a  bedroom  adjinin'  th'  roof. 

46 


I     The  City  as  a  Summer  Resort 

'  I  hope,'  says  I,  ^  I'm  not  discommodin'  th'  pigeons/  I 
says.  '  There  ain't  anny  pigeons  here,'  says  he.  '  What  *s 
that  ?  '  says  I.  '  That 's  a  mosquito,'  says  he.  '  I  thought 
ye  did  n't  have  anny  here/  says  I.     '  'T  is  th'  first  wan 

I  I  've  seen/  says  he,  whackin'  himsilf  on  th'  back  iv  th' 
neck.  ^  I  got  ye  that  time,  assassin,'  he  says  hurlin'  th' 
remains  to  th'  ground.  *  They  on'y  come,'  he  says, '  afther 
a  heavy  rain  or  a  heavy  dhry  spell,'  he  says,  *or  whin 

F  they  'se  a  little  rain,'  he  says, '  followed  be  some  dhryness,' 
he  says.     *  Ye  must  n't  mind  thim,'  he  says.     '  A  mosquito 

I       on'y  lives  f 'r  a  day,'  he  says.    ^  'T  is  a  short  life  an'  a  merry 
wan,'  says  I.     '  Do  they  die  iv  indigisthion  ? '  I  says.     So 
he  fell  down  through  th'  thrap  dure  an'  left  me  alone. 
"  Well,  I  said  me  prayers  an'  got  into  bed  an'  lay  there, 

\  thinkin'  iv  me  past  life  an'  wondherin  if  th'  house  was  on 
fire.  'T  was  warrum,  Hinnissy.  I  '11  not  deny  it.  Th' 
roof  was  near  enough  to  me  that  I  cud  smell  th'  shingles 
an'  th'  sun  had  been  rollin'  on  it  all  day  long  an'  though  it 
had  gone  away,  it  'd  left  a  ray  or  two  to  keep  th'  place. 

\  But  I  'm  a  survivor  iv  th'  gr-reat  fire  an'  I  often  go  down 
to  th'  rollin'  mills  an'  besides,  mind  ye,  I  *m  iv  that  turn 
iv  mind  that  whin  't  is  hot  I  say  't  is  hot  an'  lave  it  go  at 
that.  So  I  whispers  to  mesilf,  '■  I  '11  dhrop  ofl*,'  I  says, 
'  into  a  peaceful  slumber,'  I  says,  *  like  th'  healthy  plough- 
boy  that  I  am,'  says  I.  An'  I  counted  as  far  as  I  knew 
how  an'  conducted  a  flock  iv  sheep  in  a  steeple  chase  an' 

.   47 


Mr.  Dooley" s  Opinions 

I  'd  just  begun  f 'r  to  wondher  how  th'  las'  thing  I  thought 
iv  came  into  me  head,  whin  a  dog  started  to  howl  in  th' 
yard.  They  was  a  frind  iv  this  dog  in  th'  nex'  house  that 
answered  him  an'  they  had  a  long  chat.  Some  other  dogs 
butted  in  to  be  companionnable.  I  heerd  Hogan  rollin'  in 
bed  an'  thin  I  heerd  him  goin'  out  to  get  a  dhrink  iv 
wather.  He  thripped  over  a  chair  befure  he  lighted  a 
match  to  look  at  th'  clock.  It  seemed  like  an  hour 
befure  he  got  back  to  bed.  Be  this  time,  th'  dogs  was 
tired  an'  I  was  thinkin'  I  'd  take  a  nap  whin  a  bunch  iv 
crickets  undher  me  windows  begun  f  'r  to  discoorse.  I  've 
heerd  iv  th'  crickets  on  th'  hearth,  Hinnissy,  an'  I  used  to 
think  they  were  all  th'  money,  but  anny  time  they  get  on 
me  hearth  I  buy  me  a  pound  iv  insect  powdher.  I'd 
rather  have  a  pianola  on  th'  hearth  anny  day,  an'  Gawd 
save  me  fr'm  that  1  An'  so  't  was  dogs  an'  mosquitos  an' 
crickets  an'  mosquitos  an'  a  screech  owl  an'  mosquitos  an' 
a  whip-poor-will  an'  mosquitos  an'  cocks  beginnin'  to  crow 
at  two  in  th'  mornin'  an'  mosquitos,  so  that  whin  th'  sun 
bounced  up  an'  punched  me  in  th'  eye  at  four,  I  knew 
what  th'  thruth  is,  that  th'  counthry  is  th'  noisiest  place  in 
th'  wurruld.  Mind  ye,  there 's  a  roar  in  th'  city,  but  in  th' 
counthry  th'  noises  beats  on  ye'er  ear  like  carpet  tacks 
bein*  dhriven  into  th'  dhrum.  Between  th'  chirp  iv  a 
cricket  an'  th'  chirp  iv  th'  hammer  at  th'  mills,  I  '11  take 
th*  hammer.     I  can  go  to  sleep  in  a  boiler  shop  but  I 

48 


The  City  as  a  Summer  Resort 

spirit  th'  rest  iv  that  oight  at  Hogan's  settin'  in  th'  bath 
tub. 

"  I  saw  liim  in  th'  mornin'  at  breakfast.  We  had 
canned  peaches  an*  condinsed  milk.  *Ye  have  ye'er 
valise/  says  he.  *  Are  n't  ye  goin'  to  stay  out?'  'I 
am  not,'  says  I.  '  Whin  th'  first  rattler  goes  by  ye  '11  see 
me  on  th'  platform  fleein'  th'  peace  an'  quite  iv  th' 
counthry,  f 'r  th'  turmoil  an'  heat,'  I  says,  '  an'  food  iv  a 
gr-reat  city,'  I  says.  '  Stay  on  th'  farm,'  says  I.  '  Com- 
mune,' I  says,  '  with  nature,'  I  says.  '  Enjoy,'  I  says,  '  th' 
simple  rustic  life  iv  th'  merry  farmer  boy  that  goes 
whistlin'  to  his  wurruk  befure  breakfast,'  says  I.  *  But  I 
must  go  back,'  I  says, '  to  th'  city,'  I  says,  '  where  there  is 
nawthin'  to  eat  but  what  ye  want  an'  nawthin'  to  dhrink 
but  what  ye  can  buy,'  I  says.  '  Where  th'  dust  is  laid  be 
th'  sprinklin'  cart,  where  th'  ice-man  comes  reg'lar  an'  th' 
roof  garden  is  in  bloom  an'  ye  're  waked  not  be  th'  sun 
but  be  th'  milkman,'  I  says.  '  I  want  to  be  near  a  doctor 
whin  I  'm  sick  an'  near  eatable  food  whin  I  'm  hungry,  an' 
where  I  can  put  me  hand  out  early  in  th'  moruin'  an' 
hook  in  a  newspaper,'  says  I.  '  Th'  city,'  says  I,  '  is  th' 
on'y  summer  resort  f 'r  a  man  that  has  iver  lived  in  th' 
city,'  I  says.     An'  so  I  come  in. 

"'Tis  this  way,  Hinnissy,  th'  counthiy  was  all  right 
whin  we  was  young  and  hearty,  befure  we  become  en- 
feebled with  luxuries,  d  ye  mind.  'T  was  all  right  whin 
4  49 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 


we  cud  shtand  it.  But  we  're  not  so  sthrong  as  we  was. 
We  're  diff 'rent  men,  Hinnissy.  Ye  may  say,  as  Hogan 
does,  that  we  're  ladin'  an  artificyal  life  but,  be  Hivins,  ye 
might  as  well  tell  me  I  ought  to  be  paradin'  up  an'  down 
a  hillside  in  a  suit  iv  skins,  shootin'  th'  antylope  an'  th' 
moose,  be  gorry,  an'  livin'  in  a  cave,  as  to  make  me  believe  I 
ought  to  get  along  without  sthreet  cars  an'  ilicthric  lights  an' 
illyvators  an'  sody  wather  an'  ice.  ^  We  ought  to  live  where 
all  th'  good  things  iv  life  comes  fr'm,'  says  Hogan.  ^  No,' 
says  I.  ^  Th'  place  to  live  in  is  where  all  th'  good  things 
iv  life  goes  to.'  Ivrything  that 's  worth  havin'  goes  to  th' 
city ;  th'  counthry  takes  what 's  left.  Ivrything  that 's 
worth  havin'  goes  to  th'  city  an'  is  iced.  Th'  cream  comes 
in  an'  th'  skim-milk  stays ;  th'  sunburnt  viggytables  is 
consumed  be  th'  hearty  farmer  boy  an'  I  'go  down  to 
Callaghan's  store  an'  ate  th'  sunny  half  iv  a  peach.  Th' 
farmer  boy  sells  what  he  has  f 'r  money  an'  I  get  th'  money 
back  whin  he  comes  to  town  in  th'  winther  to  see  th'  ex- 
position. They  give  us  th'  products  iv  th'  sile  an'  we  give 
thim  cottage  organs  an'  knock-out  dhrops,  an'  they  think 
they  've  broke  even.  Don't  lave  annywan  con-vince  ye  th' 
counthry 's  th'  place  to  live,  but  don't  spread  th'  news  yet 
f'r  awhile.  I'm  goin'  to  advertise  'Dooleyville  be-th' 
river.  Within  six  siconds  iv  sthreet  cars  an'  railway 
thrains  an'  aisy  reach  iv  th*  theaytres  an'  ambulances. 
Spind  th'  summer  far  fr'm  th'  busy  haunts  iv  th'  fly  an'  th' 

50 


The  City  as  a  Summer  Resort 

bug  be  th'  side  iv  th'  purlin'  ice  wagon.'  I  '11  do  it,  I  tell 
ye.  I  '11  organ-ize  excursions  an'  I  '11  have  th'  poor  iv  th' 
counthry  in  here  settin'  on  th'  cool  steps  an'  passin'  th' 
can  fr'm  hand  to  hand  ;  I  '11  take  thim  to  th'  ball-game  an' 
th'  theaytre  ;  I  '11  lave  thim  sleep  till  breakfast  time  an' 
I  '11  sind  thim  back  to  their  overcrowded  homes  to  dhream 
iv  th'  happy  life  in  town.     I  will  so." 

"  I  'm  glad  to  hear  ye  say  that,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  I 
wanted  to  go  out  to  th'  counthry  but  I  can't  unless  I 
sthrike." 

"  That 's  why  I  said  it,"  replied  Mr.  Dooley. 


51 


AN  EDITORS  DUTIES 


53 


i  AN  EDITOR'S  DUTIES 


i"  ir~^' YE  know  I'd  like  to  be  an  iditor,"  said  Mr. 

I       W  Dooley. 

^^^^  "  It  must  be  a  hard  job,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  Ye  have  to  know  so  much." 

"  'Tis  a  hard  job,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  but  'tis  a  fascina- 
tin'  wan.  They  'se  nawthiu'  so  hard  as  mindin'  ye'er  own 
business  an'  an  iditor  niver  has  to  do  that.  He 's  like  me- 
silf.  I  'm  sick  iv  th'  perpetchool  round  iv  exarainin'  th' 
beer  pump  an'  countin'  up  th'  receipts.  I  want  to  put  on 
me  hat  an'  go  out  an'  take  a  peek  at  th'  neighborhood. 
How 's  Clancy  gettin'  on  with  his  wife  ?  Is  it  thrue  she 
hates  him  ?  How  's  Schwartzmeister's  business  ?  Whin 
is  Flannigan  goin'  to  paint  his  barn?  Afther  I  get 
through  with  me  investigations  I  come  back  here  an' 
give  ye  me  opinyion  on  th'  topics  iv  th'  day.  Be  hivens,  I 
am  an  iditor  in  me  way.  All  I  need  is  a  cover  iv  a  yellow 
man  hittin'  a  blue  goluf  ball  with  a  green  shtick  to  be 
wan  iv  th'  gr-reatest  newspapers  th'  wurruld  iver  see. 
An'  if  it  was  n't  f  r  th'  likes  iv  ye,  I  wudden't  be  alive. 
Ye  're  me  circulation.  Ye  're  small,  Hinnissy,  but  ye  're 
silict.     Ye  want  to  know  what's  goin'  on  an'  ye  want 

55 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

some  wan  to  make  up  ye'er  mind  about  it  an'  I  give  ye 
th'  ivints  iv  th'  day  an'  tell  ye  what  they  all  mane. 

"  But  it  mus'  be  gran'  to  be  a  rale  iditor.  I  come 
down  town  in  a  goold  barooche  fr'm  me  boardin'  house 
an'  brush  aside  th'  cabinet  ministhers  at  th'  dure  an'  go  to 
me  palashial  chamber  with  tillyphone  connictions  to  iv'ry 
part  iv  th'  wurruld.  I  sind  f  'r  wan  iv  th'  spry  rayporthers 
an'  says  I :  *  What 's  goin'  on  up  th'  sthreet  ? '  '  They 
was  a  fight  between  a  man  called  Booley  an'  wan  called 
Fennessy  because  Shannessy  wudden't  wurruk  f  r  Rooley 
anny  longer.'  *  Very  good/  says  I.  *  Ye  may  go/  I  says. 
An'  I  set  down  an'  write  :  '  As  we  go  to  press  yisterdah 
with  our  spicyal  midnight  tomorrah's  extry  edition,  we 
lam  that  a  dispute  has  broke  out  between  capital  as 
riprisinted  be  Martin  H.  Doogan  an'  labor,  th'  bulwarks 
iv  our  liberty,  in  th'  person  iv  th'  affable  little  Oscar 
O'Callaghan.  We  do  not  know  annything  about  th' 
causes  iv  this  unforchnit  dispute,  but  all  we  can  say, 
gintlemen,  is,  arbitrate!  This  is  no  time  f'r  puttin'  for- 
ward silfish  motives.  Th'  inthrests  iv  capital  an'  labor  is 
th'  same,  wan  thryin'  to  make  capital  out  iv  labor  an'  th' 
other  thryin'  to  make  laborin'  men  out  iv  capitalists. 
Therefore,  we  say,  arbitrate,  arbitrate,  arbitrate  ! ' 

"  Whin  I  've  got  this  off  me  mind,  I  take  up  Schwartz- 
meister's  case :  ^  We  view  with  alarum  th'  rayport  that 
Herr  Alfonso  Schumacher  is  demandin'  that  none  iv  his 

56 


An  Editor^ s  Duties 


customers  shud  fork  th'  lunch  befure  makin'  signs  at  th' 
bar-tihder.  This  is  an  inthrusion  on  th'  r-rights  iv  th' 
people  that  shows  how  correct  George  Jifferson  was  whin 
he  made  his  famous  utthrauce:  *0h,  if  we  on'y  knew.' 
How  long  will  this  here  be  tolerated  in  this  community  ? 
We  warn  Herr  Schmittstein  that  we  have  an  eye  on  him. 
We  know  what  he  done  in  Germany.  Let  him  have 
a  care. 

"  On  foreign  politics,  I  'm  akelly  sthrong :  '  A  war 
cloud  has  humped  its  back  in  th'  Balkans  an'  befure 
manny  days,  we  may  look  to  see  Germany,  Rooshia,  Spain, 
an'  Portygal  in  deadly  conflict  with  th'  Dhryboond,  th' 
ZoUverein  an'  th'  Toornydijemind.  Th'  prisint  throuble  is 
joo  to  th'  fact  that  th'  king  iv  Boolgaharia,  Ham  man  H, 
rayfused  to  allow  th'  rajah  iv  Sarvya  to  hang  his  washin' 
on  th'  common  clothes  line  defined  be  Prince  Goochagoo 
in  th'  Council  iv  Nice.  It  will  be  a  sad  day  f  r  th'  wur- 
ruld  whin  these  gr-reat  naytions  begins  to  exchange 
r-rights,  but  we  wired  our  corryspondint  at  Boolywoolygoo 
las'  night  that  we  wud  consint  to  act  as  referee.  Th'  suc- 
cess iv  th'  Daily  Roar  in  arrangin'  th'  diffyculties  between 
th'  Gran'  Llama  an'  th'  King  iv  Siam  las'  year  makes  us 
hopeful  th'  offer  will  be  accipted.     If  not,  lave  thim  fight/ 

"  I  don't  know  that  I  'd  be  as  good  an  iditor  now  as  I 
wud've  been  in  th*  ol'  days.  In  th'  times  whin  Horace 
Greeley  was  r-runnin'  pa-apers,  they  niver  talked  about 

57 


Mr.  Dooley* s  Opinions 

annything  lower  thin  a  face  ca-ard.  'T  was  th'  tahrifF  an' 
th'  war  an'  whether  th'  givermint  ought  to  call  in  th' 
silver  certyficates  or  lave  thim  out  in  th'  night  air.  Thini 
ol'  la-ads  did  n't  know  they  was  such  a  thing  as  lawn 
tennis  in  th'  wurruld.  But  nowadays  an  iditor  has  to  be 
on  to  as  manny  things  as  a  departmint  store.  Wan  min- 
yit  he 's  addhressin'  wurruds  iv  good  cheer  to  th'  Czar  iv 
Rooshya ;  another  an'  he  's  tellin'  Andhrew  Carnaygie  th' 
best  way  to  make  steel  billets  is  to  mix  in  a  little  chopped 
feed ;  a  niinyit  later  he 's  writin',  ^  Clarence  Dudley  has 
won  th'  tennis  champeenship  iv  Noo  Jarsey.  We  ar-re 
glad  to  see  that  this  risin'  young  statesman  is  improvin' 
in  his  volleyin'  though  his  lobbin'  is  still  a  thrifle  lobby,' 
Or,  ^We  lane  sthrongly  to  th'  opinion  that  th'  raysult  iv 
th'  races  yesterdah  shows  that  th'  steel  spinaker  has  come 
to  stay.  Though  't  is  very  thryin'  on  th'  load  wather  line, 
it  takes  a  gr-reat  deal  iv  weight  off  th'  centher-boord, 
which  is  exactly  what  we  said  las'  year.'  Or,  '  We  note 
with  regret  that  Mrs.  Hankerbilt's  ball  gown  was  worn 
with  a  loop  on  th'  pleats.  How  much  more  wholesome 
th'  ol'  fashioned  crinoline.'  I  hate  to  think  whin  a  gr-reat 
iditor  has  settled  th'  currency  question  an'  th'  sthrikes  an' 
partitioned  off  China  an'  handed  insthructions  to  th' 
crowned  heads  iv  Europe,  an'  rivolutionized  th'  packin' 
business,  an'  tol'  th'  ladies  what  kind  iv  a  hat  to  wear 
with  a  lavender  skirt,  he   has  to  go  home  to   his  wife 

58 


An  Editor^ s  Duties 


an'  confiss  that  he  frgot  th'  baby's  carredge.  I  think  I 
wudden't  like  to  be  an  iditor  afther  all.  I  sometimes 
wondher  they  don't  come  out  with  a  line  printed  acrost  th' 
first  page  :  *  We  don't  know  annything  about  it  an'  we 
don't  care,  an'  what  business  iv  ye'ers  is  it  annyhow  ?  ' " 

"  I  shud  think  th'  wurruk  wud  kill  thim,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy,  sadly. 

"It  does,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "Manny  gr-reat  iditors  is 
dead." 


59 


ON  THE  POETS  FATE 


61 


ON  THE  POET'S  FATE 


"  ^  ^  THO  was  it  said  he  did  n't  care  who  made  th' 
\/\/  laws  iv  a  counthry  if  he  cud  on'y  write  th' 
pomes  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 

''  I  niver  heerd,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,  't  was  some  frind  iv  Hogan's,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  An'  th'  man  was  wrong.  He  was  wrong,  Hinnissy.  I 
don't  want  to  make  th'  laws  iv  th'  counthry.  I  'm  doin' 
pretty  well  to  keep  thim  that  ar-re  made  now.  An'  as  f'r 
th*  pothry,  I  'd  as  lave  't  was  wrote  be  other  hands  thin 
mine.  I  was  r-readin'  in  th'  pa-aper  th'  other  day  iv 
a  la-ad  down  in  th'  midway  that  says  Longfellow  that  I 
used  to  think  was  a  rale  good  pote  —  he  wrote  life  is  rale, 
life  is  earnest,  d'  ye  mind,  an'  I  believe  th'  same  mesilf  — 
Longfellow  ought  niver  to've  left  th'  plumbin'  business 
an'  Milton  was  about  as  much  iv  a  pote  as  Edward  Atkin- 
son, an'  Shakespere  shud  be  took  up  f'r  obtainin'  money 
be  false  pretinces. 

"  Ivrybody  has  a  crack  at  a  pote  whin  he  gets  a  chanst. 
There 's  me  frind,  Roodyard  Kipling.  I  don't  mind  tellin' 
ye  he  ain't  my  kind  iv  a  pote.  Hogan  is  more  to  me  taste. 
Did  ye  iver  r-read  his  pomes  '  Oh,  Star,'  an'  '  Oh,  Moon '  ? 

63 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

Well,  that 's  as  far  as  he  iver  wint.  He  goes  home  at 
night  an'  takes  off  his  coat  an'  sets  down  with  a  pencil  in 
his  mouth  an'  writes  :  '  Oh,  Star,'  an'  '  Oh,  Moon,'  an'  thin 
he  can't  think  iv  anny thing  that  wud  do  justice  to  thim, 
so  he  says,  '  Oh,  th'  divvle,'  an'  comes  over  here  f  r  a 
dhrink. 

"Roodyard  Kipling  is  a  diff'rint  kind  iv  a  pote.  He 
don't  keep  pothry  f  'r  style  so  that  he  can  turn  out  behind 
it  an'  say, '  Boys,  what  d'  ye  think  iv  that  f  'r  high-stheppin' 
verse  ? '  Comfort  an'  not  display  is  his  motto.  Whin  he 
asks  what  Hogan  calls  th'  Muse  f  'r  to  come  up  an'  spind 
a  week  with  him,  he  does  n't  expict  her  to  set  all  day  in 
th'  hammock  on  th'  front  stoop  singin'  about  th'  bur-rds. 
She's  got  to  do  th'  week's  washin',  clane  th'  windows, 
cook  th'  meals,  chune  th'  pianny,  dust  th'  furniture,  mend 
th'  socks,  an'  milk  th'  cow  be  day,  an'  be  night  she 's  got 
to  set  up  an'  balance  th'  books  iv  an  empire.  Whin  this 
Muse  has  thrown  up  her  job  at  Kipling's,  she  '11  be  as 
good  a  second  girl  as  anny  pote  wud  want  to  hire.  So 
Roodyard  Kipling's  pomes  is  in  gr-reat  demand.  They  're 
warranted  not  to  tear  or  shrink  or  r-run  in  th'  wash  an' 
he  '11  guarantee  to  fit  all  sizes  an'  ages.  '  Will  ye  have 
wan  or  two  hip  pockets  in  ye'er  pome,  Mr.  Rhodes  ? '  he 
says.  'Boy,  wrap  up  this  package  iv  self-rising  pothry 
f'r  th'  Canajeen  market.  I  can  do  this  kind  iv  a  war 
pome  f'r  ye  f'r  eight  an'  six.'     An'  so  it  goes.     He  's  got 

64 


On  the  Poet's  Fate 


orders  to  put  th'  annyul  rayport  iv  th'  Bank  iv  England, 
th'  crop  statistics  iv  th'  Agaricoolchral  Departmint  an'  th' 
quotations  iv  th'  Stock  Exchange  in  pothrj.  His  pothry 
will  be  listed  nex'  year  an'  ye  can  r-read  it  on  a  ticker  in 
a  saloon.  He  had  a  pome  th'  other  day  showin'  that  th' 
English  army  ought  to  buy  more  horses  an'  mules,  f  'r  as 
he  pinted  out,  a  horse  can  r-run  fasther  thin  anny  man,  no 
matther  what  his  record  may  be.  'T  was  a  good  wur- 
rukin'  pome.  I  did  n't  like  it  as  much  as  th'  ^  Oh,  Star ' 
kind,  but,  sure,  live  an'  let  live  is  me  motto,  an'  if  a  man 
wants  to  insthruct  his  counthry  what  it  ought  to  do  be 
playin'  his  advice  on  a  harp  or  doin'  a  jig,  'tis  not  f 'r 
me  to  criticise  him.  I  don't  want  to  hang  Roodyard  Kip- 
ling because  he  had  a  pome  that  sounds  like  a  speech  be 
Lyman  J.  Gage  on  th'  legal  tindher  act. 

"But 'tis  difF'rint  with  me  fellow  citizens  an'  fellow 
lithry  joynts.  A  few  years  ago  Roodyard  Kipling  come 
over  here  an'  got  pnoomony  iv  th'  lungs  an'  it  looked 
f'r  a  long  time  as  though  th'  nex'  pome  he  figured 
in  wud  be  wrote  with  a  stone  mason's  chisel.  Well, 
sir,  it  leaked  out  that  he  had  a  bad  chest  an'  th'  kind- 
hearted  American  public  begun  to  weep  into  its  beer. 
They  was  a  line  iv  tillygraft  boys  a  block  long  at  th'  hotel 
with  messages  iv  condolence  fr'm  frinds  iv  his  he  niver  see 
or  heerd  iv,  copies  iv  th'  same  havin'  been  sint  to  th'  local 
newspaper.  Th'  pa-apers  was  full  iv  tindher  remarks  to 
5  65 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

th'  gin'ral  effect  that  if  Kipling  died,  Lithrachoor  wud 
count  th'  cash  raygisther,  put  up  th'  shutters  an'  go  out 
into  th'  night.  Th'  articles  was  accompanied  be  silictions 
fr'm  his  copyright  pomes.  Conductors  on  th'  sthreet  cars 
sobbed  at  th'  mintion  iv  his  name^  fatal  cocktails  was 
called  afther  him,  near  ivry  clergyman  in  th'  counthry  side- 
thracked  th'  sermon  on  vice  an'  bracketed  Kipling  with 
Martin  Luther  an'  Rockefellar.  Down  on  th'  Stock  Ex- 
change, sthrong  men  cried  as  they  said:  'Poor  Kipling. 
What  did  he  write?'  Th'  Amalgamated  Browning, 
Omar  Khayyam  an'  Walt  Whitman  Association  iv  tin 
workers  iv  Baraboo,  Wis.,  held  a  meetin'  an'  raysolved 
that  Civilization  wud  lose  an  eye  if  Kipling  wint,  an'  it 
was  th'  sinse  iv  th'  meetin'  that  th'  threasurer  be  in- 
sthructed  to  hire  a  copy  iv  his  book  an'  see  if  it  was 
as  good  as  they  said.  Th'  sicker  he  got,  th'  bigger  man 
he  was.  Ivry  time  his  timprachoor  wint  up,  his  repyta- 
tion  as  a  pote  advanced  tin  degrees.  Bets  was  offered  in 
th'  pool  rooms  five  to  wan  an'  no  takers  that  he  cud  give 
Homer  an'  Shakespere  twinty  pounds  an'  a  bating.  If 
he'd  gone  out,  they  were  goin'  to  put  spectacles  an'  a  fur 
coat  on  th'  goddess  iv  liberty  an'  call  it  Kipling. 

"  Thin  he  made  th*  mistake  iv  his  life.  He  lived.  If 
ye  iver  get  to  be  a  pote,  Hinnissy,  don't  take  any  chances 
on  fame.  Cinch  it.  Jump  into  th'  river.  But  Roodyard 
Kipling  did  n't  know.     He  wint  away  an'  settled  down  an* 

66 


On  the  Poef  s  Fate 


begun  to  hammer  out  a  few  lenths  iv  jinted  pothry  to  sind 
over  to  his  kind  frinds  in  America.  An'  what  did  his  kind 
frinds  do  ?  I  picked  up  a  pa-aper  th'  other  day.  I  raymim- 
ber  't  was  wan  that  had  confissed  to  me  that  if  anuything 
happened  to  Kipling,  th'  iditor  wud  feel  that  he  cudden't 
go  on  with  his  wurruk  without  a  substantial  increase  in  sal- 
ary. Well,  they  was  an  article  about  a  man  that  had  killed 
his  wife,  an'  it  says  :  *  Misther  So-an'-so,  a  well-known  an' 
pop'lar  burglar  on  th'  west  side,  yisterdah  was  so  unforch- 
nit  as  to  sink  an  axe  into  Mrs.  So-an'-so.  It  is  believed 
he  acted  undher  gr-reat  provocation.*  N^ex'  to  this  piece 
iv  society  news  was  a  scholarly  article  on  Roodyard 
Kipling.  'We  have  just  been  r-readin'  a  pome  be  that 
confidence  op'rator,  Roodyard  Kipling,  an'  if  there  is 
a  pressman  in  this  buildin'  that  cudden't  write  a  betther 
wan,  we  'd  feed  him  to  his  own  press.  We  do  not  see 
who  buys  th'  wurruks  iv  this  fiend  in  human  form,  but 
annybody  that  does  ought  to  be  put  in  a  place  where  th* 
green  goods  men  can't  get  at  him.  Whin  we  recall  th* 
tears  we  shed  whin  this  miscreent  was  pretindin'  to  be  sick, 
we  feel  like  complainin'  to  th'  polls.  If  he  iver  comes  to 
this  counthry  again,  we  will  be  wan  iv  tin  thousan'  to  go 
out  an'  lynch  him.  To  think  iv  th'  way  this  imposter  has 
been  threated  an'  thin  see  that  young  swan  iv  Main  Street, 
our  own  townsman,  Higbie  L.  Duff  clerkin'  in  a  shoe  store, 
makes  us  ashamed  iv  our  counthry.* 

67 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re.  That 's  what  happens  to  a  pote 
whin  he's  found  out  an'  no  pote  can  escape.  Th'  Amal- 
gamated Assocyation  iv  Baraboo  has  become  th'  Society 
f  r  th'  Previntion  iv  Kipling,  th'  Stock  Exchange  is 
r-readin  th'  polis  gazette,  an'  ye  won't  anny  more  hear 
Kipling  mintioned  in  th'  pulpit  thin  ye  will  th'  Bible." 

"  I  don't  suppose  he  cares,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

'*  Well,  maybe  he  don't  know,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  But 
it  ought  to  be  a  lesson  f  r  anny  young  man  who  thinks  iv 
goin'  into  pothry.  They  'se  on'y  wan  thing  f'r  a  pote  to 
do :  just  as  they  're  about  to  hang  th'  lorls  on  his  brow 
befure  they  begin  to  throw  th'  bricks,  he  ought  to  pass 
away.  Th'  nex'  best  thing  is  to  write  his  pothry  where 
no  wan  can  see  him  an'  dhrop  it  quitely  in  th'  sthreet. 
Thin  they  may  blame  it  on  some  wan  else." 


68 


THE  YACHT  RACES 


69 


THE   YACHT  RACES 


IN  th'  ol'  times  whin  I  was  a  yachtsman  —  "  began 
Mr.  Dooley. 
'^  Scowman,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Yachtsman,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Whin  I  was  a  yachts- 
man, all  a  man  needed  to  race  was  a  flat-bottomed  boat, 
an  umbrella,  an'  a  long  dhrink.  In  thim  days  't  was  '  Up 
with  th'  mainsail  an'  out  with  th'  jib,  an'  Cap'n  Jawn  first 
to  th'  Lake  View  pumpin'  station  f  r  th'  see-gars.'  Now 
't  is  '  Ho,  f  r  a  yacht  race.  Lave  us  go  an'  see  our  lawyers.' 
'T  is  '  Haul  away  on  th'  writ  iv  ne  exeat,'  an'  *  Let  go  th' 
peak  capias.'  'T  is  *  Pipe  all  hands  to  th'  Supreme  Coort.' 
'Tis  ^A  life  on  th'  boundin'  docket  an'  a  home  on  th' 
rowlin'  calendar.'  Befure  we  die.  Sir  Lipton  '11  come 
over  here  f  r  that  Cup  again  an'  we  '11  bate  him  be  gettin'  out 
an  over-night  injunction.  What 's  th'  use  iv  buildin' 
a  boat  that's  lible  to  tip  an'  spill  us  all  into  th'  wet? 
Turn  th'  matther  over  to  th'  firm  iv  Wiggins,  Schultz, 
O'Mally,  Eckstein,  Wopoppski,  Billotti,  Gomez,  Olson,  an* 
McPherson,  an'  lave  us  have  th'  law  on  him. 

'*  I  don't  suppose,  Hinnissy,  I  ought  to  be  gettin'  off  me 
little  jokes  on  a  seeryous  matther  like  this.     What 's  it  all 

71 


Mr.  Dooley" s  Opinions 

about,  says  ye?  Well,  ye  see,  'tis  this  way.  Wanst 
befure  th'  war  some  la-ad  fr'm  this  coiinthry  took  a  boat 
acrost  th'  Atlantic  an'  run  it  again  an  English  boat  an'  iv 
coorse,  he  won,  not  bein'  tied  to  th'  dock,  an'  they  give 
him  a  Cup.  I  don't  know  why  they  give  him  a  cup,  but 
they  give  him  a  cup.  He  brought  it  back  here  an'  handed 
it  to  a  yacht  club,  which  is  an  assocyation,  Hinnissy,  iv 
mimbers  iv  th'  Bar.  He  says  :  *  Ye  keep  that  cup  on  ye'er 
mantle-piece  an'  if  e'er  an  Englishman  wants  it,  don't  ye 
give  it  to  him.'  Afther  awhile,  an  Englishman  that 
ownded  a  boat  come  afther  th'  cup,  an'  'twas  lave  go 
altogether,  an'  th'  las'  man  to  th'  line  knows  what  he  is. 
He  's  an  Englishman,  iv  coorse.  That  was  all  r-right  too. 
But  th'  time  come  whin  th'  lagal  pro-fission  took  a  hand 
in  th'  game.  '  Look  here,'  says  they.  '  Ye  've  vilated 
nearly  all  th'  statues  iv  th'  State  iv  Noo  Jarsey  already,' 
they  says,  ^  an'  if  ye  ain't  careful,  ye  '11  be  hauled  up  f  'r 
contimpt  iv  coort,'  they  says.  So  they  took  th'  matther  in 
hand  an'  dhrew  up  th'  r-right  pa-apers.  ^  State  iv  Noo 
York,  county  iv  Cook,  s.  s.  Know  all  men  be  these 
prisints.  To  all  magisthrates  an'  polis  officers,  greetin'. 
In  re  Sir  Lipton  again  th'  Cup.  Ordhered  that  if  Sir  Lipton 
shall  secure  said  Cup  fr'm  aforesaid  (which  he  won't)  he 
must  build  a  boat  as  follows :  Wan  hundhered  an'  twinty 
chest,  fifty-four  waist,  hip  an'  side  pockets,  carryin'  three 
hundherd  an'  sixty-three  thousan'  cubic  feet  iv  canvas; 

72 


The  Tacht  Races 


th'  basement  iv  th'  boat  to  be  papered  in  green  with  yel- 
low flowered  dado,  open  plumbin',  steam  heat  throughout, 
th'  tinant  to  pay  f  r  all  repairs.  Be  means  iv  this  infernal 
machine,  if  onable  to  kill  off  th'  rile  fam'ly,  he  will  attimpt 
to  cross  th'  stormy  Atlantic,  an'  if  successful,  will  arrive  at 
th'  risidince  iv  th'  party  of  th'  first  part,  said  John  Doe. 
Wanst  there,  he  will  consult  with  mimbers  iv  th'  Noo 
York  Bar  Association,  who  will  lead  him  to  a  firm  iv  com- 
petent expert  accountants,  who  will  give  him  his  time, 
which  is  two  minyits  measured  be  th'  invarse  ratio  iv  th' 
distance  fr'm  th'  binnacle  to  th'  cook-stove,  an'  fr'm  th' 
cook-stove,  east  be  north  to  th'  bowspirit.  He  will  thin 
take  his  foolish  boat  down  th'  bay,  an'  if  he  keeps  his 
health,  he  can  ray  turn  to  th'  grocery  business,  f  r  he  's 
a  jolly  good  fellow  which  nobody  can  deny.' 

"  Ye  can  see  this,  Hinnissy,  that  yachtin'  has  become 
wan  iv  th'  larned  pro-fissions.  'T  is  that  that  got  th'  la-ad 
fr'm  Boston  into  it.  They 's  a  jolly  Jack  Tar  f'r  ye.  In 
dhrawin'  up  a  lease  or  framin'  a  bond,  no  more  gallant 
sailor  rides  th'  waves  thin  hearty  Jack  Larsen  iv  th'  Amal- 
gamated Copper  Yacht  Club.  *  What  ho  ?  '  says  he.  ^  If 
we  're  goin'  to  have  a  race,'  he  says,  *  shiver  me  timbers 
if  I  don't  look  up  th'  law,'  he  says.  So  he  become 
a  yachtsman.  ^  But,'  says  th'  Noo  York  la-ads,  thim  that 
has  th'  Cup  on  their  mantle-piece,  '  Ye  can  race  on'y  on 
two  conditions.'     ^  What  ar-re  they  ? '  says  Larsen.     ^  Th' 

73 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

first  is  that  ye  become  a  mimber  iv  our  club.'  '  With 
pleasure/  says  he.  *Ye  can't,'  says  they.  'An'  havin' 
complied  with  this  first  condition,  ye  must  give  us  ye'er 
boat/  says  they.  '  We  don't  want  it/  they  says.  *  Th' 
terms  suit  me  entirely/  says  Cap.  Larsen.  '  I  'm  a  simple 
sailor  man  an'  I  '11  give  ye  me  boat  undher  th'  following 
conditions/  he  says.  *  First,  that  ye  won't  take  it ;  second, 
that  ye  '11  paint  me  name  on  th'  side  iv  it  in  red  letters, 
three  feet  high;  third,  that  ye '11  inthrajooce  me  to  th' 
Prince  iv  Wales ;  foorth,  that  I  '11  sail  it  mesilf.  Naw- 
thin',  he  says,  'wud  give  me  gr-reater  pleasure  thin  to 
have  me  handsome  an'  expinsive  raft  in  th'  hands  iv  men 
who  I  wud  considher  it  an  honor  to  know/  he  says.  '  An' 
so,'  he  says,  '  I  '11  on'y  ask  ye  to  sign  a  bond  an'  lave 
a  small  security,  say  about  five  hundherd  thousan'  dollars, 
in  me  hands  in  case  anny  paint  shud  be  knocked  off*  me 
boat,'  he  says.  *  Yachtin'  is  a  gintleman's  spoort/  he  says, 
*an'  in  dalin'  with  gintlemen,'  he  says,  'ye  can't  be  too 
careful,'  he  says." 

"  What 's  Sir  Lipton  doin'  all  this  time  ?  "  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  He 's  preparin'  his  bond,  makin'  his  will,  an'  goin' 
through  th'  other  lagal  preliminaries  iv  th'  race.  He  's 
built  a  boat  too.  Th'  King  if  England  was  aboord  iv  her,  an' 
he  was  near  killed,  be  havin'  a  mast  fall  on  him.  Th'  Lord 
knows  how  he  escaped.     A  mass  iv  steel  weighin'  a  hund- 

74 


The  Yacht  Races 


herd  thousan'  ton  fell  on  his  Majesty  an'  bounced  ofi".  Sir 
Lipton  felt  pretty  bad  about  it.  He  did  n't  mind  losin' 
a  mast  or  two,  but  he  did  n't  want  anny wan  to  know  he  had 
th'  king  aboord.  'T  wud  hurt  business.  *  Boys,'  says  he  to 
th'  rayporthers, '  th'  King 's  on  me  yacht.  D'  ye  hear  me  ? 
Th'  King 's  on  me  yacht.  But  don't  say  annything  about 
it.  I  don't  want  to  have  it  known.  Don't  print  it  onless 
ye  have  to,  an'  thin  put  it  in  an  inconspicuous  place,  like 
th'  first  page.  He  's  here  sure  enough,  boys.  Th'  mast 
just  fell  on  his  Majesty.  It  nearly  kilt  him.  I'm  not 
sure  it  didn't  kill  him.  He  remained  perfectly  cool 
throughout.  So  did  I.  I  was  almost  cold.  So  did  both 
iv  ug.  But,  mind  ye,  not  a  wurrud  iv  this  in  th'  pa-apers.' 
I  don't  know  how  th'  rayporthers  got  hold  iv  it.  But 
they  're  a  pryin'  lot." 

"  How  did  th'  mast  come  to  fall  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy, 
eagerly.     "  D'  ye  suppose  Sir  Lipton  is  wan  iv  us  ?  " 

*'S-sh,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  adding  softly,  "he  was 
bor-rn  in  Limerick." 


76 


ON  ATHLETICS 


77 


ON  ATHLETICS 


WE'RE  gettin'   to   be  th'   gr-reatest  spoortin' 
nation  in  th'  wurruld,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
who  had   been   laboring  through   pages   of 
athletic  intelligence  which  he  could  not  understand. 

"  Oh,  so  we  ar-re,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  An'  I  wondher 
does  it  do  us  anny  good.  'T  is  impoorted  fr'm  th'  English. 
They  have  a  sayin'  over  there  that  th'  jook  iv  Wellinton 
said  first  or  somebody  said  f  r  him  an'  that's  been  said  a 
number  iv  times  since,  that  th'  battle  iv  Watherloo  was 
won  on  th'  playin'  fields  iv  Eton,  that  bein'  a  school  where 
th'  youth  iv  England  an'  Noo  York  is  sint  f  r  idjycation. 
It  was  not.  Th'  battle  iv  Watherloo  was  won  on  th' 
potato  fields  iv  Wexford  an'  th'  bog  patches  iv  Connock, 
that 's  where  't  was  won.  Th'  Fr-rinch  ar-re  a  good 
fightin'  people  an'  a  Fr-rinchman  cudden't  hit  a  goluf  ball 
with  a  scoop  shovel.  Th'  Germans  is  a  hardy  race  an' 
they  thrain  on  Wesphalyan  ham  an'  Boodweiser  an'  th' 
on'y  exercise  they  have  is  howlin'  at  a  sangerfest.  Th' 
Rooshyans  is  a  tur-rble  crowd  an'  they  get  their  strenth 
by  standin'  on  th'  corner  askin'  if  ye  have  anny  ol'  clothes 
ye  'd  like  to  sell  or  be  matchin'  kopecks  f 'r  th'  vodkies. 

79 


M^r.  JDooley^s  Opinions 

Ar-re  we  anny  betther,  tell  me,  f 'r  bein'  th'  high  tinais 
experts,  th'  intherprisin'  rowsraen,  th'  champeen  yachters  iv 
th'  wurruld  thin  we  were  whin  we  were  on'y  th'  champeen 
puddlers,  milkers,  ploughers,  an'  sewin'  machine  agents  ? 
Why  is  England  losin'  her  supreemacy,  Hinnissy  ?  Be- 
cause Englishmen  get  down  to  their  jobs  at  iliven  o'clock 
figurin'  a  goluf  scoor  on  their  cuffs  an'  lave  at  a  quarther 
to  twelve  on  a  bicycle.  We  bate  thim  because  't  was  th' 
habit  iv  our  joynt  iv  commerce  f  r  to  be  up  with  th'  cock 
an'  down  to  th'  damper  befure  th'  cashier  come ;  an'  in  his 
office  all  day  long  in  his  shirt  sleeves  an'  settin'  on  th'  safe 
till  th'  las'  man  had  gone.  Now,  if  ye  call  up  wan  iv  these 
captains  iv  industhree  at  wan  o'clock  iv  a  Saturdah  afther- 
noon,  th'  office  boy  answers  th'  tillyphone.  Th'  Titan  iv 
Commerce  is  out  in  a  set  iv  green  an'  blue  knee  breeches, 
batin'  a  hole  in  a  sand  pile  an'  cur-rsin'  th'  evil  fate  that 
made  him  a  millyionaire  whin  nature  intinded  him  f 'r  a 
goluf  champeen.  Ye  can't  keep  ye'er  eye  on  th'  ball  an' 
on  th'  money  at  th'  same  time.  Ye've  got  to  be  wan 
thing  or  another  in  this  wurruld.  I  niver  knew  a  good 
card  player  or  a  great  spoortsman  that  cud  do  much  iv 
annything  else.  They  used  to  tell  me  that  Napoleon 
Bonyparte,  th'  imp'ror  iv  th'  Frinch,  was  a  champeen  chess 
player,  but  Hogan  says  he  was  on'y  good  because  anny- 
body  that  bate  him  might  as  well  go  down  an'  be  meas- 
ured f 'r  his  ball  an'  chain.     A  rale  high  class  chess  player, 

80 


On  Athletics 


without  room  f  r  aiinything  else  in  his  head,  cud  close  his 
eyes,  an'  put  th'  dh  rinks  on  Napoleon  Bony  parte  in  three 
moves.  Did  ye  iver  hear  iv  Grant  wearin'  anny  medals  f  r 
a  hundherd  yard  dash  ?  Did  anny  wan  iver  tell  ye  iv  th' 
number  iv  base  hits  made  be  Abraham  Lincoln  ?  Is  there 
anny  record  iv  George  Wash'nton  doin'  a  turn  on  a 
thrapeze  or  Thomas  JifFerson  gettin'  th'  money  f 'r  throwin* 
th'  hammer  ? 

"  In  me  younger  days  't  was  not  considhered  rayspict- 
able  f  r  to  be  an  athlete.  An  athlete  was  always  a  man 
that  was  not  sthrong  enough  f  r  wurruk.  t^  Fractions  dhruv 
him  fr'm  school  an'  th'  vagrancy  laws  dhruv  him  to  base- 
ball. We  used  to  go  out  to  th'  ball  game  to  see  him 
sweat  an'  to  throw  pop  bottles  at  th'  empire  but  none  iv 
his  fam'ly  was  iver  proud  iv  him  except  his  younger 
brother.  A  good  seat  on  th'  bleachers,  a  bottle  handy  f  r 
a  neefaryous  decision  at  first  base  an'  a  bag  iv  cracker- 
jack  was  as  far  as  iver  I  got  tow'rd  bein'  a  spoortin' 
character  an'  look  at  me  now!  Ye  can't  have  ye'er 
strenth  an'  use  it  too,  Hinnissy.  I  gredge  th'  power  I 
waste  in  walkin'  upstairs  or  puttin'  on  me  specs." 

"But  'tis  good  f 'r  th'  women,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Is  it,  faith?"  said  Mr.  Dooley.     "Well,  it  may  be, 

but  it 's  no  good  f 'r  th'  woman  f 'r  th'  men.    I  don't  know 

annything  that  cud  be  more  demoralizin'  thin  to  be  marrid 

to  a  woman  that  cud  give  me  a  sthroke  a  shtick  at  goluf. 

6  81 


jMr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

'Tis  goin'  to  be  th'  roon  iv  fam'ly  life.  'Twill  break  up 
th'  happy  home.  I  'm  a  man,  we  '11  say,  that 's  down  town 
fr'm  th'  arly  mornin'  bendin'  over  a  ledger  an'  thryin'  to 
thrap  a  dollar  or  two  to  keep  th'  landlord  fr'm  th'  dure. 
I  dispise  athletes.  I  see  that  all  th'  men  that  have  a 
metallic  rattle  whin  they  get  on  a  movin'  sthreet  car  are 
pounds  overweight  an'  wud  blow  up  if  they  jogged  around 
th'  corner.  Well,  I  come  home  at  night  an'  no  matther 
how  I  've  been  '  Here-you-d '  all  day,  I  feel  in  me  heart 
that  I  'm  th'  big  thing  there.  What  makes  me  feel  that 
way,  says  ye?  'Tis  th'  sinse  iv  physical  supeeryority. 
Me  wife  is  smarter  thin  I  am.  She 's  had  nawthin'  to  do 
all  day  but  th'  housewurruk  an'  puttin'  in  th'  coal  an' 
studyin'  how  she  can  make  me  do  something  I  don't  want 
to  do  that  I  wud  want  to  do  if  she  did  n't  want  me  to  do  it. 
She 's  thrained  to  th'  minyit  in  havin'  her  own  way.  Her 
mind 's  clearer,  mine  bein'  full  iv  bills  iv  ladin' ;  she  can 
talk  betther  an'  more  frequent ;  she  can  throw  me  fam'ly  in 
me  face  an'  whin  har-rd  put  to  it,  her  starry  eyes  can 
gleam  with  tears  that  I  think  ar-re  grief,  but  she  knows 
difF'rent.  An'  I  give  in.  But  I  've  won,  just  th'  same. 
F  'r  down  in  me  heart  I  'm  sayin' :  '  Susette-,  if  I  were  not 
a  gentleman  that  wud  scorn  to  smash  a  lady,  they  'd  be 
but  wan  endin*  to  this  fracas.  Th'  right  to  th'  pint  iv  th' 
jaw,  Susette.'  I  may  niver  use  it,  d'  ye  mind.  W^e  may 
go  on  livin'  together  an'  me  losin'  a  battle  ivry  day  f'r 

82 


On  Athletics 


fifty  year.  But  I  always  know  't  is  there  an'  th'  knowl- 
edge makes  me  a  proud  an'  haughty  man.  I  feel  me  arm  as 
I  go  out  to  lock  th'  woodshed  again,  an'  I  say  to  mesilf : 
^  Oh,  woman,  if  I  iver  cut  loose  that  awful  right.'  An' 
she  knows  it  too.  If  she  did  n't  she  wudden't  waste  her 
tears.  Th'  sinse  of  her  physical  infeeryority  makes  her 
weep.  She  must  weep  or  she  must  fight.  Most  anny 
woman  wud  rather  do  battle  thin  cry,  but  they  know  it 's 
no  use. 

"  But  now  how  is  it  ?  I  go  home  at  night  an'  I  'm  met 
at  th'  dure  be  a  female  joynt.  Me  wife 's  th'  champeen 
lady  golufess  iv  th'  Ivy  Leaf  Goluf  club  ;  th'  finest  oarslady 
on  .th'  canal ;  a  tinnis  player  that  none  can  raysist  without 
injury.  She  can  ride  a  horse  an'  I  cudden't  stay  on  a 
merry-go-round  without  clothespins.  She  can  box  a  good 
welter  weight  an'  she's  got  medals  f'r  th'  broad  jump. 
Th'  on'y  spoorts  she  is  n't  good  at  is  cookin'  an'  washin'. 
This  large  lady,  a  little  peevish  because  she 's  off  her 
dhrive,  meets  me  at  th'  dure  an'  begins  issuin'  ordhers 
befure  I  have  me  shoes  off.  'T  is  just  th'  same  as  if  I  was 
back  on  th'  hoist.  She  does  n't  argy,  she  does  n't  weep. 
She  jus'  says  ^  Say  you,'  an'  I  'm  off  on  th'  bound.  I  look 
her  over  an'  say  I  to  mesilf :  *  What 's  th'  good  ?  I 
cudden't  cross  that  guard,'  an'  me  reign  is  ended.  I  'm 
back  to  th'  ranks  iv  th'  prolitory. 

"  It  won't  do,  Hinnissy.     It 's  a  blow  at  good  gover- 

83 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 

mint.  'T  will  disrupt  th'  home.  Our  fathers  was  r-right. 
They  didn't  risk  their  lives  an'  limbs  be  raarryin'  these 
female  Sharkeys.  What  they  wanted  was  a  lady  that 
they  'd  find  settin'  at  home  whin  they  arrived  tired  fr'm  th' 
chase,  that  played  th'  harp  to  thim  an'  got  their  wampum 
away  fr'm  thim  more  like  a  church  fair  thin  like  a  safe 
blower.  In  th'  nex'  eighty  or  ninety  years  if  I  make  up 
me  mind  to  lave  this  boistherous  life  an'  settle  down,  th' 
lady  that  I'll  rayquist  to  double  me  rent  an'  divide  me 
borrowin'  capacity  will  wear  no  medals  f 'r  athletic  spoorts. 
F'r,  Hinnissy,  I  'm  afraid  I  cud  not  love  a  woman  I  might 
lose  a  fight  to." 

"I  see  be  th'  pa-aper,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "th'  ath- 
letic girl  is  goin'  out,  what  iver  that  means." 

"  She  had  to,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  or  we  wud." 


84 


ON  LYING 


85 


ON  LYING 


"  A    I    AH'  question  befure  th'  house  is  whin  is  a  lie  not 
I         a  lie  ? "  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
-^  "  How 's  that  ? "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, "  here 's  Pro-fissor  E.  Binjamin 
Something-or-Other  insthructin'  th'  youth  at  th'  Chicago 
Univarsity  that  a  lie,  if  it 's  f  r  a  good  purpose,  is  not  a  lie 
at  all.  There  's  th'  gr-reat  school  down  there  on  th'  Mid- 
way. Ye  can  larn  anny thing  ye  have  a  mind  to  in  that 
there  siminary  an'  now  they  '11  have  a  coorse  in  lyin'.  Th' 
earnest  youth  in  sarch  iv  a  career  in  life  '11  be  taught  lyin' 
individjally  an'  in  classes,  lyin'  be  ear  an'  be  note,  lyin'  in 
th'  home  an'  lyin'  to  th'  public,  lyin'  autymatically,  th' 
lie  di-rect,  th'  lie  injanyous,  th'  lie  with  th'  hand,  th'  lie 
with  th'  eye,  th'  r-ready  fake,  th'  bouncer,  th'  stiff,  th'  con, 
th'  bunk,  th'  poetic  lie,  th'  business  lie,  th'  lie  imaginative, 
th'  brassy  lie,  th'  timid  lie,  th'  white  lie,  th'  pathriotic  or 
red-white-an'-blue  lie,  th'  lovin'  lie,  th'  over-th'-left,  th' 
cross-me-heart,  th'  hope-to-die,  histhry,  political  economy 
an'  mathematics.  They'll  be  a  post  gradyate  coorse  in 
perjury  f  r  th'  more  studyous  an'  whin  th'  hon'rary  degrees 
is  given  out,  we  '11  know  what  LL.  D.  manes." 

87 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

"  Sure,  they  don't  need  to  larn  people  lyin'/'  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  Well,  no,  faith,  that 's  thrue,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Here 
am  I  with  no  more  iddycation  thin  ye  cud  write  on  th' 
back  iv  a  postage  stamp  an'  as  fluent  an'  r-ready  a  liar  as 
e'er  a  pro-fissor  or  gradyate  iver  tur-rned  out  be  an  Insti- 
choot  iv  Mendacity.  That 's  what  I  am.  I  'm  a  born 
liar.  As  th'  pote  that  Hogan  spouts  has  said :  ^  I  lisped 
in  falsehood,  f'r  th'  falsehood  came.'  I  cud  lie  befure  I 
cud  speak  or  walk.  F'r  ivry  lie  I  got  found  out  in  an' 
whaled  f  r,  I  told  forty  that  niver  was  r-run  down.  I  've 
lied  steadily  through  life  an'  here  I  am  in  me  green  ol'  age 
—  though  not  as  old  as  manny  wudmake  out  —  lyin'  with- 
out th'  aid  iv  glasses.  Thry  me.  Ask  me  how  much  wather 
there  is  in  that  bar'l  —  if  ye  dare !  Ye  're  a  liar  too, 
Hinnissy." 

"  What 's  that  ? "  shouted  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Keep  cool,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  I  'm  not  referrin'  to 
what  I  heerd  ye  tell  ye'er  wife  about  th'  pay  check  or  that 
story  iv  ye'ers  about  th'  big  man  ye  bate  in  th'  Halsted 
sthreet  car.  But  th'  clothes  on  ye'er  back  is  a  lie  or  at 
laste  an'  equivocation  or  a  hand-me-down,  an'  th'  smile  ye 
greet  me  with  is  no  more  thin  half  on  th'  square  an'  th' 
well-it 's-glad-I-am-to-see-ye  rally  manes  ye 're  sorry  ye 
came.  All  th'  wurruld  is  busy  deceivin'  its  neighbor  an' 
itsilf.     Th'  poor  are  poor  because  they  are  poor  liars  an' 

88 


On  Lying 


th'  rich  ar-re  men  that've  accuniylated  a  large  stock  iv 
uon-assissable,  inthrest-bearin'  lies  or  inherited  th'  same 
fr'm  their  indulgent  an'  mendacyous  fathers.  That 's  what 
they  tell  me. 

*'  An'  what  is  a  lie,  tell  me  ?  I  cud  answer  mesilf  if  I 
always  knew  what  th'  thruth  was,  me  boy.  A  good 
manny  iv  th'  whoppers  I  tell  ye  is  th'  raysult  iv  thryin'  to 
take  a  short  cut  to  th'  thruth  an'  bringin'  up  just  this  side 
iv  perjury.  Some  things  that  look  like  lies  to  me  to-day 
will  seem  all  r-right  in  th'  prisidential  year.  I  lie  a  good 
manny  times  fr'm  kindness,  more  often  fr'm  laziness,  an' 
most  often  fr'm  fear.  Some  iv  th'  boldest  liars  I  iver  met 
wud  've  been  thruthful  men  if  they  'd  dared  to  be.  Th' 
most  uncommon  form  is  th'  malicyous  liar  an'  th'  manest 
is  th'  just  liar.  Manny  men  lie  because  they  like  con- 
versation an'  they  feel  they  can't  impress  th'  man  they're 
talkin'  with  without  pilin'  it  on.  I've  lied  at  times  to  be- 
guile th'  hours  away.  I  niver  deceived  annywan  half  so 
much  as  I  have  mesilf.  If  I  did  n't  do  it  wanst  in  awhile, 
I  'd  feel  so  poor  an'  depraved,  I  cudden't  go  on  in  busi- 
ness. Now  I  wondher  if  E.  Binjamin  wud  call  thim  good 
purposes.  Sure,  if  a  lie 's  a  good  thing  anny  purpose  ye 
may  have  in  lyin'  will  look  good  to  ye  an'  if  't  is  a  bad 
thing,  th'  purpose  '11  seem  good  annyhow.  I  think  a  lie 
with  a  purpose  is  wan  iv  th'  worst  kind  an'  th'  mos' 
profitable.     I  'm  more  iv  a  spoortin'  liar  thin  he  is  if  I  lie 

89 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

f  r  pastime.  I  wud  lie  to  get  a  frind  out  iv  throuble  or 
an  ininij  in,  to  save  me  counthry,  if  't  was  not  surrounded 
already  be  a  devoted  band  iv  heroic  liars,  to  protict  me 
life  or  me  property,  but  if  annybody  ast  me  how  I  done  it, 
I  'd  lie  out  iv  it. 

"  Father  Kelly  says  th'  pro-fissor  is  all  r-right.  He  says 
his  theery  is  a  good  wan  but  he  don't  think  it  fits  a  Bap- 
tist Colledge.  'Twas  held  be  some  larned  men  iv  our 
own  kind  an'  't  was  all  r-right  fr'm  thim.  'T  was  th'  doc- 
thrine  iv  a  saint,  but  he  was  n't  lookin'  f  r  anny  Standard 
ile  money.  An'  Father  Kelly  says  'tis  an  unsafe  doc- 
thrine  to  thrust  to  anny  wan  but  a  saint.  He  says  th' 
thruth  or  something  akelly  good,  something  that  will  wash, 
is  intinded  f  r  ord'n'ry  people.  On'y  a  good  man  can  be 
a  liar.  An'  Father  Kelly  says  he 's  niver  seen  a  man  good 
enough  to  get  a  di-ploma  fr'm  him  to  lie  f  r  anny  purpose, 
good  or  bad,  to  tell  white  lies  or  green.  If  he  lies,  he  's 
got  to  take  his  chances.  I  said :  '  What.wud  ye  do  if  ye  see 
a  frind  iv  ye'ers  pursued  be  a  murdherer  an'  th'  murdherer- 
that-was-to-be  ast  ye  which  way  he  'd  turned  ? '  *  I  cud- 
den't  hear  him,'  he  says.  *  I  'd  be  too  far  up  th'  alley,'  he 
says.  *  Lyin'  in  th'  circumstances,'  he  says, '  wud  indicate  a 
lack  iv  prisince  iv  mind,'  he  says.     '  It  often  does,'  he  says." 

"  Sure,  a  lie 's  a  lie/  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  ''  I  always 
know  whin  I  'm  lyin'." 

"  So  do  I,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

90 


DISCUSSES  PARTY  POLITICS 


91 


DISCUSSES  PARTY 
POLITICS 


IWONDHER,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  if  us  dimmy- 
crats  will  iver  ilict  a  prisidint  again." 
"  We  wud,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  if  we  cud  but  get 
an  illegible  candydate." 

"  What 's  that  ? "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  An  illegible  candydate,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  is  a 
candydate  that  can't  be  read  out  iv  th'  party.  'T  is  a  joke 
I  med  up.  Me  frind  Willum  J.  Bryan  reads  th'  Commoner 
to  thim  an'  they  pack  up  their  bags  an'  lave.  They  'se  as 
raanny  dimmycrats  out  iv  th'  party  as  they  are  in,  waitin' 
on  th'  durestep  to  read  thimsilves  back  an'  th'  other  la-ads 
out.     Th'  loudest  r-reader  wins. 

*'  No,  sir,  th'  dimmycratic  party  ain't  on  speakin'  terms 
with  itsilf.  Whin  ye  see  two  men  with  white  neckties  go 
into  a  sthreet  car  an'  set  in  opposite  corners  while  wan 
mutthers '  Thraiter  '  an'  th'  other  hisses  *  Miscreent '  ye  can 
bet  they  're  two  dimmycratic  leaders  thryin'  to  reunite  th' 
gran'  ol'  party.     'T  is  on'y  th'  part  iv  th'  party  that  can't 

93 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 

r-read  that's  thrue  to  th'  principals  iv  Jefferson  an' 
Jackson. 

"  Me  frind  Willum  J.  is  not  a  candydate.  He 's  illegible 
as  an  editor  but  not  as  a  candydate.  Annyhow,  he  don't 
want  it  or  at  laste  he  don't  want  to  want  it  an'  not  get  it. 
All  he  asks  is  some  good  man,  some  thried  an'  thrusty 
dimmycrat  that  can  lead  th'  party  on  to  gloryous  victhry. 
But  he  can't  find  him.  Ye  say  Hill?  Well,  me  frind 
Willum  J.  was  ast  to  ask  me  frind  David  Binnitt  to  go  out 
f 'r  to  make  a  speech  at  a  dimmycratic  bankit  on  th'  thradi- 
tions  iv  th'  dimmycratic  party,  Hill  bein'  wan  iv  thim  an'  wan 
iv  th'  worst.  ^  Gintlemen,'  says  Willum  Jennings, '  I  admire 
David  Binnitt  Hill.  No  wan,'  he  says,  *  is  a  second  to  me 
in  afiPection  f 'r  that  gr-reat  an'  good  man,'  he  says.  *  I 
shall  niver  fail  in  me  devotion  to  him  till,'  he  says,  '  th' 
place  heals  up  where  he  sunk  th'  axe  into  me  in  ninety- 
six.  But,'  he  says,  ^  I  cannot  ask  him  to  speak  at  ye'er 
bankit.  I  cannot  bear  to  hear  him  talk.  Ivry  time  he 
opens  his  mouth  I  want  to  put  me  fut  into  it,'  he  says. 
'  Moreover,'  he  says,  *  if  ye  ask  him  I  '11  take  me  meal  at 
home,'  he  says,  '  f 'r  th'  sight  of  that  gallant  dimmycrat 
turns  me  fr'm  food,'  he  says.  So  that  ends  Hill.  We 
can't  go  with  anny  wan  that  our  sainted  leader  can't  ate 
an  tg^  with  without  sin. 

"  Well,  thin,  who  've  we  got  ?  They  'se  me  frind  Bill 
Whitney.     He  won't  do  because  th'  bookmakers  niver  get 

94 


Discusses  Party  Politics 

up  on  iliction  day  in  time  to  vote.  A  thousan'  to  wan 
again  Whitney,  his  opponent  to  carry  th'  audjiotoroom  on 
his  back.  They  'se  me  frind  Charlie  Towne,  th'  unsalted 
orator  iv  th'  zenith  city  —  " 

"  Thraitor,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  He  lias  got  some  money,"  said  Mr.  Dooley  reflectively. 
"  I  see  in  th'  pa-apers  he  says  they  'se  now  enough  to  go 
ar-round  —  enough  f'r  him  to  go  ar-round,  Hinnissy. 
He 's  a  thraitor.  I  wisht  I  cud  afford  to  be  wan.  Well, 
what  d'ye  say  to  Gorman?  They 'se  a  fine,  sthraight- 
forward,  honest,  clane,  incorruptible  man.  Ye  put  him 
alone  in  a  room  with  th'  ray  turns  an'  ye  can  go  out  an' 
gather  bar'ls  f'r  th'  bonefire.  Ye  won't  have  him,  eh? 
Oh,  he  knifed  th'  ticket,  did  he  ?  Secretly  ?  Oh,  my,  oh, 
my  !  Th'  villain.  Down  goes  Gorman.  Well,  let  me  see, 
let  me  see  ;  who  've  we  got  ?  I  cud  think  iv  a  good  manny 
that  cud  captain  a  ball  team,  but  whin  I  come  to  silictin  a 
candy  date  f'r  prisidint  ivry  man  I  think  iv  is  ayther  a 
thraitor  or  wan  that  th'  thraitors  wudden't  vote  fr. 
If  we  don't  get  th'  thraitor  vote  we  're  lost.  They  'se  me 
frind  Sinitor  Jim  Jones.  A  good  man.  He  won't  do,  ye 
say  ?  Nigger  counthry  ?  Oh,  aye.  We  can't  take  a  candy- 
date  fr'm  th'  same  part  iv  th'  counthry  that  th'  votes 
come  fr'm.  Ye  're  r-right.  There 's  Altgeld  ?  Prooshen  ? 
Thrue.  Aggynal  —  ?  Iv  coorse  not.  Schley  ?  He  may 
be   doin'  time  f'r   disorderly  conduct   an'  assault  with  a 

95 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

deadly  weepin  be  that  time.  Charter  Haitch  ?  What 
wud  a  man  that's  been  mayor  iv  Chicago  do  with  an 
infeeryor  job  like  th'  prisidincy  ?  Tom  Johnson  ?  A 
sthreet  car  platform  ain't  broad  enough  f'r  th'  party. 
Dockery  ?  It  sounds  too  much  like  th'  endin'  iv  a  comic 
song.  An'  fr'm  Missoury  too.  Fuller  ?  Another  thraitor, 
an'  what 's  worse,  a  judge.  Well,  there 's  Cleve — .  Hoi' 
on  there,  don't  ye  throw  it.  Put  down  that  chair,  I 
tell  ye. 

"  Ye  're  hard  to  suit,  Hinnissy.  I  've  named  thim  all 
over  an'  taken  me  life  in  me  hand  with  half  iv  thim  an' 
lost  me  repytation  f'r  common  sinse  be  mintionin'  th' 
others.  Whin  I  lead  a  man  in  through  wan  dure  ye  read 
him  out  iv  another  an'  throw  th'  book  afther  him.  I  'm 
thryin'  to  find  a  man  to  uphold  th'  banner  so  that  ye 
can  march  shouldher  to  shouldher  an  heart  to  heart,  to 
mimrable  victhry  an'  ivry  time  I  mintion  th'  name  iv  wan 
iv  ye'er  fellow  dimmycrats  ye  make  a  face.  What  ar-re  ye 
goin'  to  do  ?  Ye  might  thry  advertisin'  in  th'  pa-apers. 
*  Wanted  :  A  good,  active,  inergetic  dimmycrat,  sthrong  iv 
lung  an'  limb ;  must  be  in  favor  iv  sound  money,  but  not 
too  sound,  an'  anti-impeeryalist  but  f'r  holdin'  onto  what 
we've  got,  an  inimy  iv  thrusts  but  a  frind  iv  organized 
capital,  a  sympathizer  with  th'  crushed  an'  downthrodden 
people  but  not  be  anny  means  hostile  to  vested  inthrests ; 
must   advocate   sthrikes,   gover'mint   be   injunction,   free 

96 


Discusses  Party  Politics 

silver,  sound  money,  greenbacks,  a  single  tax,  a  tariff  f  'r 
rivinoo,  th'  constitootion  to  follow  th'  flag  as  far  as  it  can  an' 
no  farther,  civ  il  service  rayform  iv  th'  la-ads  in  office  an'  all 
th'  gr-reat  an'  gloryous  principles  iv  our  gr-reat  an'  glory ous 
party  or  anny  gr-reat  an'  gloryous  parts  thereof.  He  must 
be  akelly  at  home  in  Wall  sthreet  an'  th'  stock  yards,  in 
th'  parlors  iv  th'  r-rich  an'  th'  kitchens  iv  th'  poor.  Such 
a  man  be  applyin'  to  Malachi  Hinnissy,  Ar-rchey  r-road, 
an'  prisintin'  rifrences  fr'm  his  last  party,  can  get  good 
emplyment  as  a  candydate  f 'r  prisidint,  with  a  certainty 
aftherward  iv  a  conganial  place  as  public  r-reader  an'  party 
bouncer.'     Ye  might  get  an  answer." 

^'  Oh,  well,  we  '11  find  some  wan,'  said  Mr.  Hennessy 
cheerfully. 

"  I  guess,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  that  ye  're  right  about 
that.  Ye  '11  have  a  candydate  an'  he  '11  have  votes.  Man 
an'  boy  I  've  seen  th'  dimmycratic  party  hangin'  to  th' 
ropes  a  score  iv  times.  I  've  seen  it  dead  an'  burrid  an'  th' 
raypublicans  kindly  buildin'  a  monymint  f  r  it  an'  preparin' 
to  spind  their  declinin'  days  in  th'  custom  house.  I  've 
gone  to  sleep  nights  wondhrin'  where  I  'd  throw  away  me 
vote  afther  this  an'  whin  I  woke  up  there  was  that  crazy- 
headed  oF  loon  iv  a  party  with  its  hair  sthreamin'  in  its 
eyes,  an'  an  axe  in  its  hand,  chasin'  raypublicans  into  th' 
tall  grass.  'T  is  niver  so  good  as  whin  't  is  broke,  whin 
rayspictable  people  speak  iv  it  in  whispers,  an*  whin  it  has 
7  97 


J\4r.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

no  leaders  an'  on'y  wan  principal,  to  go  in  an'  take  it  away 
fr'm  th'  other  fellows.  Something  will  turn  up,  ye  bet, 
Hinnissy.  Th'  raypublican  party  may  die  iv  overfeedin'  or 
all  th'  leaders  pump  out  so  much  ile  they  won't  feel  like 
leadin'.  An'  annyhow  they  'se  always  wan  ray  iv  light 
ahead.  We're  sure  to  have  hard  times.  An'  whin  th' 
la-ads  that  ar-re  baskin'  in  th'  sunshine  iv  prosperity  with 
Andhrew  Carnaygie  an'  Pierpont  Morgan  an'  me  friend 
Jawn  D.  finds  that  th'  sunshine  has  been  turned  off  an' 
their  fellow-baskers  has  relieved  thim  iv  what  they  had  in 
th'  dark,  we  '11  take  thim  boys  be  th'  hand  an'  say  :  '  Come 
over  with  ye'er  own  kind.  Th'  raypublican  party  broke 
ye,  but  now  that  ye 're  down  we'll  not  turn  a  cold 
shoulder  to  ye.     Come  in  an'  we  '11  keep  ye  —  broke.' 

"  Yes,  sir,  ye  '11  have  a  candydate.  If  worst  comes  to 
worst  I  '11  offer  mesilf  again." 

"It  wud  be  that,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "But  ye  ain't 
—  what  — d'ye  — call  — it?" 

"  I  may  not  be  as  illegible  as  some,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
"  but  I  'd  get  as  manny  votes  as  others." 


rHE  TRUTH  ABOUT  SCHLEY 


99 


The  '..'/'\IM'  •.,.".■■'•.'•>'.."'. 

rRurH  ABour  schlet 


"  TF  they'se  wan  thing  I'm  prouder  iv  thin  another 
I  in  me  past  life,"  said  Mr.  Doolej,  "  't  is  that  whin 
"^  me  counthry  called  me  to  go  to  th'  Spanish  war,  I 
was  out.  I  owe  me  rayspictibility  an'  me  high  standin' 
among  me  fellow  men  to  th'  fact,  Hinnissy,  that  where  th' 
shot  an'  shell  fell  thickest,  I  was  n't  there.  If  I  had  anny 
childher,  th'  proudest  title  iv  fame,  as  Hogan  says,  I  cud 
hand  down  to  thim  'd  be  that  I  niver  see  th'  shores  iv 
Cubia.  'Childher,'  I'd  say,  *ye'er  pah-pah's  life  was 
not  entirely  free  fr'm  crime.  He  had  his  trifliu'  faults, 
was  something  iv  an  embezzler,  a  little  iv  a  safe  blower 
an'  occasionally  a  murdhrer.  He  dhrank  too  much  an' 
bate  ye'er  poor  mother  that  now  is  dead,  or  wud  if  she 
iver  lived,  but  wan  thing  he  niver  did.  He  niver  took 
a  hand  in  th'  war  in  Cubia.  There  ar-re  no  dents  on  his 
armor  plate.'  I  'd  have  Congress  sthrike  medals  f  r  th' 
absentee  hayroes  :  '  To  Martin  Dooley  f  'r  not  bein'  prisint 
at  th'  battle  iv  Sandago,'  or,  'In  reconition  iv  gallant 
absence  fr'm  th'  battle  iv  Manila.     Sweet  an'  proper  it  is 

101 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 

to  remain  at  home  f  r  wan's  counthry ! '  Be  hivins,  Hin- 
nissy,  if'E^dnan'fe/ofofuglit  iip  befure  a  judge  on  a  charge  iv 
larcl?ay;  '\^\  cocrt  .saj's  c  ^  Anny  prevyous  convictions  ? ' 
*^o,'''says  til*' pbli^tti^ri.'  'Five  years,'  says  tli'  judge. 
*  But  he  was  a  hayro  iv  th'  Cubian  war.'  ^  Make  it  life/ 
says  th'  judge. 

"  First  they  was  Hobson.  He  kissed  a  girl  an'  ivrybody 
says :  '  Hang  him.  Kill  th'  coal-scuttler.'  Thin  they  was 
Dewey.  He  got  marrid  an  th'  people  was  fr  makin' 
mathrimony  a  penal  offince.  Ye  raymimber  Gomez.  Ye 
recall,  Hinnissy,  how  th'  corryspondints  used  to  poke 
their  way  to  th'  jungle  where  he  set  makin'  his  simple 
meal  iv  th'  leg  iv  a  scorpyon  an'  a  piece  iv  sugar  cane,  an' 
offer  him  th'  freedom  iv  th'  city  iv  Noo  York  whin  th'  war 
was  over.  Well,  he  wint  to  Noo  York  las'  week,  this 
George  Wash'n'ton  iv  th'  Ant  Hills.  He  was  met  at  th' 
ferry-boat  be  a  rayporther  that  twishted  his  head  around 
to  take  a  phottygraft  iv  him  an'  called  him  ^  Manny'  an' 
said  he  looked  like  Mike  Feely,  th'  aldherman  iv  th'  third 
ward,  on'y  darker.  A  comity  iv  seegar  makers  waited 
on  him  an'  ast  him  to  jine  their  union,  an'  that  was  all  th' 
honors  he  had.  Freedom  iv  th'  city,  says  ye  ?  Oh,  he  got 
that,  an'  all  iv  that.  He  was  free  to  go  an'  come  without 
annybody  payin'  anny  attintion  to  him.  He  was  as  free 
as  th'  air,  because  th'  polls  didn't  know  him.  If  they'd 
known,  he  might  've  been  locked  up. 

102 


The  'Truth  About  Schley 

"  An'  now  it 's  Schley's  turn.  I  knew  it  was  comin'  to 
Schley  an'  here  it  comes.  Ye  used  to  think  he  was  a  gran' 
man,  that  whin  ol'  Cerveera  come  out  iv  th'  harbor  at 
Sandago  called  out '  Come  on,  boys/  an'  plunged  into  th' 
Spanish  fleet  an'  rayjooced  it  to  scrap-iron.  That 's  what 
ye  thought,  an'  that 's  what  I  thought,  an'  we  were  wrong. 
We  were  wrong,  Hinnissy.  I  've  been  r-readin'  a  thrue 
histhry  iv  th'  campaign  be  wan  iv  th'  gr-reatest  historyians 
now  employed  as  a  clerk  in  th'  supply  stores  iv  th' 
Brooklyn  navy  yard.  Like  mesilf,  he 's  a  fireside  vethran 
iv  th'  war.  He's  a  mimber  iv  th'  Martin  Dooley  Post 
No.  1,  Definders  iv  th'  Hearth.  He  's  th'  boy  f'r  ye.  If 
iver  he  beats  his  sugar  scoop  into  a  soord,  ye  '11  think  ol' 
Farragut  was  a  lady  cook  on  a  lumber  barge.  Says  th' 
historyian :  '  Th'  conduck  iv  Schley  durin'  th'  campaign 
was  such  as  to  bring  th'  bright  blush  iv  shame  to  ivry  man 
on  th'  pay  roll  iv  our  beloved  counthry.  'T  is  well  known 
that  whin  ordhered  be  th'  gallant  Jawn  D.  Long  to  lave 
Hampton  Roads,  he  thried  to  jump  overboord  an'  swim 
ashore.  He  was  chloryformed  an'  kep'  undher  hatches  till 
th'  ship  was  off"  th'  coast  iv  Floridy.  Whin  he  come  to, 
he  fainted  at  th'  sight  iv  a  Spanish  ditchnry  an'  whin 
a  midshipman  wint  by  with  a  box  iv  Castile  soap,  he  fell 
on  th'  deck  writhin'  in  fear  an'  exclaimed :  "  Th'  war  is 
over.  I'm  shot."  Off"  Cyenfoogoose,  Jie  see  a  starvin' 
reconcenthrado  on  th'  shore  an'  cried  out :  "  There 's  Cer- 

103 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

veera.  Tell  him  to  come  on  boord  an'  accept  me  soord." 
He  was  knocked  down  be  a  belayin'  pin  in  th'  hands  iv  th' 
gunner's  mate  an'  carried  to  Sandago.  Whin  th'  catifF 
wretch  an'  cow'rd  see  brave  Cerveera  comin'  out  iv  th' 
harbor,  he  r-run  up  th'  signal :  "  Cease  firin'.  I  'm 
a  prisoner."  Owin'  to  th'  profanity  iv  dauntless  Bob 
Ivans,  which  was  arisin'  in  a  dark  purple  column  at  th' 
time,  Cerveera  cud  not  see  this  recreent  message  an' 
attimpted  to  r-run  away.  Th'  American  admiral  followed 
him  like  th'  cow'rd  that  he  was,  describin'  a  loop  that  I  'd 
dhraw  f'r  ye  if  th'  head  book-keeper  'd  lind  me  a  pincil  an' 
rammin'  th'  loway,  th'  Matsachoosetts  an'  th'  Oregon. 
His  face  was  r-red  with  fear  an'  he  cried  in  a  voice  that 
cud  be  heard  th'  lenth  iv  th'  ship :  *'  He  don't  see  th' 
signal.  I  've  surrindered,  Cerveera.  I  'm  done.  I  quit. 
I  'm  all  in.  Come  an'  take  me  soord  an'  cut  off  me 
buttons.  Boys,  fire  a  few  iv  thim  eight-inch  shells  an' 
atthract  his  attintion.  That  was  a  good  wan.  Give  him 
some  more.  R-run  alongside  an'  ram  him  if  nicissry. 
Rake  him  fore  an'  aft.  There  goes  his  biler.  !N'ow, 
perhaps  he  '11  take  notice.  Great  hivins,  we  're  lost ! 
He's  sinkin'  befure  we  can  surrinder.  Get  out  me  divin' 
shoot,  boy,  an'  I  '11  go  afther  him  an'  capitulate.  Oh,  war 
is  a  tur-rble  thing  !  "  I  have  attimpted  to  be  fixir  with 
Admiral  Schley.  If  I  'm  not,  it 's  his  own  fault  an'  mine. 
I  can  on'y  add  that 't  is  th'  opinyion  iv  all  th'  boys  in  th' 

104 


The  Truth  About  Schley 

store  that  he  ought  to  be  hanged,  drawn,  quarthered,  burnt 
at  th*  stake  an'  biled  in  oil  as  a  catifF,  cow'rd  an'  thraitor. 
'  T  is  a  good  thing  f  r  th'  United  States  that  me  frind 
Sampson  come  back  at  th'  r-right  moment  an'  with  a  few 
well-directed  wurruds  to  a  tillygraft  operator,  secured  th' 
victhry.  01'  Loop-th'-loops  was  found  lyin'  head  first  in 
a  coal  bunker  an'  whin  pulled  out  be  th'  legs  exclaimed, 
"  Emanuel,  don't  shoot  me.  I  'm  a  Spanish  spy  in 
disgeese." ' 

"  So  they  've  arristed  Schley.  As  soon  as  th'  book 
come  out  th'  Sicrety  iv  th'  Navy  issued  a  warrant  again 
him,  chargin'  him  with  victhry  an  he  's  goin'  to  have  to 
stand  thrile  f  r  it.  I  don't  know  what  th'  punishment  is, 
but  'tis  somethin'  hard  f'r  th'  ofl&nse  is  onus'l.  They're 
sure  to  bounce  him  an'  maybe  they  '11  give  his  job  to 
Cerveera.  As  far  as  I  can  see,  Hinnissy,  an'  I  cud  see  as 
far  as  me  fellow  vithran  Maclay  an'  some  nine  hundherd 
miles  farther,  Emanuel  is  th'  on'y  wan  that  come  out  iv 
that  battle  with  honor.  Whin  Schley  was  thryin'  to  give 
up  th'  ship,  or  was  alongside  it  on  a  stagin'  makin'  dents 
in  th'  armor  plate  with  a  pick-axe,  Sampson  was  off 
writin'  letters  to  himsilf  an'  Bob  Ivans  was  locked  in 
a  connin'  tower  with  a  life  prisoner  buckled  around  his 
waist.  Noble  ol'  Cerveera  done  nawthin'  to  disgrace  his 
flag.  He  los'  his  ships  an'  his  men  an'  his  biler  an'  ivry- 
thing   except   his   ripytation.      He   saved  that   be    bein' 

105 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

a  good  swimmer  an'  not  bein'  an  officer  iv  th*  United 
States  Navy." 

"  I  shud  think  Schley  'd  thry  an'  prove  an  allybi,"  Mr. 
Hennessy  suggested  pleasantly. 

"  He  can't,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  '*  His  frind  Sampson 's 
got  that." 


106 


FJME 


107 


FAME 


"'^    I    "\  IS   a  gr-reat    rayciption    they   do    be   giviu' 
I  Bryan  down  in  New  York  state,"  said  Mr. 

Hennessy. 
"  A  fine  rayciption  f  r  a  dimmycrat  in  New  York  state," 
said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  is  that  he  's  not  dangerously  wounded. 
Annything  short  iv  death  is  regarded  as  a  frindly  an' 
inthrested  rayciption,  an'  a  mild  kind  iv  death,  like  sufi*yca- 
tion  be  chloroform,  wud  be  considhered  a  rayspictful  hearin'. 
All  ye  can  say  about  Willum  Jennings  Bryan's  rayciption 
is  that  he  got  by  Wall  sthreet  without  bein'  stoned  to 
death  with  nuggets  fr'm  th'  goold  resarve.  Annyhow, 
what  ar-re  ye  dhraggiu'  poUytics  into  this  peaceful  abode 
f'r,  Hinnissy?  Isn't  it  bad  enough  f 'r  me  to  have  to 
stand  here  all  day  long  listenin'  to  sthrangers  rayjoocin' 
th'  constitootynal  questions  now  befure  th'  people  to 
personal  insult  without  havin'  me  frinds  makin'  me  nights 
mis'rable  with  chatther  about  th'  fleetin'  problems  iv  th' 
hour  ?  Th'  votes  is  as  good  as  cast  an'  counted.  Ayether 
th'  counthry  is  rooned  or  its  rooned.  An'  it  ain't,  anny- 
how.    Ayether  we  ar-re  delivered  over  hand  an'  foot  to 

109 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

th'  widdies  an'  orphans  that  've  had  thrust  stocks  sawed  off 
on  thim  be  fch'  exicutors,  or  th'  gover'mint  abandons  a  policy 
iv  brutal,  crool,  murdhrous  conquist  iv  th'  cow'rdly  assassins 
iv  th'  land  iv  etarnal  sunshine  an'  shadow.  Two  weeks 
fr'm  today  we  '11  be  ayether  neglectin'  to  pay  our  debts  in 
th'  standard  money  iv  th'  nations  iv  th'  earth  or  in  a  de- 
based an'  wretched  cienage  that  no  wan  has  iver  got 
enough  iv.  An'  what  th'  divvle  diff'rence  does  it  make, 
me  boy?  Th'  mornin'  afther  iliction,  't  is  Hinnissy  to  th' 
slag  pile  an'  Dooley  to  th'  beer  pump  an'  Jawn  D.  Rocke- 
fellar  to  th'  ile  can,  an'  th'  oF  flag  floatin'  over  all  iv  us  if 
th'  wind  is  good  an'  th'  man  in  charge  has  got  up  in  time 
to  hist  it.  Foolish  man^  th'  fun'rals  don't  stop  f  r  ilic- 
tions,  or  th'  christenin's  or  th'  weddin's.  Be  hivins,  I 
think  th'  likes  iv  ye  imagines  this  counthry  is  something 
besides  a  hunk  iv  land  occypied  be  human  bein's.  Ye 
think  it  a  sort  iv  an  autymobill  that  '11  run  down  onless  ye 
charge  it  with  ye'er  partic'lar  kind  iv  -gas.  Don't  ye 
expict  Hinnissy  that  anny  throop  iv  angels  will  dhrop  fr'm 
Hiven  to  chop  ye'er  wood  on  th'  mornin'  iv  th'  siventh  iv 
Novimber  if  Bryan  is  ilicted,  an'  don't  ye  lave  Jawnny 
McKenna  think  that  if  th'  raypublicans  gets  in,  he  '11  have 
to  put  a  sthrip  iv  ile-cloth  on  th'  dure  sill  to  keep  pluthy- 
crats  fr'm  shovin'  threasury  notes  undher  th'  dure.  No, 
sir ;  I  used  to  think  that  was  so  —  wanst,  in  th'  days  whin 
I  pathronized  a  lothry.     Now  I  know  diff'rent. 

110 


Fame 


"  Where  '11  they  be  a  hundhred  years  fr'm  now  ?  Debs 
an'  Mark  Hanna,  an*  Web  Davis,  an'  Croker  an'  Bill 
Lorimer  —  where  '11  they  be  ?  I  was  r-readin*  th'  other 
day  about  a  vote  cast  be  a  lot  iv  distinguished  gazabs 
through  th'  counthry  f  r  occypants  iv  a  hall  iv  fame.  A 
Hall  iv  Fame's  th'  place  where  th'  names  iv  th'  most 
famous  men  is  painted,  like  th'  side  iv  a  bar-rn  where  a 
little  boy  writes  th'  name  iv  th'  little  girl  he  loves.  In  a 
week  or  two  he  goes  back  an'  rubs  it  out.  But  in  this 
matther  't  was  detarmined  to  lave  out  th'  question  to  a  lot 
iv  sthrong  la-ads  an'  have  thim  vote  on  it  an'  on'y  th' 
dead  wans  iligeable.  I  r-read  th'  list  today,  Hinnissy,  an' 
will  ye  believe  me  or  will  ye  not,  much  as  I  know  I 
cudden't  recall  more  thin  half  th'  names.  George  Wash- 
'nton  was  ilicted,  iv  coorse,  unaminously  an'  without  a  con- 
tistin'  dillygation  an'  proud  he  '11  be  to  larn  iv  it.  Thin 
there  was  Ulyss  S.  Grant  an'  Thomas  Jefferson  an'  Robert 
E.  Lee.  I  know  all  iv  thim  as  though  we  'd  been  raised 
in  th'  same  lot.  But  near  all  th'  others  got  by  me.  Wan 
man  was  famous  because  he  made  a  cotton  gin,  though  th' 
author  iv  more  common  dhrinks  was  cut  out.  Another 
man  got  by  th'  flag  on  th'  ground  that  he  manyfacthered  a 
clock.  A  third  passed  th'  stand  because  he  made  a  ditch- 
nary,  which  is  a  book  that  tells  ye  how  manny  diff'rent 
things  th'  same  wurrud  means.  They  was  potes  I  niver 
r-read  an'  statesmen  I  niver  heard  iv,  an'  gin'rals  I  niver  knew 

111 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 


fought,  an'  invintors  iv  bluein',  an'  discov'rers  iv  things 
that  had  been  discovered  befure  an'  things  that  had  to  be 
undiscovered  later.  An'  th'  list  was  as  onfamilyar  to  me 
as  th'  battin'  ordher  iv  th'  Worcester  ball  team  iv  eighteen 
hundhred  an'  siventy-six.  *  Bedad,'  says  I,  ^  if  this  is  fame, 
I  '11  dhraw  cards  mesilf.  Some  day  whin  th'  owner  iv  a 
new  Hall  iv  Fame  tells  th'  janitor  to  climb  up  an'  white- 
wash over  th'  names  on  th'  wall  an'  make  out  a  new  list, 
some  wan  may  vote  f 'r  th'  gr-reat  soul  that  discovered  how 
to  make  both  ends  meet  in  th'  year  nineteen  hundhred.' 
That 's  a  gr-reat  invintion,  Hinnissy.  Thank  th'  Lord  th' 
Standard  He  Comp'ny  has  n't  got  a  patent  on  it. 

"  What 's  fame,  afther  all,  me  la-ad  ?  'T  is  as  apt  to  be 
what  some  wan  writes  on  ye'er  tombstone  as  anny thing  ye 
did  f 'r  ye'ersilf.  It  takes  two  to  make  it,  but  on'y  wan 
has  much  iv  a  hand.  'T  is  not  a  man's  life  in  wan  volume 
be  himsilf,  but  his  ^  Life  '  in  three  volumes  be  wan  iv  his 
frinds.  An'  be  th'  way  th'  jury  voted  f'r  th'  lodgers  in 
this  tiniment  house  iv  fame,  manny  that  cud  pay  their 
scoor  at  th'  desk  is  left  on  th'  dure  step  because  th' 
bunks  is  filled  with  th'  frinds  iv  th'  managers.  I  think 
IHl  hire  a  large  buildin'  f'r  th'  rayjicted.  I  wudden't  be 
surprised  if  manny  iv  th'  star  boardhers  come  out  iv  th' 
other  Hall  iv  Fame  fr  th'  conjanial  comp'ny  in  mine. 

"  Whin  ye  think  iv  it,  whin  ye  considher  how  manny 
men   have   done   things   or  thried   to   do   thim   f r  wan 

112 


Fame 

hundhred  years  in  this  counthry,  an'  now  whin  it  comes  to 
pick  th'  winners  about  half  th'  list  is  on'y  famous  to  th' 
men  that  voted  f  r  thim,  how  ar-re  ye  goin'  to  figure  that 
anny  iv  th'  la-ads  that  ye  're  wastin'  ye'er  lungs  f  r  will  bring 
up  r-right  ?  A  hundhred  years  fr'm  now  Hogan  may  be  as 
famous  as  th'  Impror  Willum,  an'  annyhow  they'll  both 
be  dead  an'  that 's  th'  principal  ingreejent  iv  fame.  Go 
home  an'  think  that  over." 


113 


CR  OSS-EXAMINA  TIONS 


115 


CROSS-EXAMINATIONS 


MR.  DOOLEY  put  down  his  newspaper  with  the 
remark ;  "  They  cudden't  get  me  into  coort  as 
a  witness;  no,  sir,  not  if  'twas  to  hang  me 
best  frind. 

"'Tis  hard  enough,"  he  said,  "with  newspapers  an' 
cinsus  officers  an'  th'  mim'ry  iv  cab  dhrivers  to  live  down 
ye'er  past  without  bein'  foorced  to  dhrill  it  in  a  r-red  coat 
an'  with  a  brass  band  ahead  befure  th'  eyes  iv  th'  multi- 
tood.  I  did  it  wanst ;  I  '11  do  it  no  more.  Wanst  I  was 
summonsed  to  appear  in  th'  high  temple  iv  justice  where 
Timothy  Duffy  is  th'  presidin'  janius,  as  Hogan  says,  to 
give  me  priceless  tistymony  as  to  whether  th'  plumbin'  in 
Harrigan's  house  was  fitted  to  hold  wather.  'Twas  me 
opinyon,  havin'  had  a  handful  iv  thrumps  I  held  in  Harri- 
gan's parlor  spiled  be  Lake  Michigan  dhroppin'  through 
th'  ceilin*,  that  said  plumbin'  was  conthrary  to  th'  laws  an' 
ordinances  iv  th'  county  iv  Cook,  State  iv  Illinois,  S.  S. 
made  an'  provided  an'  th'  same  I  put  on  a  high  hat  an'  a 
long-tailed  coat  an'  left  a  man  in  charge  iv  me  business  an' 
wint  down  to  Halsted  Street  an'  swore  to,  as  solemnly  as 

117 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 

I  cud,  knowin'  that  Harrigan  wudden't  pay  th'  rent  anny- 
how.  An'  what  come  iv  it  ?  I  was  two  minyits  givin'  me 
tistymony,  an'  two  hours  thryin'  to  convince  th'  hon'rable 
coort  —  a  loafer  be  th'  name  iv  Duffy  —  an'  th'  able  jury 
that  I  had  n't  stolen  th'  shirt  on  me  back  fr'm  a  laundhry 
wagon.  Th'  coort  was  goin'  to  confine  me  in  jail  f  r  life 
fr  contimpt,  th'  lawyer  f'r  th'  definse  sthrongly  intimated 
that  I  was  in  th'  neighborhood  whin  Charlie  Ross  was 
kidnapped  an'  th'  jury  ast  to  be  allowed  to  bring  in  a  ver- 
dict iv  manslaughter  again  me  without  exthra  pay.  As  I 
wint  out  iv  th'  coort  two  or  three  women  in  large  hats 
hissed  me  an'  a  man  at  th'  dure  threatened  me  with  an 
umbrelly  ontill  I  made  a  counther  dimonsthration  with  me 
foot.  Justice,  says  ye?  I  tell  ye  Hogan  's  r-right  whin  he 
says :  '  Justice  is  blind.'  Blind  she  is,  an'  deef  an'  dumb 
an'  has  a  wooden  leg  !  Niver  again  will  they  dhraw  me  to 
a  coort.  I  '11  take  th'  rude  justice  iv  a  piece  iv  lead  pipe 
without  costs  or  th'  r-right  iv  appeal.    . 

"  Here  in  th*  pa-aper  they  'se  a  piece  about  a  la-ad  that 
had  throuble  with  his  vallay  —  " 

"  What 's  a  vallay  ? "  Mr.  Hennessy  interrupted. 

"  A  vallay,"  Mr.  Dooley  explained,  "  is  a  retired  English 
gintleman  hired  be  millyionaires  who  ar-re  goin'  into  bank- 
ruptcy to  wear  their  clothes.  Naked  a  millyionaire  comes 
into  th'  wurruld  an'  naked  his  vallay  laves  him.  Th'  val- 
lay 's  a  kind  iv  a  chambermaid  that  sees  that  th'  millyion- 

118 


Cross-examinations 


aire  does  n't  go  to  wurruk  in  his  night  shirt  an'  r-reads  his 
letters.  I  can't  make  out  what  all  iv  his  jooties  is.  He 
rubs  th'  millyionaire's  head  an'  rubbers  on  his  love  affairs, 
an'  afther  awhile  laves  him  an'  goes  to  wurruk  f  r  a  society 
pa-aper.  'T  is  an  ol'  sajin'  iv  Hogan's  that  no  man  is  a 
hero  to  his  vallay.     That 's  thrue.     Th'  vallay  's  th'  hero. 

"  Well,  this  millyionaire  I  've  been  r-readin'  about,  he 
had  a  vallay,  an'  the  vallay  lost  his  eye  wondherin'  who  th' 
lady  was,  an'  thin  he  dipped  too  sthrong  into  th'  Floridy 
wather  an'  th'  millyionaire  bounced  him.  He  fired  him 
out.  '  Lord  Roland,'  he  says,  *  go,'  he  says.  '  We  've 
lived  too  long  together,'  he  says.  *  People  can't  tell  us 
apart,  we  stagger  so  much  alike,'  he  says.  *  I  'm  gettin'  so 
used  to  ye  that  I  have  no  fear  iv  ye,'  he  says.  ^  It  was 
bad  enough  whin  ye  give  me  blue  suspinders  with  me 
r-red  pantaloons,'  he  says,  *  but,'  he  says,  *  whin  I  asked 
f  r  an  orange  an'  ye  brought  in  th'  boot-jack,  I  felt  that  we 
cud  no  longer  assocyate  on  terms  iv  akequality,'  he  says. 
*  Ye  '11  have  to  go  back  to  th'  House  iv  Lords,'  he  says. 
An'  he  fired  him  out  an'  wudden't  pay  him  a  cint  iv  wages 
he  owed  him  f  r  th'  rest  iv  his  life.  So  Lord  Roland  sues 
him  an'  has  him  in  coort. 

"Th'  millyionaire  thrips  in  thinkin'  to  himsilf:  "Tis 
on'y  a  question  iv  whether  I  shall  pay  this  jook  what  I 
promised  him  or  what  he  ought  to  ixpict  fr'm  a  millyion- 
aire.    Do  I  or  do  I  not  owe  Lord  Ronald  eighty-two  dol- 

119 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

lars  f  r  curry-conibin'  me  in  th'  nex'  cinchry.  I  '11  lave  it 
to  an  intillygint  jury  iv  honest  Americans  who  have  always 
buttoned  their  own  shirts,  an'  r-right  will  conker  an'  I  '11 
keep  me  money/ 

"  That 's  where  he  was  wrong.  He  had  th'  same  ex- 
peryence  I  had,  except  mine  was  a  case  iv  plumbin'  an'  his 
wan  iv  personal  decoration.  Afther  he  explained  to  th' 
jury  that  he  did  n't  owe  Lord  Roland  annything  because 
his  lordship  got  a  dhroopin'  eye  fr'm  dhrink  an'  frequently 
give  him  th'  same  collar  ivry  week,  he  was  tur-rned  over 
to  th'  attorney  fr  th'  prosecution,  who  cross-examined 
him. 

"*We  will  pass  over  th'  question  iv  ye'er  financial 
relations  with  me  client,'  says  th'  distinguished  barristher, 
'  an'  come  down  to  ye'er  own  private  life.  To  begin  with 
ar-re  ye  or  ar-re  ye  not  a  man  iv  th'  most  dissolute 
morals  ?  '  *  Answer  yes  or  no,'  says  tli'  coort.  ^  He  ad- 
mits it,'  says  th'  lawyer.  '  Ye  were  dhrunk  in  1892  ? ' 
'  I  can't  raymimber,'  says  th'  millyionaire.  ^  Put  it  down 
that  he  's  always  dhrunk,'  says  th'  lawyer.  '  Where  did 
ye  get  ye'er  money  ?  Ye  don't  know  ?  Th'  jury  will 
take  note  iv  th'  fact  that  he  prob'bly  stole  it.  Ye'er  father 
is  dead.  Did  ye  kill  him  ?  I  think  so.  Now  that  ye 
rayfuse  to  pay  Lord  Roland  what's  not  comin*  to  him, 
how  about  ye'er  wife  ? '  '  My  wife  isn't  in  this  case,'  says 
th'  prisoner.     '  Th'  divvle  she  is  n't,'  says  th'  coort.     *  I 

120 


Cross-examinations 


want  ye  to  know  that  ivrybody  is  in  this  case.  We  play 
no  fav'rites.  Whin  th'  clear  sunlight  iv  American  justice 
is  tur-rned  loose  on  a  matther  iv  this  charackter  nawthin' 
can  be  hid.  Go  on  an'  tell  us  about  ye'er  wife.  Th' 
coort  wishes  to  know.  Th'  coort  is  human/  says  he. 
^  Is  n't  it  thrue/  says  th'  lawyer,  *  that  ye'er  spouse  is  pet- 
tish an'  disagreeable  be  nature  an'  that  th*  colors  iv  her 
hair  ar-re  not  fast,  an'  that  Lord  Roland  frequently  peeked 
through  th'  dure  an'  seen  ye  talkin'  to  her  ?  Answer  me, 
ye  fiend  in  human  form,  don't  that  lovely  golden  sheen 
upon  her  locks  come  out  in  th'  wash?  Tell  me,  mon- 
sther,  tell  th'  hon'rable  coort  that 's  now  leanin'  eagerly 
over  th'  bar  to  catch  ivry  pint,  tell  th'  jury  that  wud  like 
to  carry  home  some  s'ciety  chit-chat  to  their  own  tired 
wives,  tell  this  intelligint  concoorse  iv  American  citizens 
behind  me  an'  th'  gallant  knights  iv  th'  pen  in  fr-ront  iv 
me  waitin'  to  spread  th'  details  to  th'  wurruld,  tell  me, 
rufFyian,  is  Hivin  or  Peroxide  iv  Hydhrogen  th'  author  iv 
th'  splendor?  Is  her  complexion  her  own  or  fr'm  day  to 
day  ?  Did  ye  iver  see  her  befure  ye  were  marrid,  an'  if  so 
with  whom?  An'  about  th'  other  women  Lord  Roland 
saw  ye  with.  Were  they  no  betther  thin  they  ought  to  be 
or  not  as  good  as  they  might  have  been.  I  can't  recall 
their  names  but  ye  might  tell  us  who  they  ar-re.  Give  us 
their  names.  Dhrag  th'  wretched  crathers  fr'm  their 
hidin'  places  in  th'  vowdyville  theautres  an'  lave  thim  to 

121 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

sthand  in  th'  clear  sunlight  iv  American  justice,'  he  says, 
*  an'  be  smirched/  he  says. 

''There  was  scarcely  a  dhry  eye  in  th'  coort  whin  th' 
larned  counsel  concluded.  Th'  ladies  in  th'  audjeence 
applauded  furyously  as  name  afther  name  was  brought 
forward.  Th'  judge  said  that  he  had  th'  time  iv  his  life, 
an'  th'  jury  afther  securin'  clippin's  iv  th'  prisoner's  wife's 
hair  rayturned  a  verdict  findin'  Mrs.  Hard  Gold  guilty  iv 
peroxide  in  th'  first  degree,  without  extenuatin'  circum- 
stances, an'  added  a  rider  recommendin'  th'  ladies  Lord 
Roland  seen  with  Hard  Gold  be  tur-rned  out  iv  their 
lodgin's.  It  was  a  gr-reat  triumph  for  th'  r-right.  It 
shows  that  th'  coorts  iv  our  fair  land  will  put  down  with 
a  stern  hand  th'  growin'  peroxide  vice  an'  that  justice  will 
find  out  evil  doers  —  whin  they  ar-re  women  —  if  it  has  to 
take  th'  bandages  off  its  eyes  an'  hide  in  a  clothes  closet." 

"  It  serves  th'  man  r-right  fr  havin'  wan  iv  thim  vallays 
ar-round  th'  house,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,  it  shows  that,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  An'  it  shows 
th'  disadvantages  iv  wealth.  No  wan  cares  to  hear  what 
Hogan  calls :  '  Th'  short  an'  simple  scandals  iv  th'  poor.' " 


122 


THANKSGIVING 


123 


THANKSGIVING 


WHIN  I  was  a  young  man,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
"  I  often  heerd  Thanksgivin'  day  alooded  to 
fr'm  th'  altar  as  a  pagan  fistival.  Father 
Kelly  don't  think  so.  He  says  't  was  founded  be  th'  Puri- 
tans to  give  thanks  f  r  bein'  presarved  fr'm  th'  Indyans,  an' 
that  we  keep  it  to  give  thanks  we  are  presarved  fr'm  th' 
Puritans.  In  th'  beginnin',  Hinnissy,  't  was  a  relijous  fis- 
tival, like  dividend  day  in  th'  synagogues.  Ye  see,  th' 
Puritan  fathers,  whose  dayscindants  mostly  live  in  Kansas 
now,  had  had  such  a  divvle  iv  a  time  inthrajoocin'  rellijon 
an'  slavery  among  th'  savage  r-red  men  that  they  found 
huntin'  th'  wild  cranberry  in  th'  neighborhood  iv  Salem, 
Mass.,  that  whin  th'  job  was  completed  they  set  apart  a 
day  to  thank  th'  Lord  for  his  opporchune  assistance  in 
their  wurruk  iv  rayformin'  th'  wurruld  an'  with  a  few  frills 
added  in  th'  way  iv  food  th'  custom 's  been  kept  up  to  this 
very  day.  In  iv'ry  city  iv  this  fair  land  th'  churches  is 
open  an'  empty,  the  fleet  anise  seed  bag  is  pursooed  over 
th'  smilin'  potato  patch  an'  th'  groans  iv  th'  dyin'  resound 
fr'm  mamiy  a  fut-ball   field.     We're  gi\dn'  thanks   that 

125 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

we  're  presarved  fr'm  hunger,  fr'm  thirst,  fr'ni  free  silver, 
fr'm  war  an'  pestilence  an'  famine  an'  each  other.  But 
don't  ye  frget  it,  Hiunissj,  'tis  none  iv  these  things  we 
really  give  thanks  fr.  In  our  hearts  we're  grateful  fr 
on'y  wan  blessin'  an'  that 's  on  Thanksgivin'  day  we  get 
th'  first  good  crack  iv  th'  season  at  th'  Turkey  bur-rd 
an'  his  r-runnin'  mate,  ol'  Uncle  Cranberry  Sauce.  Ye 
bet  ye. 

"  Annyhow,  seein'  that  the  iliction  come  out  th'  way  it 
did  an'  this  counthry  ain't  goin'  to  be  handed  over  to  th' 
likes  iv  ye,  we  ought  to  cillybrate  Thanksgivin'  if  necess'ry 
with  achin'  hearts.  I  'ni  always  in  favor  iv  givin'  thanks  — 
f  r  annything.  'T  is  a  good  habit  to  get  into.  ^  Thank  ye 
kindly,'  is  betther  thin  ^  bad  cess  to  ye,'  annyhow.  Even 
whin  I  sneeze  I  say :  '  Gawd  bless  us  kindly,'  an'  f  r  th' 
slender  blessin'  iv  livin'  at  all  I  say  *  Praise  be.'  So  we 
ought  to  be  thankful.  We  have  a  big  counthry  an'  't  is 
growin'  bigger  an'  we  ought  to  be  thajikful  fr  that,  an' 
pray  that  it  may  stop  growin'  in  width  an'  grow  a  little 
more  in  height.  Th'  farmer  is  thankful  he  has  a  good 
crop  an'  I  'm  thankful  I  'm  not  a  farmer.  Ye  cud  always 
find  room  f  r  thanks  that  ye  're  not  some  wan  else,  if  ye 
cud  know  how  th'  other  fellow  feels.  A  few  days  ago  I 
wud  've  said  that  I  'd  like  to  be  the  Czar  iv  Rooshia  but 
I  wudden't  trade  places  with  him  to-day  if  he  'd  throw  in 
th'  Kingdom  of  Boolgahrya   to  make   th'  thrade   good. 

126 


Thanksgiving 


Crowned  though  he  is,  he  lies  on  his  back  while  a  trained 
nurse  pipes  hot  milk  an'  limon  juice  into  him,  while  I  go 
across  th'  sthreet  an'  hurl  into  me  dimmycratic  frame  two 
furlongs  iv  corned  beef  an'  a  chain  iv  cabbage.  Me 
timp'rature  is  normal  save  whin  I  'm  asked  f r  money. 
Me  pulse  bates  sivinty  to  th'  minyit  an'  though  I  have 
patches  on  me  pantaloons,  I  've  ne'er  a  wan  on  me  intes- 
tines. (I  touch  wood  to  keep  off  bad  luck.)  No,  I 
wudden't  be  th'  Czar  iv  Rooshia.  An'  I  wudden't  be  th' 
Impror  Willum.  I'm  thankful  I'm  not  th'  Impror  iv 
Chiny,  whoiver  he  is  or  whereiver  he  is.  I'm  thankful 
I  'm  not  John  D.  Rockyfellar,  f  r  I  know  I  can't  get  his 
money  an'  he  thinks  he  can  get  mine,  an'  I  '11  fool  him. 
I'm  thankful  I  ain't  Prisident  Tiddy,  fr  whin  me  day's 
wurruk  is  done,  I  can  close  up  th'  shop,  wind  th'  clock  an' 
go  to  sleep.  If  th'  stars  an'  moon  don't  shine,  if  th'  sun 
don't  come  up,  if  th'  weather  is  bad,  if  th'  crops  fail  or  th' 
banks  bust  or  Hinnissy  ain't  illicted  director  iv  th'  rollin' 
mills,  no  wan  can  blame  me.  I  done  me  jooty.  Ye  can't 
come  to  me  an  say :  '  Dooley,  th'  north  star  was  n't  at 
wurruk  last  night  —  what  have  ye  done  with  it  ? '  Or 
'Look  here,  Dooley,  what  ails  ye  sindin'  rainy  weather 
befure  th'  hay  is  cut  ? '  '  No  sir,'  says  I.  '  I  promised  ye 
nawthin'  but  five  cints  worth  iv  flude  exthract  iv  hell  f  r 
fifteen  cints  an'  ye  got  it.  I'm  not  responsible  fr  th' 
vagarios  iv  th'  ilimints.     If  I  was  I  'd  be  sellin'  umbrellys, 

127 


Air.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

not  rum/  I  says.  But  th'  prisidint  can't  escape  it.  He 
has  to  set  up  at  night  steerin'  th'  stars  sthraight,  hist  th' 
sun  at  th'  r-right  moment,  turn  on  th'  hot  an'  cold  fassit, 
have  rain  wan  place,  an'  fr-rost  another,  salt  mines  with 
a  four  years'  supply  iv  goold,  thrap  th'  mickrobes  as  they 
fly  through  th'  air  an'  see  that  tin  dollars  is  akelly  divided 
among  wan  hundherd  men  so  that  each  man  gits  thirty 
dollars  more  thin  anny  other.  If  he  can't  do  that  he 's 
lible  to  be  arrested  th'  first  pay  day  f'r  obtainin'  money  be 
false  pretences.     So  I  'm  thankful  I  'm  not  him. 

"  But  I  'm  always  thankful  f  r  these  things.  Be  thank- 
ful f  r  what  ye  have  not,  Hinnissy  —  't  is  th'  on'y  safe  rule. 
If  ye 're  on'y  thankful  f'r  ye'er  possissions  ye'er  supply 
won't  last  a  day.  But  if  ye  're  thankful  f  r  what  others 
have,  an'  ye  have  not,  an'  thankful  ye  have  n't  it,  all  th* 
wurruld  conthributes  to  ye'er  gratichood.  Ye  set  here 
like  a  poor  box  in  th'  back  iv  th'  church  an'  iv'rybody 
dhrops  in  his  bad  money  an'  swells  ye. 

"But  as  I  told  ye,  Hinnissy,  afther  all,  th'  Turkey 
bur-rd  's  th'  rale  cause  iv  Thanksgivin'.  He  *s  th'  naytional 
air.  Abolish  th'  Turkey  an'  ye  desthroy  th'  tie  that  binds 
us  as  wan  people.  We  're  wan  race,  hitched  together  be 
a  gr-reat  manny  languages,  a  rellijon  apiece,  thraditions 
that  don't  agree  with  each  other,  akel  opporchunities  f  r 
th'  rich  an'  poor,  to  continue  bein'  rich  an'  poor,  an'  a 
common  barnyard  food.     Whin  iv'rybody  in  a  nation  eats 

128 


Thanksgiving 


th'  same  things  that  all  th'  others  eats,  ye  can't  break  thim 
up.  Talk  about  th'  dove  iv  peace!  Th*  Turkey  makes 
him  look  like  a  game  cock.  Can  I  help  ye,  Mr.  Hinnissy  ? 
Wliite  or  dark  ?  Th'  leg,  p'raps,  or  maybe  th'  part  that 
goes  over  th' " 

"  Some  iv  us,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  gloomily,  "  some  iv 
us  will  be  atin'  another  kind  iv  bur-rd  this  fall." 

"Ye 're  wrong  there,  me  la-ad,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Ye  're  wrong  there.  Ye  're  wrong.  They  'se  no  such 
thing  as  crow.  Thanksgivin'  day  comes  too  quick  afther 
iliction.  We  're  all  r-ready  f  r  th'  blackest  crow  that  ivver 
dimmycrat  ate  an'  we  have  our  noses  in  th'  air.  An'  thin 
we  look  down,  an'  lo  an'  behold!  'tis  Thanksgivin' 
Turkey." 


129 


ON  THE  MIDWAY 


131 


ON  THE  MIDWAY 


"  "Y  TOL'  ye  wanst,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  that  f  r  wan 
I  man  that  goes  to  a  wurruld's  fair  to  see  how  boots 
is  made,  they'se  twinty  goes  to  see  th'  hootchy- 
kootchy,  an'  that 's  where  th'  wan  lands  fin'lly.  'T  is  so. 
There  was  a  time,  Hinnissy,  whin  people  was  inthrested 
in  th'  cannin'  iv  fruit  an*  how  lamp  chimblies  is  blowed. 
I  know  a  frind  iv  mine  wint  to  th'  Cintinyal  in  Philydel- 
phy  an'  los'  th*  use  iv  his  legs  thravelin'  fr'm  th'  display  iv 
mohair  shawls  to  th'  mannyfacthry  iv  open-face  watches. 
An'  he  thought  he  'd  had  a  good  time.  He  cudden't 
make  a  watch,  lave  alone  buy  wan,  anny  more  afther  he  'd 
seen  thim  made  thin  whin  all  he  knew  about  thim  was 
seein'  thim  hangin'  in  th'  window  iv  a  pawnshop.  '  How 
ar-re  they  made  ? '  says  I.  '  Well,'  says  he,  '  wan  man 
sets  at  a  machine  that  makes  th'  wheels/  he  says,  *  an' 
another  man  at  a  machine  that  makes  th'  case,'  he  says, 
'  an'  so  on,  an'  whin  all  th'  parts  ar-re  complete/  he  says, 
'they're  put  together  be  another  man  an'  there  ye  ar-re,' 
he  says.  '  An'  there  I  am,'  says  I.  '  An'  that 's  how 
watches  is  made,  is  it? '  says  I.     '  Well,  I  know  a  more 

133 


Air.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

gin'rally  undhershtud  way  in  makin'  a  watch  thin  that,' 
says  I.  '  How 's  that  ? '  says  he.  '  Whin  th'  man  that 
owns  it  isn't  lookin','  I  says. 

"'Twas  so  at  Chicago.  They  showed  me  a  printin'- 
press,  an'  I  believed  thini.  They  pinted  out  rocks  an' 
said  goold  was  made  fr'm  thim,  an'  I  niver  winked  an  eye. 
They  took  me  down  an'  faced  me  again  th'  wondhers  iv 
arts  an'  science  an'  commerce  an'  human  ingenooity  an' 
says :  '  Behold/  says  they,  '  what  man  is  doin'  f  r  himsilf. 
Th'  pant  that  wanst  took  wan  man  eight  days  to  complete 
is  now  hurled  out  at  th'  rate  iv  a  thousan'  a  minyit  be  yon 
vast  machine/  says  they.  ^  That  gr-reat  injine  over  there 
is  thransformin'  th'  hog  iv  commerce  into  th'  butther  iv  th' 
creamery/  they  says.  *  Come  an'  see  th'  threshin'-machine 
an'  th'  hydhraulic  pump  an'  th'  steam-shovel/  says  they, 
'  an'  have  th'  time  iv  ye'er  life/  they  says.  '  No/  says  I. 
*  I  seen  enough  f  r  a  day  iv  pleasure/  I  says,  '  an'  now  I 
think  I  '11  back  up  fr'm  th'  wondhers  iv  science  an'  lane 
me  fevered  brow  again  a  tower  iv  Pilsener  beer  in  01' 
Vienny/  I  says.  ^  Take  me,'  I  says,  ^  to  th'  Midway,'  I 
says,  '  f'r  th'  gr-reatest  wurruk  iv  human  ingenooity  is 
human  bein's  an','  I  says,  '  they  're  all  there/  I  says. 
'  Whin  that  machine  larns  to  blow  "  Ich  vise  nix  vas  alius 
bediten "  on  a  horn,  an'  th'  other  wan  can  dance  to  th' 
music  iv  a  tom-tom,  I  '11  come  back  an'  ask  if  I  can't  buy 
thim  something,'  I  says.     '  In  th'  manetime,'  says  I,  *  't  is, 

134 


On  the  Midway 


ho !  f  r  th'  Sthreets  iv  Cairo/  I  says.  An'  I  wint.  An'  so 
goes  ivrybody. 

" '  T  is  no  wondher  that  my  clothes  is  made  be  machin- 
ery. Th'  on'y  wondher  is  that  I  can  get  thini  afther 
they  're  made.  Th'  printin'-press  is  n't  wondherful.  What 's 
wondherful  is  that  annybody  shud  want  it  to  go  on  doin' 
what  it  does.  Ye  can't  dazzle  me  with  th'  cotton-gin  or 
th'  snow-plow  or  th'  ice-machine  or  th'  inkybator.  Says  I 
to  th'  invintors  an'  th'  machinists :  '  Wurruk  away,'  I 
says.  *  at  forge  an'  anvil,'  I  says.  '  Wurruk  out  ye'er 
devices  iv  human  an'  almost  diabolical  ingenooity,'  I  says. 
*  Hammer  away  in  ye'er  overhalls  an'  show  what  mechani- 
cal science  can  do,'  I  says,  '  an'  bring  th'  finished  pro-duct 
to  me,'  I  says.  ^  If  't  is  good  an'  I  have  th'  money,  I  '11 
buy  it,'  I  says.  ^  Ye  '11  find  me  at  th'  cool  table  near  th' 
dure,  an'  ye'll  recognize  me  because  I  '11  have  me  finger  in 
th'  air  signalin'  th'  kellner/  says  I. 

"An'  there  ye  ar-re.  There  ar-re  no  wondhers  iv 
science,  or  if  there  ar-re  anny  they  're  too  wondherful  to  be 
undhershtud  be  anny  wan  but  those  wurrukin'  at  thim  f  r 
two  dollars  a  day.  I  know  they  tell  me  that  at  th'  Pan- 
American  show  in  the  city  iv  Buffalo  th'  ilicthric  light  is 
made  be  Niag'ra  Falls.  Between  you  an'  me,  Hinnissy,  I 
don't  believe  wan  wurrud  iv  it.  It  don't  stand  to  reason. 
What  goes  over  thim  falls?  Wather.  An'  how  in  th' 
wurruld  can  wather  make  lights  ?     Now,  if  't  was  karo- 

135 


Air.  Dooley* s  Opinions 

sene !  But  it 's  wather  that  in  more  civilized  communities 
they  put  th'  lights  out  with.  But  they  tell  ye  they've 
harnessed  th'  falls  to  light  th'  fair  an'  iv'ry  ton  iv  wather 
that  goes  roarin'  down  that  catarack  an'  pours  through  th' 
rapids  between  miles  iv  smilin'  hotels  to  th'  sea,  projooces 
wan  oom  iv  ilicthricity.  An  oom,  Hinnissy,  is  about  th' 
equivalent  iv  a  quart  iv  th'  ilicthrical  flood.  Does  that 
sound  right?  No,  faith,  it  don't.  I  niver  see  Niag'ra 
Falls,  but  I  don't  like  to  think  iv  it  as  a  lamp-lighter 
tearin'  round  with  a  laddher  an'  a  little  torch.  I  don't 
believe  in  makin'  light  iv  th'  falls.  Ye  heerd  th'  joke. 
'Tis  mine,  Hinnissy.  Others  made  it  befure  me,  but  I 
made  it  las'.  Th'  las'  man  that  makes  a  joke  owns  it. 
That 's  why  me  frind,  Chancy  Depoo,  is  such  a  humorist. 

*'  An'  I  don't  care  how  th'  lights  ar-re  made,  annyhow, 
whether  be  th'  wather  that  r-runs  over  th'  falls  or  be  a 
man  with  a  monkey-wrench  in  a  power-house.  What  I  'd 
like  to  see  is  th'  light  whin  it 's  made.  Hogan  seen  it,  an' 
he  says  it  makes  th'  moon  look  like  a  dark  lanthern. 
They  speak  iv  th'  sun  in  Buff'alo  th'  way  a  motorman  on  a 
trolley  line  wud  shpeak  iv  a  horse-car.  ^  Th'  sun  is  settin' 
earlier,'  says  he  to  Connors,  th'  thruckman  that  was  towin' 
him.  '  Since  th'  fair  begun,'  says  Connors,  '  it  has  n't 
showed  afther  eight  o'clock.  We  seldom  hear  iv  it  nowa- 
days. We  set  our  clocks  be  th'  risin'  an'  settin'  iv  th' 
lights.'     Siv'ral  people  spoke  to  Hogan  about  th'  lights. 

136 


On  the  Midway 


He  says  he  thought  Connors  made  thim  be  th'  way  he 
talked,  but  he  come  to  th'  con-elusion  that  all  his  frinds 
had  lint  thim  to  th'  fair  an'  wud  take  thim  home  whin 
't  was  over  an'  put  thim  up  in  th'  back  parlor." 

"  Hogan  has  been  there,  has  he  ? " 

"  Faith,  he  has.  He  seen  it  all.  He  wint  down  there 
las'  week,  an'  says  he  befure  he  left :  '  A  man,'  he  says, 

*  must  keep  abreast  iv  th'  times,'  he  says,  *  an'  larn  what 
mechanical  science  is  doin'  f  r  th'  wurruld,'  he  says.  So 
he  put  his  year's  earnin's  in  his  vest-pocket  an'  started  f'r 
Buffalo.  Martin  Casey's  daughter,  th'  school-teacher,  th' 
wan  that  wears  th'  specs,  wint  th'  nex'  day.  "Tis  a 
gr-reat  idjicational  exhibit,'  says  she.  'I'm  inthrested  in 
th'  study  iv  pidigogy.'  *  Mary,'  says  I,  '  what 's  that  ? '  I 
says.  *  'T  is  th'  science  iv  teachin','  she  says,  *  an'  I  hear 
they've  a  gr-rand  pidigogical  exhibit  there,'  she  says. 
'  I  'm  takin'  along  me  note-book  an'  I  will  pick  up  what 
bets  Petzalootzi,  th'  gr-reat  leader  iv  our  pro-fission,  has 
over-looked,'  she  says.  She  's  a  smart  girl.  She  knows 
hardly    a    wurrud    that    ye  'd    undhershtand,    Hinnissy. 

*  Well,'  says  I,  *  I  hope  't  will  make  a  betther  third-grade 
teacher  iv  ye,'  I  says.  'But  if  ye  miss  Petzalootzi  an' 
wandher  into  th'  Indyan  village  be  chanst,'  says  I,  *  don't 
be  worrid,'  I  says.  '  A  little  knowledge  iv  th'  Soos  an'  th' 
Arrypahoos  an'  their  habits,'  I  says,  *  is  not  a  bad  thing 
fr  anny  wan  that  has  to  larn  Chicago  childher,'  I  says. 

137 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 


"  Hogan  come  back  yisterday  an'  he  sat  in  this  very 
chair  an'  toF  me  about  it.  'How  was  th'  arts  an' 
sciences  ? '  says  I.  '  Fine,'  says  he.  '  I  tell  ye  th'  wurruld 
is  niakin'  gr-reat  pro-gress.  An'  th'  Midway !  Well, 
don't  say  a  wurrud.'  '  Did  ye  go  to  th'  Agaricoolchooral 
Buildin'  ? '  says  I.  '  Well,  no,'  he  says.  *  I  missed  that. 
Connors  was  goin'  to  take  me  there  whin  we  come  fr'm 
th'  bull-fight,  but  I  got  so  inthrested  in  th'  struggle  be- 
tween man  an'  beast,'  he  says,  *  an'  time  flew  so  fast  that 
be  th'  time  I  got  away  th'  punkins  had  gone  to  bed  an'  th' 
agaricoolchooral  show  was  closed,'  he  says.  '  But  't  is  a 
fine  buildin'  on  th'  outside,  an'  th'  lights  is  wondherful. 
Connors  says  there 's  twinty  millyon  candle-power  iv 
lights  on  that  buildin'  alone  an'  he  knows,  f  r  't  was  him 
got  Niag'ra  Falls  to  do  it,'  he  says.  '  They  was  a  fine 
show  iv  machinery  ? '  says  I.  *  They  say  they  has  n't  been 
such  a  fine  show  iv  machinery  since  th'  shovel  was  in- 
vinted,'  says  he.  *  I  was  on  me  way  there  whin  I  thought 
I  'd  take  a  look  in  on  th'  Sthreets  iv  Cairo,  an'  who  d'  ye 
think  I  see  there  ?  Ye  '11  niver  guess.  Well,  't  was  little 
Ahmed  ah  Mamed.  Ye  raymimber  th'  small  naygur  that 
dhrove  th'  roan  donkey  whin  we  had  a  fair  ?  Yes,  sir,  he 
was  there  an'  he  showed  me  th'  whole  thing.  Not  a 
wurrud,  mind  ye,  to  anny  iv  me  fam'ly.  So  whin  I  come 
back  to  see  th'  machinery,  th'  dure  was  locked,  an'  I  had 
to  catch  th'  las'  car.     Oh,  but  't  is  a  handsome  buildin'. 

138 


On  the  Midway 


Connors  tells  me  th'  lights '     *  Niver  mind  that/ 

says  I.  *  How  about  th'  mines,  th'  commercial  display, 
th'  good  ol'  stacks  iv  canned  stamps  an'  ol'  docymints  that 
th'  United  States  govermint  is  thryin'  to  enlighten  th' 
likes  iv  ye  with  ?  Did  you  see  thim  ?  '  *  I  meant  to/ 
says  he.  ^  I  was  on  me  way  fr'm  a  jug  iv  malt  in  an  OF 
German  Village  where  there  's  a  fellow  plays  a  picoloo  in 
a  way  to  make  th'  man  that  made  it  like  it,  an'  I  intiuded 
to  have  a  look  at  all  thim  what-d  'ye-may-call-ims  whin  a 
la-ad  with  a  migaphone  says  right  in  me  ear :  "  I  mean 
you.  This  way,  please.  Raymimber  ye  may  niver  have 
another  chanst.  They  'se  no  delay  an'  no  waitin'."  An' 
says  I  to  mesilf :  "  He  knows  me.  Connors  toF  him  how 
I  stand  at  home.  I  can't  rayfuse  th'  honor."  An'  I  wint 
in.  An'  here  I  am.'  '  Ye  mus'  be  an  intillechool  jint  be 
this  time,'  I  says.     '  I  know  more  thin  I  did,'  says  he,  '■  an' 

thim  lights  iv  Connors '     '  Did  ye  see  Mary  Casey  ?  * 

says  I.  *  I  did,'  says  he.  '  Where  ? '  says  I.  '  On  a 
camel,'  says  he.  'Was  she  with  Petzalootzi ? '  says  I. 
'With  who?'  says  he.  'With  Petzalootzi,  th'  gr-reat 
master  iv  th'  science  iv  pidigogy,'  says  I.  'No,'  says  he. 
'  I  think  his  name  is  Flannigan.  He  used  to  wurruk  f  r 
th'  Mitchigan  Cinthral,'  says  he. 

"An'  there  ye  ar-re  again,  Hinnissy.  Ye  can  believe 
me  or  not,  but  they  're  all  alike,  man,  woman  or  child.  If 
I  iver  give  a  wurruld's  fair,  they  won't  be  much  to  it  but 

139 


Adr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

th'  Midway,  Th'  principal  buildin's  will  be  occypied  be 
th*  Sthreets  iv  Cairo,  th'  Indyan  village,  th'  shoot-th'- 
shoots,  th'  loop-th' -loops  an'  similar  exhibits  iv  what  man 
is  doin'  not  f r  mankind  but  f  r  himsilf.  They  '11  all  be  in 
th'  main  sthreet,  an'  they  '11  be  bands  playin'  an'  tom-toms 
beatin'  an'  Egyptian  girls  dancin'  an'  Indyans  howlin'  an' 
men  hootin'  through  migaphones  fr'm  th'  minyit  ye  hand 
ye'er  ticket  to  th'  chopper  at  th'  big  gate.  An'  away  over 
in  a  corner  iv  th'  gr-round  in  a  buildin'  as  small  an'  ob- 
scure as  Alice  Benbolt's  grave,  where  no  man  'd  find  it 
onless  he  thripped  over  it  on  his  way  to  th'  merry-go- 
round,  I  'd  put  all  th'  arts  an'  sciences  I  cud  pack  into  it 
an'  lave  th'  r-rest  outside  where  they  cud  wurruk.  F'r  a 
wurruld's  fair  is  no  rollin' -mills.  If  it  was,  ye  'd  be  paid 
f'r  goin'  there.  'Tis  not  th'  rollin'-mills  an'  'tis  not  a 
school  or  a  machine-shop  or  a  grocery-store.  'T  is  a  big 
circus  with  manny  rings.  An'  that 's  what  it  ought 
to  be." 

"  Why  do  they  get  thim  up  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"They  get  thim  up  f'r  th'  advancement  iv  thought  an' 
th'  gate  receipts,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  But  they  're  run 
f'r  a  good  time  an'  a  deffycit. 

"  They  tell  me  th'  wan  we  had  give  an  impetus,  what- 
iver  that  is,  to  archytecture  that  it  has  n't  raycovered  fr'm 
yet.  Afther  th'  fair,  ivrybody  that  was  annybody  had  to 
go  to  live  in  a  Greek  temple  with  an  Eyetalian  roof  an' 

140 


On  the  Midway 


bay-windows.  But  thira  that  was  n't  annybody  has  f  rgot 
all  about  th'  wooden  island  an'  th'  Coort  iv  Honor,  an' 
whin  ye  say  annything  to  thim  about  th'  fair,  they  say  : 
^  D'  ye  raymimber  th'  night  I  see  ye  on  th'  Midway  ? 
Oh,  my!'" 

"  D'  ye  think,  Mr.  Dooley,  they  do  a  city  anny  good  ?" 
asked  the  practical  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  They  may  not  do  th'  city  anny  good,  but  they  *re  good 
f  r  the  people  in  it,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  An'  they  do  th'  city  good  in  wan  way.  If  a  city  has 
wan  fair,  it  niver  has  to  have  another." 


141 


MR.  CARNEGIE S  GIFT 


143 


MR.   CARNEGIE'S  GIFT 


"  f'   ■    ^IN  millyon  dollars  to  make  th'  Scotch  a  larned 
I         people,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
-*-  "  Who  done  that  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Andhrew  Carnaygie,"  says  Mr.  Dooley.  "  He  reaches 
down  into  his  pocket  where  he  keeps  th'  change  an'  pulls 
up  tin  millyon  bawbies,  an'  says  he  :  '  Boys,  take  ye'er 
fill  iv  larnin',  an'  charge  it  to  me,'  he  says.  '  Diwle  hang 
th'  expinse,'  he  says.  '  Th'  more  th'  merryer,'  he  says. 
'  A  short  life  an'  a  happy  wan,'  he  says.  '  Lam  annything 
ye  like,'  he  says.  'Name  ye'er  priference,'  he  says,  'an' 
put  it  all  down  to  Camaygie,'  he  says. 

"That's  th'  way  we  do  it,  Andhrew  an'  me.  Whin 
other  men  are  chasin'  a  bit  iv  loose  money  to  th*  corner 
iv  a  little  leather  purse  to  make  good  on  a  chair  or  a 
foldin*  bed  iv  classical  larnin',  we  ordher  th*  whole  furni- 
ture store  an'  have  th'  bill  sint  up  to  th'  house.  Idjaca- 
tion  in  Scotland  has  been  on  th'  retail.  Th*  Scotch 
have  been  goin'  in  with  a  bag  of  oatmeal  an'  exchangin' 
it  fr  enough  larnin'  to  last  over  th*  night.  It's  been 
hand  to  mouth  with  thim  f  r  years.  Andhrew  an'  me  pro- 
pose f  r  to  buy  idjacation  f  r  thim  in  th'  bulk.  Profissor, 
10  145 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 

wrap  up  tin  millyon  dollars'  worth  iv  thought  an'  sind 
it  to  th'  Scotch. 

"  Hinnissy,  I  don't  know  what 's  goin'  to  happen  whin 
us  American  millyonaires  begins  to  unbelt.  It  used  to  be 
that  we  niver  knew  whin  we  had  enough.  No  matther 
how  much  I  made  I  was  hanted  be  th'  fear  that  I  'd  wake 
up  in  th'  mornin'  an'  find  it  all  gone  an'  me  with  a  pair  of 
overalls  on  runnin'  up  a  laddher  with  a  box  iv  mortar  on 
me  neck.  Whin  ye  run  in  an'  paid  me  th'  three  millyon 
dollars  ye  owed,  I  was  afraid  to  put  it  in  a  dhrawer  f  r 
fear  ye  might  come  back  afther  I  was  gone,  an'  I  did  n't 
want  to  carry  it  in  me  pocket  f  r  fear  I  'd  lose  it,  an'  if  I 
stuck  it  in  a  bank  an'  see  th'  prisidint  ridin'  in  a  cab,  a 
chill  wint  up  me  back  an'  I  dhreamed  that  night  iv  mesilf 
with  a  dinner-pail  undher  me  arm  pikin'  off  to  th'  rollin' 
mills  just  befure  th'  sun  come  up.  But  ye  get  used  to 
money  just  as  ye  get  used  to  poverty,  Hinnissy,  though 
niver  as  much  used  to  it,  fr'm  th'  lack  iv  companions,  an' 
there  come  a  time  whin  I  didn't  know  what  to  do  with  it. 
I  cudden't  give  it  back  to  th'  men  I  got  it  fr'm.  They 
wudden't  take  it.  Manny  iv  thim  ar-re  dead.  Besides,  't  is 
again  me  system.  I  've  got  into  th'  habit  iv  makin'  it,  but 
not  into  th'  habit  iv  spindin'  it.  I  can't  buy  things  with 
it,  f'r  there 's  nawthin'  I  've  larned  how  to  buy  that  won't 
make  money  f  r  me.  I  can't  give  it  to  th'  poor  because  if 
they  had  it  they  wudden't  be  poor  anny  longer.    Besides  no 

146 


Mr.  Carnegie^ s  Gift 

wan  ought  to  be  poor  in  this  land  iv  opporchunity.  As  th' 
pote  says,  Opporchunity  knocks  at  ivry  man's  dure  wanst. 
On  some  men's  dures  it  hammers  till  it  breaks  down  th' 
dure  an'  thin  it  goes  in  an'  wakes  him  up  if  he 's  asleep, 
an'  iver  aftherward  it  wurruks  fr  him  as  a  night-watch- 
man. On  other  men's  dures  it  knocks  an'  runs  away, 
an'  on  th'  dures  iv  some  men  it  knocks  an'  whin  they 
come  out  it  hits  thim  over  th'  head  with  an  axe.  But 
ivry  wan  has  an  opporchunity.  Th'  poor  ar-re  people 
that  've  been  out  at  wurruk  whin  opporchunity  knocked. 
I  can't  do  annything  f  r  thim.  Th'  poor  must  n't  be  pauper- 
ized. But  I  must  do  something  to  get  rid  iv  th'  accumu- 
lations iv  roly  boly  that's  grajally  crushin'  out  me  young 
life,  so  I  buys  a  university  to  play  with. 

"  Th'  day  whin  we  millyonaires  bought  yachts  an'  brown 
stone  houses  with  mansard  roofs  onto  thim  an'  were  proud 
iv  havin'  thim  has  gone  by,  Hinnissy.  'T  will  not  be  long 
befure  none  will  be  so  poor  as  not  to  own  a  private  yacht, 
an'  th'  nex'  time  a  Coxey  army  starts  f  r  Wash'nton,  it  '11 
ride  in  a  specyal  vestibule  thrain.  What  was  luxuries  a 
few  years  ago  is  mere  necessities  now.  Pierpont  Morgan 
calls  in  wan  iv  his  office  boys,  th'  prisidint  iv  a  naytional 
bank  an'  says  he,  *  James,'  he  says,  '  take  some  change 
out  iv  th'  damper  an'  r-run  out  an'  buy  Europe  f  r  me,'  he 
says.  '  I  intind  to  re-organize  it  an'  put  it  on  a  paying 
basis/  he  says.     '  Call  up  th'  Czar  an*  th'  Pope  an'  th' 

147 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

Sultan  an'  th'  Impror  Willum,  an'  tell  thim  we  won't  need 
their  sarvices  afther  nex'  week/  he  says.  *  Give  thim  a 
year's  salary  in  advance.  An',  James/  he  says,  *  Ye  bet- 
ther  put  that  r-red  headed  book-keeper  near  th'  dure  in 
charge  iv  th'  continent.  He  doesn't  seem  to  be  doin' 
much/  he  says.  Ye  see,  Hinnissy,  th'  game  has  got 
so  much  bigger  since  we  first  made  our  money  that  if 
Jay  Gould  was  to  come  back  to  earth  with  some  iv  th' 
plays  we  used  to  wondher  about,  he'd  feel  like  an  old 
clothes  man.  So,  'tis  nawthin'  strange  whin  Jawn  D., 
or  Andhrew,  or  mesilf,  buys  a  string  iv  universities 
an'  puts  in  tin  millyons  to  teach  th'  young  idee  how  to 
loot.  Befure  long  we'll  be  racin'  thim.  I  don't  know 
but  what 't  is  th'  finest  kind  iv  spoort  th'  wurruld  has  iver 
heerd  about. 

"  Father  Kelly  don't  think  as  much  iv  it  as  I  do.  He 
was  in  here  las'  night,  an'  says  he  :  ^  Ye  can't  buy  idjaca- 
tion  f  r  people/  he  says.  '  If  ye  cud,  th'  on'y  man  in  th' 
wurruld  that  knew  annything  wud  be  Jawn  D.  Rockefeller,' 
he  says.  ^  Idjacation,'  he  says,  *  is  something  that  a  man 
has  to  fight  f'r  an'  pull  out  iv  its  hole  be  th'  hair  iv  its 
head/  he  says.  'That's  th'  reason  it's  so  precious/  he 
says.  '  They  'se  so  little  iv  it,  an'  it 's  so  hard  to  get,'  he 
says.  '  They  'se  anny  quantity  iv  gab  that  looks  like  it, 
but  it  ain't  th'  rale  thing,'  he  says.  '  Th'  wurruld  is  full 
iv  people  wearin'  false  joolry  iv  that  kind,'  he  says,  '  but 

148 


Mr.  Carnegie^ s  Gift 

afther  thej  Ve  had  it  f  r  a  long  time,  it  tur-rns  green  an' 
blue,  an'  some  day  whin  they  thry  to  get  something  on  it,  th' 
pawnbroker  throws  thim  out.  No,  sir,  idjacation  means 
throuble  an'  wurruk  an'  worry,  an'  Andhrew  Carnaygie 
himsilf  is  th'  on'y  wan  I  know  that 's  been  able  to  pick 
it  up  in  th'  brief  inthervals  between  wan  dollar  an'  an- 
other,' he  says.  '  Th'  smartest  man  in  my  day  at  th'  Col- 
ledge  iv  th'  Sacred  Heart  was  a  la-ad  who  used  to  come 
to  school  with  a  half  a  dozen  biled  potatoes  in  an  oF  news- 
paper, an'  sawed  wood  all  evenin'  to  pay  fr  his  larnin'. 
Anny thing  that  boy  larned,  he  lamed,  ye  bet.  Ivry  line  iv 
Latin  he  knew  riprisinted  a  stick  iv  wood,  an'  belonged  to 
him.  'T  was  n't  borrowed  at  th'  back  dure  iv  a  millyon- 
aire.  He  knew  more  thin  anny  man  I  iver  see,  an'  he 's 
now  at  th'  head  iv  wan  iv  th'  best  little  wan  room  schools 
in  Du  Page  County,'  he  says.  *  Andhrew  Carnaygie 's  tin 
millyons  won't  make  anny  Robert  Burns,'  he  says.  'It 
may  make  more  Andhrew  Carnaygies,'  says  I.  '  They  'se 
enough  to  go  round  now,'  says  he. 

'-'  I  don't  know  that  he 's  right.  I  don't  know  f  r  sure 
that  Father  Kelly  is  r-right,  Hinnissy.  I  don't  think  it 
makes  anny  difference  wan  way  or  th'  other  how  free  ye 
make  idjacation.  Men  that  wants  it  '11  have  it  be  hook 
an*  be  crook,  an'  thim  that  don't  ra-aly  want  it  niver  will 
get  it.  Ye  can  lade  a  man  up  to  th'  university,  but  ye 
can't  make  him  think.     But  if  I  had  as  much  money  as  I 

149 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

said  I  had  a  minyit  ago,  I  'd  endow  a  bar'l  iv  oatmeal  f  r 
ivry  boy  in  Scotland  that  wanted  an  idjacation,  an'  lave  it 
go  at  that.  Idjacation  can  always  be  had,  but  they'se 
niver  enough  oatmeal  in  Scotland." 

"  Or  Homestead,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Or  Homestead,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


160 


THE   CRUSADE  AGAINST 
VICE 


151 


I 


THE  CRUSADE  AGAINST 
VICE 


"  "^  "TICE,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "is  a  creature  of  such 
\/  heejous  mien,  as  Hogan  says,  that  th'  more  ye 
see  it  th'  betther  ye  like  it.  I  'd  be  afraid  to 
enther  upon  a  crusade  again  vice  f  r  fear  I  might  prefer  it 
to  th'  varchous  life  iv  a  rayspictable  liqour  dealer.  But 
annyhow  th'  crusade  has  started,  an'  befure  manny  months 
I'll  be  lookin'  undher  th'  table  whin  I  set  down  to  a 
peaceful  game  iv  solytaire  to  see  if  a  polisman  in  citizens' 
clothes  ain't  concealed  there. 

"  Th'  city  iv  Noo  York,  Hinnissy,  sets  th'  fashion  iv 
vice  an'  starts  th'  crusade  again  it.  Thin  ivrybody  else 
takes  it  up.  They  'se  crusades  an'  crusaders  in  ivry  hamlet 
in  th'  land  an'  places  that  is  cursed  with  nawthin'  worse 
thin  pitchin'  horseshoes  sinds  to  th'  neighborin'  big  city  f  r 
a  case  iv  vice  to  suppress.  We  're  in  th'  mist  iv  a  crusade 
now,  an'  there  is  n't  a  polisman  in  town  who  is  n't  thremblin' 
f  r  his  job. 

153 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

"As  a  people,  Hinnissj,  we're  th*  greatest  crusaders 
that  iver  was  —  f  r  a  short  distance.  On  a  quarther  mile 
thrack  we  can  crusade  at  a  rate  that  wud  make  Hogan's 
frind,  Godfrey  th'  Bullion  look  like  a  crab.  But  th' 
throuble  is  th'  crusade  don't  last  afther  th'  first  sprint. 
Th'  crusaders  drops  out  iv  th'  procission  to  take  a  dhrink 
or  put  a  little  money  on  th'  ace  an'  be  th'  time  th'  end  iv 
th'  line  iv  march  is  reached  th'  boss  crusader  is  alone  in 
th'  job  an'  his  former  followers  is  hurlin'  bricks  at  him 
fr'm  th'  windows  iv  policy  shops.  Th'  boss  crusader 
always  gets  th'  double  cross.  If  I  wanted  to  sind  me 
good  name  down  to  th'  ginerations  with  Cap.  Kidd  an' 
Jesse  James  I'd  lead  a  movement  f'r  th'  suppression  iv 
vice.     I  wud  so. 

"Ye  see,  Hinnissy,  'tis  this  way:  th'  la-ads  ilicted  to 
office  an'  put  on  th'  polis  foorce  is  in  need  iv  a  little  loose 
change,  an'  th'  on'y  way  they  can  get  it  is  to  be  negotyatin' 
with  vice.  Tammany  can't  raise  anny'  money  on  th' 
churches;  it  won't  do  f'r  thim  to  raid  a  gints'  furnishin' 
sthore  f'r  keepin'  disorderly  neckties  in  th'  window. 
They  've  got  to  get  th'  money  where  it 's  comin'  to  thim 
an'  't  is  on'y  comin'  to  thim  where  th'  law  an'  vile  human 
nature  has  a  sthrangle  holt  on  each  other.  A  polisman 
goes  afther  vice  as  an  officer  iv  th'  law  an'  comes  away  as 
a  philosopher.  Th'  theery  iv  mesilf,  Hogan,  Croker,  an' 
other  larned  men  is  that  vice  whin  it 's  broke  is  a  crime 

154 


The  Crusade  against  Vice 

an'  whin  it's  got  a  bank  account  is  a  necessity  an'  a 
luxur;^.  ^ 

"  Well,  th'  la-ads  goes  on  usin'  th'  revised  statues  as  a 
sandbag  an'  by  an'  by  th'  captain  iv  th'  polis  station  gets 
to  a  pint  where  his  steam  yacht  bumps  into  a  canoe  iv  th* 
prisidint  iv  th'  Standard  He  Comp'ny  an'  thin  there 's  th' 
divvle  to  pay.  It's  been  a  dull  summer  annyhow  an' 
people  ar-re  lookin'  f  r  a  change  an'  a  little  divarsion,  an' 
somebody  who  does  n't  raymimber  what  happened  to  th' 
last  man  that  led  a  crusade  again  vice,  gets  up  an',  says 
he :  ^  This  here  city  is  a  verytable  Sodom  an'  it  must  be 
cleaned  out,'  an'  ivrybody  takes  a  broom  at  it.  Th' 
churches  appints  comities  an'  so  does  th'  Stock  Exchange 
an'  th'  Brewers'  Society  an'  afther  awhile  other  organiza- 
tions jumps  into  th'  fray,  as  Hogan  says.  Witnesses  is 
summoned  befure  th'  comity  iv  th'  Amalgamated  Union  iv 
Shell  Wurrukers,  th'  S'ciety  f'r  th'  Privintion  iv  Good 
Money,  th'  Ancient  Ordher  iv  Send  Men,  th'  Knights  iv 
th'  Round  Table  with  th'  slit  in  th'  centhre;  an'  Spike 
McGlue  th'  burglar  examines  thim  on  vice  they  have  met 
an'  what  ought  to  be  done  tow'rd  keepin'  th'  polis  in 
nights.  Thin  th'  man  that  objects  to  canary  bur-rds  in 
windows,  sthreet-music,  vivysection,  profanity,  expensive 
fun'rals,  open  sthreet  cars  an'  other  vices,  takes  a  hand  an' 
ye  can  hear  him  as  well  as  th'  others.  Vice  is  th'  on'y 
thing  talked  iv  at  th'  church  socyables  an'  th'  mothers' 

155 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

meetin's ;  't  is  raysolved  be  th'  Insomnya  Club  that  now 's 
th'  time  to  make  a  flyin'  wedge  again  th'  divvlish  hurdy 
gurdy  an'  meetin's  are  called  to  burn  th'  polls  in  ile  f  r  not 
arrestin'  th'  criminals  who  sell  vigi tables  at  th'  top  iv  their 
lunors.  Some  wan  invints  an  anti-vice  cocktail.  Lectures 
is  delivered  to  small  bodies  iv  preachers  on  how  to  detect 
vice  so  that  no  wan  can  palm  off  countherfeit  vice  on  thim 
an'  make  thim  think  't  is  good.  Th'  polls  becomes  active 
an'  whin  th'  polls  is  active  't  is  a  good  time  f  r  dacint  men 
to  wear  marredge  certy-ficates  outside  iv  their  coats. 
Hanyous  monsthers  is  nailed  in  th'  act  iv  histin'  in  a  shell 
iv  beer  in  a  German  Garden ;  husbands  waits  in  th'  polls 
station  to  be  r-ready  to  bail  out  their  wives  whin  they  're , 
arrested  f  r  shoppin'  afther  four  o'clock ;  an'  there 's  more 
joy  over  wan  sinner  rayturned  to  th'  station  thin  fr  ninety 
an'  nine  that  've  rayformed. 

"  Th'  boss  crusader  is  havin'  th'  time  iv  his  life  all  th' 
while.  His  pitcher  is  in  th'  papers  ivry  mornin'  an'  his 
sermons  is  a  directhry  iv  places  iv  amusement.  He  says 
to  himsilf  *  I  am  improvin'  th'  wurruld  an'  me  name  will  go 
down  to  th'  ginerations  as  th'  greatest  vice  buster  iv  th' 
cinchry.  Whin  I  get  through  they  won't  be  enough  crime 
left  in  this  city  to  amuse  a  sthranger  fr'm  Hannybal 
Missoury  I'r  twinty  minyits,'  he  says.  That 's  where  he  *s 
wrong.  Afther  awhile  people  gets  tired  iv  th'  pastime. 
They  want  somewhere  to  go  nights.     Most  people  ain't 

166 


The  Crusade  against  Vice 

vicious,  Hinnissy,  an'  it  takes  vice  to  hunt  vice.  That 
accounts  fr  polismen.  Besides  th'  horse  show  or  th'  foot- 
ball games  or  something  else  excitin'  divarts  their  attintiou 
an'  wan  day  th'  boss  crusader  finds  that  he's  alone  in 
Sodom.  *  Vice  ain't  so  bad  afther  all.  I  notice  business 
was  betther  whin  't  was  rampant,'  says  wan  la-ad.  *  Sure 
ye  're  right,'  says  another.  *  I  have  n't  sold  a  single  pink 
shirt  since  that  man  Markers  closed  th'  faro  games,'  says 
he.  *Th'  theaytre  business  ain't  what  it  was  whin  they 
was  more  vice,'  says  another.  ^  This  ain't  no  Connecticut 
village,'  he  says.  'An'  'tis  no  use  thryin'  to  inthrajooce 
soomchury  ligislation  in  this  impeeryal  American  city,'  he 
says,  '  where  people  come  pursooed  be  th'  sheriff  fr'm  ivry 
corner  iv  th'  wurruld,'  he  says.  *  Ye  can't  make  laws  fr 
this  community  that  wud  suit  a  New  England  village,'  he 
says,  '  where,'  he  says,  '  th'  people  ar-re  too  uncivilized  to 
be  immoral,'  he  says.  '  Vice,'  he  says,  '  goes  a  long  way 
tow'rd  makin'  life  bearable,'  he  says.  *  A  little  vice  now 
an'  thin  is  relished  be  th'  best  iv  men,'  he  says.  '  Who 's 
this  Parkers,  annyhow,  intherferin'  with  th'  liberty  iv  th' 
individooal,  an','  he  says,  'makin'  it  hard  to  rent  houses 
on  th'  side  sthreets,'  he  says.  '  I  bet  ye  if  ye  invistigate 
ye  '11  find  that  he 's  no  betther  thin  he  shud  be  himsilf,'  he 
says.  An'  th'  best  Parkers  gets  out  iv  it  is  to  be  able  to 
escape  fr'm  town  in  a  wig  an*  false  whiskers.  Thin  th' 
captain  iv  th'  polis  that 's  been  a  spindin'  his  vacation  in 

157 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

th'  disthrict  where  a  man  has  to  be  a  Rocky  Mountain 
sheep  to  be  a  polisman,  returns  to  his  old  place,  puts  up 
his  hat  on  th'  rack  an'  says,  '  Garrity,  if  annybody  calls  ye 
can  tell  him  to  put  it  in  an  anvelope  an'  leave  it  in  me 
box.  An'  if  ye've  got  a  good  man  handy  I  wisht  ye'd 
sind  him  over  an'  have  him  punch  th'  bishop's  head.  His 
grace  is  gettin'  too  gay.' 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re,  Hinnissy.  Th'  crusade  is  over  an' 
Vice  is  rampant  again.  \X'«i  afraid,  me  la-ad,  that  th' 
frinds  iv  vice  is  too  sthrong  in  this  wurruld  iv  sin  fr  th' 
frinds  iv  varchue.  Th'  good  man,  th'  crusader,  on'y 
wurruks  at  th'  crusade  wanst  in  five  years,  an'  on'y  vrhin 
he  has  time  to  spare  fr'm  his  other  jooties.  'Tis  a  pastime 
fr  him.  But  th'  definse  iv  vice  is  a  business  with  th' 
other  la-ad  an'  he  nails  away  at  it,  week  days  an'  Sundays, 
holy  days  an'  fish  days,  mornin',  noon  an'  night.'^ 

"  They  ought  to  hang  some  iv  thim  poUyticians,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy  angrily. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I  don't  know.  I  don't 
expict  to  gather  calla  lillies  in  Hogan's  turnip  patch. 
Why  shud  I  expict  to  pick  bunches  iv  spotless  statesmen 
fr'm  th'  gradooation  class  iv  th'  house  iv  correction." 


158 


THE  NEW  YORK  CUSTOM 
HO  USE 


159 


J? 


THE   NEJV  YORK   CUS- 
TOM  HOUSE 


"  T   -y  ANNIGAN  's  back,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

I  I  "  I  did  n't  know  he  'd  iver  been  away,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Oh,  he  has  that,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "He's  been 
makin'  what  Hogau  calls  th'  gran'  tower.  He 's  been  to 
New  York  an'  to  Cork  an'  he  see  his  rilitives,  an'  now  he 's 
come  home  f 'r  to  thry  to  get  even.  He  had  a  gran'  time, 
an'  some  day  I'll  get  him  in  here  an'  have  him  tell  ye 
about  it." 

"  Did  he  bring  annything  back  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  He  started  to,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Befure  he  left 
Queenstown  he  laid  in  a  supply  iv  th'  stimulant  that 's 
made  th'  Irish  th'  finest  potes  an'  rivolutionists  an'  th' 
poorest  bookkeepers  in  th'  wurruld,  an'  a  dozen  or  two 
iv  blackthorn  sticks  f 'r  frinds  iv  his  on  th'  polls.  He  had 
a  most  tumulchuse  v'yage.  There  was  a  man  played  th' 
accorjeen  all  th'  way  acrost.  Glad  he  was  to  see  th' 
pleasant  fields  iv  Noo  Jarsey  an'  th'  sthreet  clanin'  depart- 
II  161 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 

ment's  scows  goin'  out  to  sea,  an'  tli'  la-ad  fr'm  tli'  health 
boord  comin'  aboord  an'  askin'  ivrybody  did  they  have 
th'  small  pox  an'  was  they  convicts.  There  was  a  Rooshian 
on  th'  boat  that  'd  been  run  out  iv  Rooshia  because  he  cud 
r-read,  an'  people  thought  he  was  gettiu'  r-ready  to  peg 
something  at  th'  Czar,  an'  Hannigan  an'  him  got  to  be 
gr-reat  frinds.  As  they  shtud  on  th'  deck,  Hannigan 
banged  him  on  th'  back  an'  says  he :  ^  Look,'  he  says 
with  th'  tears  r-runnin'  down  his  cheeks.  He  was  wanst 
in  th'  ligislachure.  ^  Look,'  he  says,  *  ye  poor  down- 
throdden  serf,'  he  says.  '  Behold,  th'  land  iv  freedom,'  he 
says,  'where  ivry  man's  as  good  as  ivry  other  man,'  he 
says,  '  on'y  th'  other  man  don't  know  it,'  he  says.  '  That 
flag  which  I  can't  see,  but  I  know  't  is  there,'  he  says, 
'  floats  over  no  race  iv  slaves,'  he  says.  *  Whin  I  shtep 
off  th'boat,'  he  says,  '  I  '11  put  me  box  on  me  shouldher,' 
he  says,  '  an'  I  '11  be  as  free  as  anny  man  alive,'  he  says, 
'  an'  if  e'er  a  sowl  speaks  to  me,  I  '11  give  Tiim  a  dhrink 
out  iv  th'  bottle  or  a  belt  with  th'  blackthorn,'  he  says, 
'  an'  little  I  care  which  it  is,'  he  says.  '  A  smile  f 'r  those 
that  love  ye,  an'  a  punch  f'r  those  that  hate,  as  Tom 
Moore,  th'  pote,  says,'  he  says.  'Land  iv  liberty,'  he 
says,  '  I  salute  ye,'  he  says,  wavin'  his  hat  at  a  soap 
facthry.  '  Have  ye  declared  yet  ? '  says  a  man  at  his 
elbow.  '  Declared  what  ? '  says  Hannigan.  '  Th'  things 
ye  have  in  th'  box,'  says  th'  man.      'I  have  not,'  says 

162 


The  New  York  Custom  House 

Hannigan.  ^  Th'  contints  iv  that  crate  is  sacred  between 
me  an'  mesilf/  he  says.  *  Well/  says  th'  man,  *  Ye  'd 
betther  slide  down  th'  companyion  way  or  stairs  to  th' 
basement  iv  th'  ship  an'  tell  what  ye  know,'  he  says,  '  or 
'tis  mindin'  bar'ls  at  th'  pinitinchry  ye '11  be  this  day 
week,'  he  says. 

"  Well,  Hannigan  is  an  Irish  raypublican  that  does  what 
he's  told,  so  he  wint  downstairs  an'  there  was  a  lot  iv 
la-ads  sittin'  ar-round  a  table,  an'  says  wan  iv  thim : 
*  What 's  ye'er  name,  Tim  Hannigan,  an'  ar-re  ye  a  citizen 
iv  this  counthry  ? '  ^  Well,  Glory  be  to  th'  saints ! '  says 
Hannigan,  '  if  that  ain't  Petie  Casey,  th'  tailor's  son. 
Well,  how  ar-re  ye  an'  what  ar-re  ye  doin'  down  here  ? ' 
he  says.  '  I  'm  a  customs  inspictor,'  says  th'  boy.  *  'T  is 
a  good  job,'  says  Hannigan.  '  I  thried  f 'r  it  wanst  mesilf, 
but  I  jined  th'  wrong  or-gan-ization,'  he  says.  '  Step  out 
an'  have  a  dhrink,'  he  says.  'I've  a  bottle  iv  Irish 
whiskey  in  ray  thrunk  that'd  make  ye  think  ye  was 
swallowin'  a  pincushion,'  he  says.  '  Sh-h,'  says  Petie 
Casey.  '  Man  alive,  ye  '11  be  in  th'  lock-up  in  another 
minyit  if  ye  don't  keep  quite.  That  fellow  behind  ye  is  a 
mannyfacthrer  iv  Irish  whiskey  in  Bleecker  Sthreet  an' 
he 's  hand  in  glove  with  th'  administhration,'  he  says. 
'Well,  annyhow,'  says  Hannigan,  'I  want  to  give  ye  a 
blackthorn  shtick  f'r  ye'er  father,'  he  says.  'Lord  bless 
me  sowl!'    says  th'   boy.     '  Ye '11  lose  me  me  job  yet. 

163 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

That  fellow  with  th'  r-red  hair  is  th'  principal  Rahway 
dealer  in  blackthorns.  His  name  is  Schmidt,  an'  he's 
sint  down  here  f 'r  to  see  that  th'  infant  industhries  iv 
Rahway  don't  got  th'  worst  iv  it  fr'm  th'  pauper  labor  iv 
Europe,'  he  says.  With  that,  th'  chief  inspictor  come  up 
an'  says  he :  *  Misther  Hannigan,'  he  says,  '  On  ye'er 
wurrud  iv  honor  as  an  Irish  gintleman  an'  an  American 
citizen,'  he  says,  '  have  ye  anny thing  in  that  box  that  ye 
cud  've  paid  more  f 'r  in  this  counthry  ?  '  '  On  me  wurrud 
iv  honor,'  says  Hannigan.  '  I  believe  ye,'  says  th'  chief. 
^  Swear  him.  Ye  know  th'  solemnity  iv  an  oath.  Ye  do 
solemnly  swear  be  this  an'  be  that  that  ye  have  not  been 
lyin'  all  this  time  like  th'  knavish  scoundhrel  that  ye  wud 
be  if  ye  did,'  he  says.  '  I  swear,'  says  Hannigan.  '  That 
will  suffice,'  says  th'  chief.  '  Ye  look  like  an  honest  man, 
an'  if  ye  're  perjured  ye'ersilf,  ye  '11  go  to  jail,'  he  says. 

*  Ye  're  an  American  citizen  an'  ye  wudden't  lie,'  he  says. 

*  We  believe  ye  an  th'  sicrety  iv  th'  threeasury  believes  ye 
as  much  as  we  wud  oursilves,'  he  says.  '  Go  down  on  th' 
dock  an'  be  searched,'  he  says. 

''Hannigan  says  he  wint  down  on  th'  dock  practisin' 
th'  lock  step,  so  he  wudden't  seem  green  whin  they  put 
him  in  f'r  perjury.  I  won't  tell  ye  what  he  see  on  th' 
dock.  No,  I  won't,  Hinnissy.  'Tis  n't  annything  ye  ought 
to  know,  onless  ye  're  goin'  into  th'  dhry  goods  business. 
Hannigan  says  they  had  n't  got  half  way  to  th'  bottom  iv 

164 


The  New  Tork  Custom  House 

th'  thruiiks  an'  there  was  n't  a  woman  fr'm  th'  boat  that 
he  'd  dare  to  look  in  th'  face.  He  tur-rned  away  with  a 
blush  an'  see  his  wife  an'  childher  standin'  behind  th' 
bars  iv  a  fence  an'  he  started  f  'r  thim.  *  Hoi'  on  there,' 
says  a  polisman.  '  Where  are  ye  goin'  ? '  he  says.  '  To 
see  me  wife,  ye  gom,'  says  Hannigan.  '  Ye  can't  see  her 
till  we  look  at  what  ye  've  got  in  th'  box,'  says  th'  copper. 

*  Ye  'er  domestic  jooties  can  wait  on  til  we  see  about  th' 
others,'  says  he.  *  Ye  're  a  prisoner,'  says  he,  *  till  we 
prove  that  ye  ought  to  be,'  he  says.  With  that  Mrs.  Han- 
nigan calls  out :    '  Tim,'  she  says,   ^  Pah-pah,'   she   says. 

*  Ar-re  ye  undher  arrest  ?  '  she  says.  '  An'  ye  promised 
me  ye  wudden't  dhrink,'  she  says.  *What  ar-re  ye 
charged  with  ?  '  she  says.  ^  Threason,'  says  he.  '  I  wint 
away  fr'm  home,'  he  says.  *  But  that's  no  crime,'  she 
says.     '  Yes  it  is,'  says  he.     ^  I  come  back,'  he  says. 

"  With  that  another  inspictor  come  along  an'  he  says : 

*  Open  that  thrunk,'  he  says.     '  Cut  th'  rope,'  he  says. 

*  Boys,  bring  an  axe  an'  lave  us  see  what  this  smuggler 
has  in  th'  box,'  he  says.  '  What  *s  this  ?  A  blackthorn 
cane  !  Confiscate  it.  A  bottle  iv  whiskey.  Put  it  aside 
f 'r  ividence.  A  coat !  Miscreent !  A  pair  iv  pants  \  Ye 
perjured  ruffyan  !  Don't  ye  know  ye  can  get  nearly  as  good 
a  pair  iv  pants  f'r  twice  th'  money  in  this  counthry? 
Three  collars  ?  Hyena !  A  bar  iv  soap.  An'  this  man 
calls  himself  a  pathrite  !     Where  did  ye  get  that  thrunk  ? 

165 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

It  looks  foreign.  I  '11  take  it.  Open  ye'er  mouth.  I  '11 
throuble  ye  f 'r  that  back  tooth.  Me  nxjan,'  he  says,  '  Ye 
have  taken  a  long  chanst,'  he  says,  '  but  I  won't  be  hard 
on  ye.  Ye  '11  need  clothes/  he  says.  '  Here  's  me  card,' 
he  says.  ^I'm  an  inspictor  iv  customs  on  th'  side,  but 
th'  govermint  really  hires  me  to  riprisint  Guldenheim 
an'  Eckstein,  shirt  makers,  be  appintmint  to  th'  cabinet, 
an'  Higgins  an'  Co.,  authors  iv  th'  Durable  Pant.  A  good 
pant.  If  ye  want  an  ny thing  in  our  line,  call  on  our  store. 
No  throuble  to  take  money.' 

"  Hannigan  wint  out  an'  found  Honorya  an'  th'  childher 
had  gone  off  f 'r  to  get  a  bondsman.  Thin  he  tur-rned  an' 
called  out  to  th'  inspictor  :  '  Look  here,  you ! '  ^  What 
is  it?'  says  th'  man.  ^  Ye  missed  something,'  says  Han- 
nigan. '  I  was  tattooed  in  Cork,'  he  says.  '  Stop  that 
man,'  says  th'  head  iv  a  ladin'  firm  iv  tattooers  an'  prisidint 
iv  th*  society  f  'r  th'  Protection  iv  American  Art,  If  Such 
There  Be.  '  Stop  him ;  he 's  smugglin'  in-  foreign  art ! ' 
he  says.  But  Hannigan  bate  him  to  th'  sthreet  car.  An' 
that  was  his  welcome  home. 

"  ^  Call  me  HanniganofFski,'  says  he  las'  night.  ^  I  'm 
goin'  to  Rooshia,'  he  says.  ^  F  'r  to  be  a  slave  iv  th'  Czar  ?  ' 
says  I.  '  Well,'  says  he,  '  if  I  've  got  to  be  a  slave,'  he 
asys,  *  I  'd  rather  be  opprissed  be  th'  Czar  thin  be  a  dealer 
in  shirt  waists,'  he  says.  ^  Th'  Czar  ain't  so  bad,'  he  says. 
*  He  don't  care  what  I  wear  undherneath,'  he  says." 

166 


The  New  Tork  Custom  House 

''  Oh,  well,  di^^'le  mend  Hannigan,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
'^  It  's  little  sympathy  I  have  f  'r  him,  gallivantin'  off 
acrost  th'  ocean  an'  spindin'  money  he  arned  at  home. 
Annyhow,  Hannigan  an'  th'  likes  iv  him  is  all  raypublicans." 

"  That 's  why  I  can't  make  it  out,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Why  do  they  stick  him  up  ?  Maybe  th'  sicrety  iv  th' 
threeasury  is  goin'  in  to  what  Hogan  calls  th'  lingery 
business  an'  is  gettin'  information  on  th'  fashions.  But  I 
wondher  why  they  make  thim  swear  to  affidavits." 

"  'T  is  wrong,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  We  're  an  honest 
people." 

"  We  are,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  We  are,  but  we  don't 
know  it." 


167 


^ 


SOME  POLITICAL 
OBSERVATIONS 


169 


^ 


SOME  POLITICAL 
OBSERVATIONS 


"  ^  ^  TAS  ye  iver  in  Noo  York  ? "  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 
%/%/       "I  wint  through  there   wanst,"  said  Mr. 

Hennessy. 
"  Well,  ye  're  lucky  't  was  ye  done  th'  goin'  through," 
said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  'T  is  not  th'  expeeryence  iv  most  iv 
our  westhren  plutocrats.  But  it  must  be  th'  fine  place 
f'r  poUytics.  'Tis  manny  years  since  I  took  an  active  part 
in  that  agrable  game  beyond  stickin'  up  th'  lithygrafts  iv 
both  th'  distinguished  lithygrafters  that  was  r-runnin'  f'r 
office  in  me  front  window.  But  if  I  had  a  little  liquor 
store  down  in  Noo  York,  I'd  be  in  pollytics  up  to  me 
chin.  I  wud  so.  Out  here  th'  floaters  is  all  bums.  Down 
there  th'  floaters  ar-re  all  mimbers  iv  th'  Club.  Out  here 
we  have  to  pay  thim  two  dollars  apiece  at  important  ilic- 
tions  f  'r  aldhermen  an'  wan  dollar  whin  some  minor  officer 
like  prisidint  is  bein'  ilicted.  Down  there  all  we  have  to 
do  is  whistle  in  fr-ront  iv  a  rayform  club.  Out  here  a 
man  that  often  changes  his  shirt  don't  often  change  his 

171 


Air.  ly^olef  s  Opinions 

pollytics.  A  man 's  in  tli'  same  party  till  he  takes  th' 
broad  jump  —  an'  sometimes  aftherward,  f'r  most  iv  th' 
people  in  this  ward  wud  die  befure  they  'd  be  burrid  be  a 
raypublican  undertaker.  Down  there  a  man  has  a  r-right 
to  change  his  mind  if  he  has  a  mind  to  change  it,  d  'ye 
mind,  Hinnissy. 

"An'  'tis  down  there  th'  boys  gets  a  clutch  on  th' 
green.  A  Chicago  pollytician  in  Noo  York  wud  be  like 
a  short  change  man  from  a  dime  museera  box-office  at  a 
meetin'  iv  th'  Standard  ile  comp'ny.  Ye  've  seen  thim  out 
here  at  th'  con-vintions  with  their  tall  bonnets  on  th'  side 
iv  their  heads,  swallow-tail  coats  ivry  night,  *  Boy,  a  pail 
iv  champagne.'  Oh,  th'  fine  men !  Whin  I  re-read  about 
thim  in  th'  pa-apers,  I  think  I  'm  in  fairy  land.  What  th* 
divvle  do  they  care  f  'r  anny  wan  ?  Th'  back  iv  th'  hand 
an'  th'  sowl  iv  th'  fut  to  wan  an'  siv'ral.  Divry,  Carroll, 
'Tim'  Soolyvan,  Moxy  Freeman, — splindid  men  with 
money  to  throw  at  th'  bur-rds,  but  th'  game  law  in  force. 
Fine  sthrong  American  citizens,  an'  Jew  men,  with  their 
hand  on  th'  pulse  iv  the  people  an'  their  free  forearm  again 
th'  wind-pipe.  Glory  be,  why  have  n't  we  their  likes 
here  ? 

"  An'  Croker.  They  'se  th'  boy  f  'r  me  money,  or  wud 
be  if  he  knew  that  I  had  it.  He's  th'  boy  f'r  anny  man's 
money.  He  knows  th'  game.  They  'se  as  much  diff 'rence 
between  th'  hand-shakin', '  What  'll-ye-have-boys '  pollytics 

172 


Some  Political  Observations 

an'  th'  rale  article  as  there  is  between  checkers  an'  murdher. 
He  's  lile  to  his  frinds,  but  he  has  no  frinds.  He 's  con- 
sistent but  he  ain't  obstinate.  He  's  out  f'r  th'  money  an' 
he  don't  care  who  knows  it  if  they  've  had  a  part  iv  it 
thimsilves.  He  's  larned  that  they  'se  a  fam'ly  enthrance  to 
th'  bank  as  well  as  to  th'  saloon.  He  started  in  life 
thinkin'  all  men  was  as  bad  as  himsilf  but  expeeryence  has 
con-vinced  him  they  ar-re  worse.  He 's  larned  that  men 
can  talk  thimsilves  to  death  an'  he  's  willin'  to  let  thim  do 
it.  He 's  heerd  iv  th'  bonds  iv  love  an'  frindship  an 
feelty  but  he  prefers  a  cash  forfeit.  He  's  me  ideel  states- 
man, so  far.  I  won't  change  till  I  find  wan  that  can  keep 
on  gettin'  it  an'  not  cut  it  up  with  annywan.  Thin  I  '1' 
turn  me  pitcher  iv  Croker  to  th'  wall  an'  paint  out  his 
minichoor  that  I  wear  over  me  heart. 

^'  He  don't  stay  in  this  counthry  much,  an'  I  don't 
blame  him.  He  goes  over  to  England  whiniver  he  wants 
to  an'  ye  bet  he  ain't  down  in  th'  basemint  iv  th'  ship 
listenin'  to  th'  Eyetalyan  playin'  on  th'  accorjeen.  No 
sir.  An'  whin  he  gets  to  England,  he  don't  sleep  in  th' 
park.  Ye  bet  ye.  He  's  got  th'  adjinin'  house  to  th' 
Jook  iv  Cornwall  an'  him  an'  th'  king  can  be  seen  anny 
hour  iv  th'  afternoon  on  th'  verandah  iv  th'  Tower  iv 
London  talkin'  it  over.  Well,  manetime,  th'  people  at 
home  they  begin  to  have  delusions  about  thimsilves. 
They  begin  to  think   they  're  loose  whin  't  is  on'y  that 

173 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 

tli'^  chain  's  lenthened.  Somebody  tells  thim  about  vice 
an'  they  say,  *By  Jove,  let's  suppress  it.'  Rayformers, 
Hinnissy,  is  in  favor  iv  suppressin'  ivrything,  but  rale 
pollytipians  believes  in  suppressin'  nawthin'  but  ividince. 
A  meetin'  iv  th'  Assocyation  iv  Dealers  in  Roochin'  is 
called,  an'  th'  chairman  declares  that  th'  time  has  come  to 
rid  th'  city  iv  th'  neefaryous  despot  who  is  desthroyin'  all 
our  liberties.  ^  But,'  says  he,  '  th'  inimy  is  sthrong  an' 
well  organized,'  he  says.  ^  He  is  a  shrewd  an'  raysoorce- 
ful  foe.  I  move,'  he  says,  ^  that  't  is  th'  sinse  iv  this 
meetin','  he  says,  *  that  we  proceed  to  be  strong  an'  well 
organized  an'  a  shrewd  an'  raysoorceful  foe  too.  Th'  ayes 
have  it.  I  now  propose  as  our  candydate  f'r  mayor, 
Doctor  Doocetray,  pro-fissor  iv  Greek  an'  Latin  in  th' 
Univarsity.  I  am  informed  be  me  shippin'  clerk  that 
there  ar-re  manny  Greeks  an'  Latins  in  whativer-th'-divvle 
he  calls  th'  sthreet  he  lives  in  an'  th'  pro-fissor  can  hand 
it  to  thim  in  their  own  language.  With  this  gallant  leader 
at  th'  head  iv  our  ticket,  we  can  be  assured  iv  a  success 
that  will  mane  that  all  corruption  undher  two-dollars  an' 
all  unlisted  vice  will  be  fearlessly  punished.  So  let  us,' 
he  says,  ^  to  our  wurruk.  I  promise  ye  that  th'  mornin'  iv 
Decimber  sixth,  which  I  am  informed  be  th'  sicrety  is 
iliction  day,  will  find  me  th'  first  man  to  vote  at  ^Newport 
to  crush  out  this  octopus  which  is  sthranglin'  our  noble 
city,'  he  says.     ^  Dillygates,'  he  says,  ^will  be  furnished 

174 


Some  Political  Observations 

with  slips  iv  pa-aper  tellin'  what  precint  they  live  in  be 
th'  man  at  th'  dure/  he  says. 

"  An'  th'  campaign  opens.  A  gr-reat  manny  organiza- 
tions rallies  ar-round  th'  standard  iv  th'  Pro-fissor  Dooceace. 
They  'se  th'  Why- was  n't-Dinnis-J.-0'Shaughnessy- 
nommynated-f'r-sheriff  Assooyation  an'  th'  Can't- 
Cassidy-break-in  Assocyation,  an'  th'  Navtthin'-has- 

COME-THIS-WAY-SO-HERE-GOES      ASSOCYATION,     an'     th' 

Ain't- th'-Germans-goin'-to-get-annything-an'-rid- 
DER  AssocYATiON.  They  'se  anny  quantity  iv  orators  —  an' 
none  is  so  con-vincin'  as  Tityrus  T.  Wooley.  If  annywan 
speaks  iv  a  dimmycrat  or  a  raypublican  holdin'  a  job  he 
feels  faint.  His  side  whiskers  curls  up  at  th'  suggestion 
iv  vice.  Thousan's  goes  to  hear  his  clane  cut,  incisive 
orations  agin  th'  crool  an'  despotic  reign  iv  Tamm'ny. 
Afther  Tityrus  T.  Wooley  gets  through  talkin'  they  'se  not 
a  man  in  th'  party  wud  take  an  office  onless  he  'd  voted 
again  his  own  candydate  f'r  prisidint  at  laste  twic't. 
Raypublican s  goes  home  an'  burns  up  th'  letther  Abraham 
Lincoln  wrote  their  fathers,  an'  dimmycrats  speak  iv 
Jefferson  an'  Jackson  undher  their  breaths.  They'se 
pitchers  iv  Tityrus  T.  Wooley  as  th'  scoorge  iv  Croker  in  th' 
pa-apers  an  ivry  time  he  opens  his  mouth,  th'  pool  rooms 
closes.  It  begins  to  look  'as  though  Tityrus  T.  Wooley 
was  not  goin'  to  lave  enough  iv  Tamm'ny  Hall  f  'r  a  meal 
ticket,  whin  Croker  comes  home  an'  hears  iv  th'  trouble. 

175 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

'^  '•  Who 's  th'  worst  iv  thim  ? '  says  he.  '  Wooley/  says 
they.  '  What  does  he  want  ? '  '  He 's  in  favor  iv  non- 
partisanship  in  pollytics.'  ^  But  what  does  he  want  ? ' 
^  He  's  says  that  nawthin'  will  satisfy  him  but  sindin'  us 
to  th'  pinitinchry.'  '  But  what  does  he  want  ? '  *  An' 
installin'  pure  minded  pathrites  in  office.'  *But  what 
does  he  want  ? '  ^  An'  freein'  th'  city  iv  th'  rule  iv  corrupt 
organizations.'  ^I  know  all  that.  But  what  does  he 
want  ? '  An'  that  night  some  wan  tells  Tityrus  T.  Wooley 
he 's  goin'  to  be  nommynated  f  r  mayor.  He  comes  over 
to  find  out  about  it.  'Misther  Wooley,'  says  th'  Main 
Thing,  ^  't  is  th'  sinse  iv  th'  organization  that  ye  be  nommy- 
nated f'r  mayor.'  'This  is  very  sudden,'  says  Tityrus. 
'  I  must  have  time  to  make  up  me  mind.  I  will  do  it 
while  ye 're  r-readin'  me  letther  iv  acciptance.  Ye  will 
see  't  is  sworn  to  be  a  nothry  public.  But  I  cannot  make 
anny  pledges,'  he  says.  '  We  'd  rather  not  have  thim,' 
says  th'  Main  Thing.  '  We  have  no  manes  iv  handlin' 
glass  ware/  he  says.  '  I  will  go  into  office  without  anny 
conditions,'  says  Tityrus.  '  Sure,'  says  th'  Gov'nor.  '  Ye  '11 
find  th'  conditions  on  th'  desk.  Besides,'  he  says,  '  bad  as 
ye  want  this  job,  ye  '11  want  th'  nex'  wan  worse,'  he  says. 
An'  th'  nex'  day  they  'se  a  letther  in  th'  pa-aper  in  which 
Tityrus  T.  Wooley  announces  that  as  his  on'y  purpose  in 
pollytics  was  to  injooce  th'  ancient  an'  hon'rable  s'ciety  to 
nommynate  a  man  iv  high  character  an'  spotless  repyta- 

176 


Some  Political  Observations 

tion,  he  feels  he  can  no  longer  oppose  it.  That  afthernoon 
ye  can  put  a  dollar  on  a  horse  in  th'  rooms  iv  th'  Wooley 
an'  Purity  League.  Yes,  sir,  they  're  gr-reat  people,  thim 
Tamm'ny  men." 

"  How  do  they  do  it  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "nearly  all  th'  most  foolish 
people  in  th'  counthry  an'  manny  iv  th'  wisest  goes  to 
Noo  York.  Th'  wise  people  ar-re  there  because  th' 
foolish  wint  first.  That 's  th'  way  th'  wise  men  make  a 
livin'.  Th'  easiest  thing  in  th'  wurruld  is  th'  crather 
that 's  half-on,  an'  mos'  iv  th'  people  down  there  are  jus' 
half-on.  They'se  no  more  crooked  people  there  thin 
annywhere  else  but  they  'se  enough  that  wud  be  ashamed 
to  confiss  that  they  were  n't  crooked,  to  give  a  majority. 
That 's  where  our  la-ads  have  th'  others  beat." 

"  They  may  slip  up,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

'^  They  're  li'ble  to  wanst  in  a  while,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  But  't  is  wan  iv  th'  chances  iv  war.  A  ray  former  thries 
to  get  into  office  on  a  flyin'  machine.  He  succeeds  now 
an'  thin,  but  th'  odds  are  a  hundherd  to  wan  on  th'  la-ad 
that  tunnels  through." 


12  177 


YOUTH  AND  AGE 


179 


YOUTH  AND  AGE 


"  T    SEE  that  Tiddy  —  "  Mr.  Dooley  began. 

I       "  Don't  be  disrayspictful,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"I  'm  not  disrayspictful,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  I  'm 
affictionate.  I  'm  familyar.  But  I  'm  not  disrayspictful. 
I  may  be  burned  at  th'  stake  f'r  it.  Whiniver  annything 
happens  in  this  counthry,  a  comity  iv  prom'nent  business 
men,  clargymen  an'  colledge  pro-fissors  meets  an'  raysolves 
to  go  out  an'  lynch  a  few  familyar  dimmycrats.  I  wondher 
why  it  is  th'  clargy  is  so  much  more  excitable  thin  anny 
other  people.  Ye  take  a  man  with  small  side  whiskers, 
a  long  coat  an'  a  white  choker,  a  man  that  wudden't  harm 
a  spider  an'  that  floats  like  an  Angel  iv  Peace  as  Hogan 
says,  over  a  mixed  quartette  choir,  an'  lave  annything  stir- 
rin'  happen  an'  he  '11  sind  up  th'  premyums  on  fire  insur- 
ance. Lave  a  bad  man  do  a  bad  deed  an'  th'  preachers  is 
all  f  r  quartherin'  ivrybody  that  can't  recite  th'  thirty-nine 
articles  on  his  head.  If  somebody  starts  a  fire,  they  grab 
up  a  can  iv  karasene  an'  begin  f  r  to  burn  down  th'  block. 
'T  is  a  good  thing  preachers  don't  go  to  Congress.  Whin 
they  're  ca'm  they  'd  wipe  out  all  th'  laws  an'  whin  they  're 

181 


Air.  Doolejfs  Opinions 

excited,  they'd  wipe  out  all  th'  popylation.  They're 
niver  two  jumps  fr'm  th'  thumbscrew.  'Tis  quare  th' 
best  iv  men  at  times  shud  feel  like  th'  worst  tow'rd  those 
between. 

"But  annyhow,  I  see  that  Tiddy,  Prisidint  Tiddy, — 
here's  his  health  —  is  th'  youngest  prisidint  we've  iver 
had,  an'  some  iv  th'  pa-apers  ar-re  wondherin'  whether 
he 's  old  enough  f  r  th' .  raysponsibilities  iv  th'  office.  He 
is  n't  afraid,  but  a  good  manny  ar-re,  that  a  man  iv  on'y 
forty-two  or  three,  who  has  n't  lost  a  tooth,  an'  maybe  has 
gained  a  few,  a  mere  child,  who  ought  to  be  playin'  mibs 
or  *  Run,  sheep,  run,'  at  Eyesther  Bay,  will  not  be  able  f  r 
to  conduct  th'  business  iv  Gover'mint  with  th'  proper 
amount  iv  infirmity.  Some  day  whin  th'  cab'net  hobbles  in 
to  submit  a  gr-reat  quistion  iv,  foreign  policy,  th'  prisidint 
'11  be  out  in  th'  back  yard  performin'  at  knock  up  an' 
catch  with  his  sicrety.  Whin  he  wants  to  see  a  foreign 
ambassadure,  he  won't  sind  f'r  him  an'  rayceive  him 
standin'  up  with  wan  hand  on  th'  .Monroe  docthrine  an' 
th'  other  on  th'  map  iv  our  foreign  possissions,  but  will 
pull  his  hat  over  his  eyes  an'  go  ar-round  to  Lord  Ponsy- 
foot's  house  an'  whistle  or  call  out,  *Hee-oo-ee.'  He'll 
have  a  high  chair  at  th'  table  an'  drink  th'  health  iv  his 
guests  in  milk  an'  wather ;  he  '11  outrage  th'  rools  iv  di- 
plomacy be  screarain'  '  fen  ivrythings '  whin  th'  Chinese 
ministher  calls,  an'  instead  iv  studyin'  th'  histhry  iv  our 

182 


Touth  and  Age 


counthrj,  he  '11  be  caught  in  a  corner  iv  th'  White  House, 
peroosin'  th'  histhry  iv  Shorty  in  Sarch  iv  his  Dad.  I 
suppose  we'll  have  th'  usu'l  diffyculties  with  him, — 
raakin'  him  comb  his  hair  an'  black  th'  heels  iv  his  boots 
an'  not  put  his  elbows  on  th'  table,  an'  not  reach  or  pint, 
an'  go  to  bed  afther  supper  an'  get  up  in  time  f  r  breakfast, 
an'  keep  away  fr'm  th'  wather  an'  cut  out  cigreets  an'  go 
back  to  his  room  an'  thry  behind  th'  ears.  But  what  can 
ye  expict  fr'm  a  kid  iv  forty-two  ? " 

"  I  wondher  sometimes,  Hinnissy,  whin  is  a  man  old 
enough.  I've  seen  th'  age  limit  risin'  iver  since  I  wint 
into  public  life.  Whin  I  was  a  young  la-ad,  a  fellow  wud 
come  out  iv  coUedge  or  th'  rayform  school  or  whativer 
was  his  alma  mather,  knock  down  th'  first  oF  man  in  his 
way  an'  leap  to  th'  fr-ront.  Ivry  time  school  let  out, 
some  aged  statesman  wint  back  like  Cincinnati  to  his 
farm  an'  was  glad  to  get  there  safe.  Ye  cud  mark  th' 
pro-gress  iv  youth  be  th'  wreck  iv  spectacles,  goold-headed 
walkin'  sticks,  unrale  teeth,  an'  pretinded  hair.  Th' 
sayin'  was  in  thim  days,  ol'  men  f  r  th'  crossin',  young 
men  f  r  th'  cab.  Whin  ol'  age  discinded  like  a  binidic- 
tion  on  a  man's  head,  we  put  a  green  flag  in  his  hand  an' 
gave  him  a  good  steady  job  as  assistant  to  an  autymatic 
gate.  Age  is  gr-reat,  Hinnissy,  as  a  flagman.  It  saves 
th'  thrucks  an'  drays  iv  life  fr'm  gettin'  in  th'  wayiv  th' 
locymotives.     But  it  don't  stop  th'  locymotives.      They 

183 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

come  too  fast.  Fifteen  or  twinty  years  hince,  whin  I 
become  machure,  I  can  tell  ye  ivrything  nearly  ye 
ought  n't  to  do  but  nawthin'  ye  ought  to  do. 

"  In  th'  oF  days,  a  man  was  a  man  whin  he  voted  —  at 
twinty-wan  in  Boston,  at  eighteen  in  th'  sixth  war-rd.  I 
r-read  in  this  pa-aper  that  't  was  even  more  so  befure  me 
time.  Alexandher  th'  Gr-reat  was  on'y  foorteen  whin  he 
conkered  Boolgahrya,  Caesar  was  jus'  fr'm  business  col- 
ledge  whin  he  put  Mark  Antony  out  iv  th'  business. 
Frederick  th'  Gr-reat  was  in  skirts  whin  he  done  whativer 
he  done  an'  done  it  well.  Fox  an'  Pitt,  if  I  have  th' 
names  r-right,  was  in  compound  fractions  whin  they  wint 
into  th'  council.  Why,  Hinnissy,  I  was  hardly  thirty-five 
whin  I  accipted  th'  prisidincy  iv  this  establishment  with 
all  its  foreign  complications  an'  rivinoo  problems !  A  man 
iv  thirty  was  counted  machure,  a  man  iv  forty  was  looked 
on  as  a  patriarch  an'  whin  a  man  got  to  be  fifty,  th'  fam'ly 
put  his  chair  in  th'  corner  an'  give  him  th'  back  bedroom. 
I  had  it  all  fixed  to  make  me  millyion  at  thirty  an'  retire. 
I  don't  rayminiber  now  what  happened  to  me  between 
twinty-nine  an'  thirty- wan. 

"  But  nowadays,  be  hivins,  a  man  don't  get  started  till 
he's  too  old  to  run.  Th'  race  iv  life  has  settled  down  to 
something  between  a  limp  an'  a  hobble.  'T  is  th'  ol' 
man's  time.  An  orator  is  a  boy  orator  as  long  as  he  can 
speak  without  th'  aid  iv  a  dintal  surgeon  ;  an  acthor  is  a 

184 


Youth  and  Age 


boy  acthor  until  he 's  so  old  he  can't  play  King  Lear  with- 
out puttin'  a  little  iv  th'  bloom  iv  youth  on  his  cheeks  out 
iv  th'  youth  jar ;  a  statesman  that  can't  raymimber  what 
Bushrod  Wash'nton  thought  about  th'  Alyen  an'  Sedition 
law  belongs  in  th'  nurs'ry.  I  look  ar-round  me  at  th' 
pitchers  iv  gr-reat  men  in  th'  pa-aper  an'  greatness  manes 
white  whiskers.  There's  no  such  thing  as  age.  If 
Methuselah  was  alive,  he  'd  be  captain  iv  a  football  team. 
Whin  a  man  gets  to  ninety,  he 's  jus'  beginnin'  to  feel 
sthrong  enough  f  r  wurruk.  Annybody  that  thries  to  do 
annything  befure  he  's  an  oncomfortable  risk  f  r  th'  life 
insurance  comp'ny  is  snubbed  f  r  youthful  impertinence. 
'  A  new  lithry  light  has  appeared  on  th'  lithrachoor  hori- 
zon. Although  on'y  eighty-two,  his  little  story  iv  "  An 
afthemoon  with  Prudy  "  shows  gr-reat  promise.  We  hope 
he  will  some  day  do  something  worthy  iv  him.'  '  Keokuk 
H.  Higbie  has  been  ilicted  prisidint  iv  th'  G.  0.  an'  L. 
system  to  take  th'  place  iv  Lamson  N.  Griggs  who  has 
become  head  coach  iv  th'  Cintinaryan  Athletic  club.  Mr. 
Higbie  has  had  a  meteeyoric  career,  havin'  risen  in  less 
thin  eighty  years  fr'm  th'  position  iv  brakeman  to  be  head 
iv  this  gr-reat  system.  Youth  must  be  sarved.'  *  A 
vacancy  is  expicted  in  th'  supreme  coort.  Misther  Justice 
CoUigan  will  cillybrate  his  wan  hundherd  an'  fiftieth  birth- 
day nex'  month  an'  it  is  ixpected  he  will  retire.  That 
august  body  becomes  more  an'  more  joovenile  ivry  year, 

185 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

ail'  there  is  danger  it  will  lose  th'  rayspict  iv  th'  naytion. 
Manny  iv  th'  mimbers  was  not  prisint  whin  th'  constitu- 
tion was  signed  an'  don't  know  anny thing  about  it.' 

"So  it  goes.  Mind  ye,  Hinnissy,  I  don't  object.  'Tis 
all  r-right  in  me  hand,  f  r,  though  far  fr'm  decrepit,  barrin' 
th'  left  leg,  I  'in  old  enough  to  look  down  on  Prisidint 
Tiddy  if  I  did  n't  look  up  to  him.  If  I  was  as  old  as  I 
am  now  whin  I  was  as  young  as  I  was  befure  th'  war,  I  'd 
be  shy  ivry  time  I  see  a  man  come  into  th'  pasture  with  a 
bag  an'  an  axe.  They  say  rayspict  f  r  oF  age  is  gone  out. 
That  may  be  thrue,  but  if 't  is  so,  't  is  because  us  ol'  la-ads 
is  still  doin'  things  on  th'  thrapeze.  I  don't  w^ant  anny 
man's  rayspict.  It  manes  I  don't  count.  So  whin  I  come 
to  think  it  over,  I  agree  with  th'  pa-apers.  Prisidint 
Tiddy  is  too  young  f  r  th'  office.  What  is  needed  is  a 
man  iv  —  well,  a  man  iv  my  age.  An'  I  don't  know  as 
I  'm  quite  ripe  enough.  I  'm  goin'  out  now  to  roll  me 
hoop." 

'^  Go  on  with  ye,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  Whin  do  ye 
think  a  man  is  old  enough?  " 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  a  man  is  old  enough  to  vote 
whin  he  can  vote,  he  's  old  enough  to  wurruk  whin  he  can 
wurruk.  An'  he  's  old  enough  to  be  prisidint  whin  he 
becomes  prisidint.     If  he  ain't,  't  will  age  him." 


186 


ON  WALL  STREET 


187 


I       ON  JVALL  STREET 


WELL,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  ''  I  see  th'  Titans 
iv  Finance  has  clutched  each  other  be  th' 
throat   an'  engaged   in   a   death   sthruggle. 
Glory  be,  whin  business  gets  above  sellin'  tinpinny  nails 
in  a  brown  paper  cornucopy,  'tis  hard   to  tell  it  fr'm 
.  murther." 

I  "  What 's  a  Titan  iv  Fi-nance  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"A  Ti-tan  iv  Fi-nance,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "is  a  man 
that's  got  more  money  thin  he  can  carry  without  bein' 
disordherly.  They  'se  no  intoxicant  in  th'  wurruld,  Hinnissy, 
like  money.  It  goes  to  th'  head  quicker  thin  th'  whiskey 
th'  dhruggist  makes  in  his  back  room.  A  little  money 
taken  fr'm  frinds  in  a  social  way  or  f  r  th'  stomach's  sake 
is  not  so  bad.  A  man  can  make  money  slowly  an'  go  on 
increasin'  his  capacity  till  he  can  carry  his  load  without 
staggerin'  an'  do  nawthin'  vilent  with  a  millyon  or  two 
aboord.  But  some  iv  these  la-ads  has  been  thryin'  to 
consume  th'  intire  output,  an'  it  looks  to  me  as  though 
'twas  about  time  to  call  in  th'  polls.  'Tis  like  whin 
Scaldy  Quinn  an'  Scrappy  Burke,  two  Titans  at  rough-an'- 

189 


Mr.  Doolefs  Opinions 

tumble,  comes  in  here  to  glory  in  their  strenth  over  th' 
bottle,  an'  Burke  puts  up  a  kag  iv  beer  with  wan  hand 
an'  Quinn  bets  he  can  toss  th'  cabur  further  thin  anriy 
man  on  th'  road,  and  wan  wurrud  leads  to  another,  an*  all 
wurruds  leads  to  a  fight.  *  I  'm  th'  gr-reatest  consolidator 
in  th'  wurruld,'  says  Scaldy  Harriman,  '  I  've  consolidated 
th'.U.  P.,  th'  K.  R.  &  L.,  th'  R.  0.  &  T.,  th'  B.  U.  &  M., 
an'  th'  N.  &  G.,'  says  he.  *  I  've  a  line  iv  smoke  reachin 
fr'm  wan  ocean  to  th'  other,'  he  says,  ^I'm  no  ordin'ry 
person,'  he  says.  ^  I  'm  not  a  banker  lindin'  other  people's 
money  at  six  per  cint.,  or  a  railroad  prisidint  haulin'  hogs 
to  market,'  he  says.  *  I  'm  a  Titan/  he  says.  '  If  ye  don't 
believe  it,  see  th'  pa-apers,'  he  says,  '  an'  ask  me,'  he 
says.  '  I  'm  a  Titan  an'  I  'm  lookin'  f  r  throuble,'  he  says, 
*  an'  here  it  comes,'  he  says.  '  You  a  consolidator  ? '  says 
Scrappy  Morgan.  'Why,'  he  says,  ^ye  cudden't  mix 
dhrinks  fr  me,'  he  says.  *I'ra  th'  on'y  rufFyan  con- 
solidator in  th*  gleamin'  West,'  he  says.  'I've  jined 
th'  mountains  iv  th'  moon  railway  with  th*  canals  iv 
Mars,  an'  I'll  be  haulin'  wind  fr'm  the  caves  iv  Saturn 
befure  th'  first  iv  th'  year,*  he  says.  '  I  'm  a  close  an' 
free  mixer,'  he  says.  *  Titan,  says  ye  ?  I  *m  all  th'  Titans, 
th'  U.  S.  Titan  company  consolidated,  an'  I  *ve  bonded 
th'  strenth  iv  me  back  an'  put  out  five  hundred  millyons 
iv  stock  iv  th'  power  iv  me  mighty  arms,'  he  says.  '  I  Ve 
belted   th'    wurruld   with    steel    an'    I   think   to   mesilf 

190 


On  TVall  Street 


I  '11  now  belt  you/  he  says.  An'  they  closely  embrace. 
What  happens,  says  ye  ?  Well,  th'  big  la-ads  is  sthrong 
and  knows  how  to  guard,  and  whin  they  're  spread  out, 
small  harm  has  come  to  thim.  But  th'  little  dhrunk 
financeers  that  're  not  used  to  th'  flowin'  dividend  an'  th' 
quick  profit  that  biteth  like  a  wasp  an'  stingeth  like  an 
adder,  th'  little  la-ads  that  are  carryin'  more  thin  they  can 
hold  an'  walk,  are  picked  up  in  pieces.  An'  as  f'r  me,  th' 
innocint  man  that  let  the  two  burlies  into  me  place  to  riot, 
I  've  got  to  make  a  call  on  th'  furniture  dealers  in  th» 
mornin'.  That's  what  Hogan  calls,  Oh,  Fi-nance.  Oh, 
Fi-nance,  as  Shakespeare  says,  how  manny  crimes  are 
committed  in  thy  name! 

"  'T  was  a  fine  spree  while  it  lasted,  Hinnissy.  Niver 
befure  in  th'  histhry  iv  th'  wurruld  has  so  manny  barbers 
an'  waiters  been  on  th'  verge  iv  a  private  yacht.  Th' 
capitalist  that  tinded  to  th'  wants  iv  th'  inner  Jawn  W. 
Gates  lost  his  job  at  the  Waldorf-Astorya  f'r  lettin'  his 
diamond  studs  fall  into  a  bowl  of  soup  that  he  was  car- 
ryin' to  a  former  mimber  iv  th'  chambermaid  staff  that  had 
found  a  tip  on  Northern  Passyfic  on  th'  flure  iv  Jim 
Keene's  room,  an'  on  retirin'  offered  to  match  th'  proprie- 
tor f  r  th'  hotel.  Th'  barber  in  th'  third  chair  cut  off  part 
iv  th'  nose  iv  th'  prisident  iv  Con  and  Foundher  whin 
A.  P.  wint  up  fourteen  pints.  He  compromised  with  his 
victim  be  takin'  a  place  on  th'  boord  iv  th'  comp'ny.     Th' 

191 


Mr.  Dooley^ s  Opinions 

effect  iv  th'  boom  on  th'  necessities  iv  life,  like  champagne 
an'  race  horses  an'  chorus  girls,  common  and  preferred, 
was  threeraenjous.  It  looked  f  r  a  while  as  though  most 
iv  th'  meenyal  wurruk  iv  th'  counthry  would  have  to  be 
done  be  old-line  millyionaires  who  'd  made  their  money 
sellin'  four  cints  worth  iv  stove  polish  fr  a  nickle.  But 
it 's  all  past  now.  Th'  waiter  has  returned  to  his  mutton 
an'  th'  barber  to  his  plowshare.  Th'  chorus  girl  has  ray- 
sumcd  th'  position  f  r  which  nature  intinded  her,  an'  th' 
usual  yachtin'  will  be  done  on  th'  cable  cars  at  eight  a.  m. 
and  six  p.  m.,  as  befure.  The  jag  is  over.  Manny  a  man 
that  looked  like  a  powdher  pigeon  a  month  ago  looks  like 
a  hunchback  to-day. 

"  It 's  on'y  a  few  days  since  I  see  be  th'  pa-apers  that 
Tim  Mangan,  th'  bootblack  at  th'  Alhambra  Hotel  had 
made  a  small  fortune  in  stocks.  It  seems  he  used  to 
polish  th'  pedals  f  r  a  Titan  iv  Fi-nance,  that  f 'r  lack  iv 
any  other  kind  iv  a  tip,  gave  him  wan  on  th'  market.  All 
Tim's  frinds  is  delighted  with  his  good  luck.  He  said 
farewell  to  thim  las'  night  at  a  bankit  in  th'  Dead  Fall 
resthrant.  Mr.  Orestes  L.  Hicks,  th'  bull  leader,  was 
prisint  and  pinted  out  Tim  as  an  example  iv  what  a  young 
man  cud  do  be  close  application  an'  industhree  an'  gam- 
blin'.  He  predicted  he  wud  shine  in  th'  wurruld  iv  fi- 
nance as  he  had  in  a  more  humbler,  but  not  less  hon'rable 
spare.     (Laughter  an'  cheers.) 

192 


On  Wall  Street 


"  Thin  I  read  that  Timothy  Mangan,  wanst  a  bootblack 
at  th'  Alhambra  Hotel,  is  supposed  to  be  long  a  large 
block  iv  D.  0.  P.  &  E.  After  that  I  see  that  Timothy  E. 
Mangan,  who  will  be  kindly  raymimbered  be  pathrons  iv 
th'  Alhambra  Hotel,  has  been  conspicuous  in  the  sthreet, 
an'  is  head  iv  a  pool  to  consolidate  th'  Egg,  Oysther  an' 
Pie  plants  iv  th'  counthry.  Th'  nex'  week  't  was  T. 
Emmett  Mangan  was  seen  las'  night  at  th'  Waldorf- 
Astorya,  where  he  was  histin  in  milk  punches  with  his 
frind  Orestes  L.  Hicks.  Mr.  Mangan  is  a  firm  believer  in 
th'  future  iv  stocks.  'Th'  counthry  was  niver  so  pros- 
perous,' he  says.  *  Th'  banks  are  well  protected  an' 
money  is  so  aisy  as  to  be  almost  uncomfortable,'  he  says. 
*  We  ar-re  goin'  to  a  three  per  cint  basis,'  he  says,  '  or 
even  less,'  he  says.  '  Some  stocks  won't  pay  annything,' 
he  says,  'if  shares  like  S.  N.  A.  &  P.,  which  pay  on'y  six 
per  cint,  ar-re  worth  two  hundherd,  shares  that  don't  pay 
annything  are  equally  as  good,  f 'r  what  th'  diwle  is  six 
per  cint  whin  the  counthry  is  so  prosperous?  Waiter,' 
said  th'  dashin*  young  millyionaire,  '  bring  this  journalist  a 
hogshead  iv  champagne  w^ine  an'  ordher  me  gilt  coach  an' 
twelve  horses  f  r  five  o'clock.  I  'm  goin'  to  buy  th'  front 
window  iv  a  joolry  store  f  r  Mame,'  he  says.  '  Ye  can 
keep  th'  change,'  he  says.  '  I  don't  wan't  ye-er  money,' 
says  th'  waiter  haughtily,  thro  win'  down  th'  hundherd 
dollar  bill.  '  Who  ar-re  ye  ? '  says  Mister  Mangan,  cur- 
ls 193 


Mr.  Dooley^s  Opinions 

yously.  '  I  na  the  bull  leader  in  Amalgamated  Hair,'  says 
th'  man,  *  an'  I  'm  ou'y  hangin'  r-round  here  ontil  th' 
boord  iv  directors  gets  off  watch  at  th'  bar  an*  comes  in 
f'r  to  hold  th'  semi-anooal  meetin','  he  says.  Th'  two 
gr-reat  fi-nanceers,  afther  makin'  an  agreement  to  race 
their  yachts  nex'  week,  shook  hands  corjally,  an'  Misther 
Mangan,  havin'  been  helped  on  with  his  red  plush  over- 
coat be  th'  Prisidint  iv  th'  Ump  Naytional  Bank,  was 
escorted  to  th'  dure  be  th'  vice  prisidint  of  th'  Gum  com- 
bine, who  had  on'y  an  hour  befure  handed  in  his  resignation 
as  chief  bell-boy. 

"  That 's  the  las'  I  '11  hear  iv  Tim  Mangan  in  th'  news- 
papers, onless  he 's  took  up  be  th'  polls.  I  have  n't  had 
me  boots  blacked  fr  siveral  Sundahs  because  it  hasn't 
been  rainin',  an'  besides  I  did  n't  want  to  disthract  anny 
iv  our  ladin'  financeers  fr'm  their  jooties  to  the  wealth  iv 
th'  nation.  But  if 't  will  give  ye  anny  satisfaction  to  have 
thim  pumps  iv  ye-ere's  japanned  be  a  former  bull  leader, 
ye  can  go  down  to  th'  Alhambra  Hotel  an'  't  will  be  pro- 
perly done  f'r  five  cints  common,  tin  preferred.  It 's  not 
as  good  a  shine  as  it  was  six  months  ago.  Wanst  a  man 
looks  at  a  ticker,  he  can't  see  sthraight  fr  some  time. 
I  'm  goin'  to  black  me  own  boots  an'  shave  mesilf  till  th' 
effects  iv  the  boom  wears  off.  But  Tim  will  get  back  to 
his  speed  afther  awhile,  an'  some  Saturdah  night,  he  will 
lay  out  fifty  cints  in  two  gallery  seats,  an'  him  an'  th' 

194 


On  Wall  Street 


little  laundhress,  that  he  knew  befure  th'  boom  began,  can 
admire  what 's  left  iv  th'  front  window  iv  th'  joolry  store 
in  th'  back  row  iv  th'  chorus." 

"  Well,  poor  boy,  't  is  too  bad,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  the 
man  of  sentiment. 

"  It  is  so,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.     "  But  crazy  come,  crazy 


195 


COLLEGES  AND  DEGREES 


197 


COLLEGES  AND    DE- 
GREES 


"  T  SEE,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  that  good  oV  Yale,  be- 
I  cause  it  makes  us  feel  so  hale,  dhrink  her  down,  as 
Hogan  says,  has  been  cilljbratin'  her  bicintinry." 

"  What 's  that  ? "  asked  Mr.  Heunessy. 

"  'T  is  what,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  if  it  happened  to  you 
or  me  or  Saint  Ignatyus  Colledge  'd  be  called  our  two  hun- 
dherdth  birthday.  From  th'  Greek,  bi,  two,  cintinry, 
hundherd,  two  hundherd.  Do  ye  follow  ?  'T  is  th'  way 
to  make  a  colledge  wurrud.  Think  iv  it  in  English,  thin 
think  it  back  into  Greek,  thin  thranslate  it.  Two  hun- 
dherd years  ago,  Yale  Colledge  was  founded  be  Eli  Yale, 
an  Englishman,  an'  dead  at  that.  He  didn't  know  what 
he  was  doin'  an'  no  more  did  I  till  I  r-read  iv  these  fistivi- 
ties.  I  knew  it  nestled  undher  th'  ellums  iv  New  Haven, 
Connecticut,  but  I  thought  no  more  iv  it  thin  that 't  was 
th'  name  iv  a  lock,  a  smokin'  tobacco  an'  a  large  school 
nestlin'  undher  th'  ellums  iv  New  Haven  where  ye  sint 
ye'er  boy  if  ye  cud  affoord  it  an'  be  lamed  th'  Greek 

199 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

chorus  an'  th'  American  an'  chased  th'  fleet  fut  ball  an' 
th'  more  fleet  aorist,  a  spoort  that  Hogan  knows  about, 
an'  come  out  whin  he  had  to  an'  wint  to  wurruk.  But, 
ye  take  me  wurrud  f  r  it.  Yale  's  more  thin  that,  Hin- 
nissy.  I  get  it  sthraight  fr'm  th'  thruthful  sons  iv  Yale 
thimsilves  that  if  it  had  n't  been  f  r  this  dear  bunch  iv 
dormitories  nestlin'  undher  th'  ellums  iv  New  Haven,  our 
beloved  counthry  an'  th'  short  end  iv  th'  wurruld  too, 
might  to-day  be  no  betther  thin  they  should  be.  Ivry 
great  inviation  fr'm  th'  typewriter  to  th'  V-shaped  wedge 
can  be  thraced  to  this  prodigal  instichoochion.  But  f 'r 
Yale,  we  'd  be  goin'  to  Europe  on  th'  decks  iv  sailin'  ves- 
sels instead  iv  comin'  away  in  th'  steerage  iv  steamships 
or  stayin'  at  home ;  we  'd  be  dhrivin'  horses,  as  manny  iv 
th'  unlarned  iv  us  do  to  this  day  instead  iv  pushin'  th' 
swift  autymobill  up  hill ;  we  'd  be  writin'  long  an'  amusin' 
letters  to  our  frinds  instead  iv  tillyphonin'  or  tillygraftin' 
thim.  Listen  to  what  me  classical  assocyate  Misther 
Justice  Brewer,  iv  th'  supreme  coort,  '68  —  that  was  th' 
year  he  got  his  ticket  out  —  says  about  our  alma  mather. 

" '  Two  hundherd  years  ago,'  he  says,  '  Yale  had  sivin 
pro-fissors  an'  forty  books ;  to-day  she  has  sivin  hundherd 
pro-fissors  an'  near  three  hundherd  thousan'  volumes  iv 
lore.  Annywan  that  takes  an  inthrest  in  these  subjects 
can  verify  me  remarks  be  applyin'  to  th'  janitor  fr  th' 
keys.     I  am  more  consarned  with  th'  inflooence  iv  Yale 

200 


Colleges  and  Degrees 

on  th'  mateeryal  affairs  iv  th'  wurruld.  Whin  this  beau- 
tiful colledge  first  begun  to  nestle  undher  th'  ellums  iv 
New  Haven,  ships  were  propilled  be  th'  wind  ;  our  vehi- 
cles were  dhrawn  be  th'  ox,  th'  horse,  th'  wife,  th'  camel, 
th'  goat,  th'  Newfoundland  dog,  th'  zebra.  Th'  wind,'  he 
says,  *  blows  no  more  lustier  now  thin  it  did  whin  Paul 
was  tossed  about  th'  Mediterranyan  be  th'  tumulchuse 
what 's-its-name.  Th'  ox  an'  th'  horse  has  grown  no 
sthronger,  I  assure  ye,  thin  whin  Abraham  wint  forth  fr'm 
his  father's  house.  But  if  Paul  was  livin'  to-day,  he  wud 
go  to  Rome  be  th'  Rome  an'  Tarsus  thransportation  line, 
first-class.  I  don't  know  where  he  'd  get  th'  money  but 
he  'd  find  it  somewhere.  He  'd  go  to  Rome  first-cabin  an' 
whin  he  was  in  Rome,  he  wud,  as  Prisidint  Hadley's  frind 
Cicero  wud  say,  do  as  th'  Romans  do.  So  be  Abraham. 
Ye  can  undherstand  fr'm  this  brief  sketch  what  Yale  has 
done.  She  has  continyed  to  nestle  undher  th'  ellums  iv 
New  Haven  an  th'  whole  face  iv  th'  wurruld  has  been 
changed.  Ye  will  see  th'  value  iv  nestlin'.  I  wud  apply 
th'  method  to  thrusts.  Iv  all  th'  gr-reat  evils  now  threat- 
enin'  th'  body  politic  an'  th'  pollytical  bodies,  these  crool 
organizations  an*  combinations  iv  capital  is  perhaps  th' 
best  example  iv  what  upright  an'  arnest  business  men  can 
do  whin  they  are  let  alone.  They  cannot  be  stamped  out 
be  laws  or  th'  decisions  iv  coorts,  if  I  have  annything  to 
say  about  it,  or  hos-tile  ligislachion  which  is  too  frindly. 

201 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

Their  desthruction  cannot  be  accomplished  be  dimagogues. 
Miraboo,  a  Frinchman,  wanst  excited  th'  Frinch  prolo- 
toory  to  rayvolt.  What  good  came  iv  it  ?  They  made 
France  a  raypublic,  that 's  all.  But  something  must  be 
done  about  th'  thrusts.  They  must  be  desthroyed  or  they 
must  not.  How  to  do  it.  Th'  answer  is  found  in  th' 
histhry  iv  Yale.  Whin  steam  was  discovered,  she  was 
nestlin'  undher  th'  ellums  iv  New  Haven.  Whin  th'  tilly- 
graft  was  invinted,  she  nestled.  She  nestled  two  hun- 
dherd  years  ago.  She  is  still  nestlin'.  I  ask  her  sons  to 
profit  be  th'  example  iv  their  almy  mather  an'  nestle. 
Whin  things  go  wrong,  nestle.  Whin  th*  counthry  is 
alarmed,  nestle.  Do  not  attimpt  to  desthroy  th'  hateful 
thrusts  with  harsh  laws  or  advarse  ligislachion.  Nestle. 
An'  there  are  worse  places  to  nestle  in  thin  a  good  thrust. 
An'  if  ye  feather  th'  nestle,  it 's  aisier  on  ye.' 

"  Well,  sir,  I  think  't  was  good  advice,  an'  I  'm  sure, 
Hinnissy,  that  th'  assimbled  hayroes  iv  culture  thought 
well  iv  their  degrees  whin  they  got  thim.  What 's  a 
degree,  says  ye  ?  A  degree  is  a  certyficate  fr'm  a  ladin' 
university  entitlin'  ye  to  wear  a  mother  Hubbard  in  spite 
iv  th'  polls.  It  makes  ye  doctor  iv  something  an'  enables 
ye  to  practise  at  ye'er  pro-fission.  I  don't  mind  tellin' 
ye,  Hinnissy,  that  if  I  was  a  law  which  I  'm  not,  I  'd 
have  to  be  pretty  sick  befure  I  'd  call  in  manny  iv  th' 
doctors  iv  laws  I  know,  an'  as  f  r  American  lithrachoor,  it 

202 


Colleges  and  Degrees 

don't  need  a  doctor  so  much  as  a  coroner.  But  annyhow 
degrees  is  good  things  because  they  livils  all  ranks.  Ivry 
public  man  is  entitled  ex-officio  to  all  th'  degrees  there 
are.  An'  no  public  or  private  man  escapes.  Ye  have  n't 
got  wan,  ye  say  ?  Ye  will  though.  Some  day  ye  '11  see  a 
polisman  fr'm  th'  University  iv  Chicago  at  th'  dure  an' 
ye  '11  hide  undher  th'  bed.  But  he  '11  get  ye  an'  haul  ye 
out.  Ye  '11  say  :  ^  I  have  n't  done  annything,'  an'  he  '11 
say :  *  Ye  'd  betther  come  along  quite.  I  'm  sarvin'  a  de- 
gree on  ye  fr'm  Prisidint  Harper.'  Some  iv  th'  tliriftier 
univarsities  is  makin'  a  degree  th'  alternytive  iv  a  fine. 
Five  dollars  or  docthor  iv  laws. 

"  They  was  manny  handed  out  be  Yale,  an'  to  each  man 
th'  prisidint  said  a  few  wurruds  explainin'  why  he  got  it, 
so 's  he  'd  know.  I  r-read  all  th'  speeches :  *  Kazoo 
Kazama,  pro-fissor  iv  fan  paintin'  at  th'  Univarsity  iv 
Tokeeo,  because  ye  belong  to  an  oldher  civilization  thin 
ours  but  are  losin'  it,'  to  '  Willum  Beans,  wanst  iditor  iv 
th'  Atlantic  Monthly  but  not  now,'  to  *  Arthur  Somerset 
Soanso  who  wrote  manny  long  stories  but  some  short,' 
to  '  Markess  Hikibomo  Itto  because  he  was  around,'  to 
'Fedor  Fedorvitch  Fedorivinisky  because  he  come  so 
far.' 

^'An'  thin  they  was  gr-reat  jubilation,  an'  shootin'  off 
iv  firewurruks  an'  pomes  be  ol'  gradyates  with  th'  doc- 
thors  iv  lithrachoor  sittin'  in  th'  ambulances  waitin'  f'r  a 

203 


Adr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

hurry  call.  An'  thin  ivry  wan  wint  home.  I  was  glad  to 
r-read  about  it,  Hinnissy.  It  done  me  heart  good  to  feel 
that  boys  must  be  boys  even  whin  they're  men.  An* 
they'se  manny  things  in  th'  wurruld  that  ye  ought  to 
believe  even  if  ye  think  they  're  not  so." 

"  D'  ye  think  th'  colledges  has  much  to  do  with  th'  pro- 
gress iv  th'  wurruld  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"D'ye  think,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "'tis  th'  mill  that 
makes  th'  wather  run?" 


204 


rHE  BOOKER  WASHINGTON 
INCIDENT 


205 


THE 

BOOKER   WASHINGTON 

INCIDENT 


"  H  ^  THAT  ails  th'  prisidint  havin'  a  coon  to  dinner 
\\  at  th'  White  House  ? "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
^'  He 's  a  larned  man,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  He 's  a  coon,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Well,  annyhow,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "it's  goin'  to  be 
th'  roonation  iv  Prisidint  Tiddy's  chances  in  th'  South. 
Thousan's  iv  men  who  wuddeu't  have  voted  f'r  him 
undher  anny  circumstances  has  declared  that  under  no 
circumstances  wud  they  now  vote  f'r  him.  He 's  lost  near 
ivry  state  in  th'  South.  Th'  gran'  oF  commonwealth  iv 
Texas  has  deserted  th'  banner  iv  th'  raypublican  party  an' 
Mississippi  will  cast  her  unanimous  counted  vote  again 
him.  Onless  he  can  get  support  fr'm  Matsachoosetts  or 
some  other  state  where  th'  people  don't  care  annything 
about  th'  naygur  excipt  to  dislike  him,  he  '11  be  beat  sure. 

"  I  don't  suppose  he  thought  iv  it  whin  he  ast  me  cul- 
tured but  swarthy  frind  Booker  T.  They  'd  been  talkin' 
over  th'  race  problem  an'  th'  Cubian  war,  an'  th'  prospects 

207 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

iv  th'  race  an'  th'  Cubian  war,  an'  th'  future  iv  th'  naygro 
an'  th'  Cubian  war,  an'  findin'  Booker  T.  was  inthrested  in 
important  public  subjects  like  th'  Cubian  war,  th'  prisi- 
dint  ast  him  to  come  up  to  th'  White  House  an'  ate  dinner 
an'  have  a  good  long  talk  about  th'  Cubian  war.  '  Ye  '11 
not  be  th'  first  Wash'nton  that 's  et  here,'  he  says.  '  Th' 
other  was  no  rilitive,  or  at  laste,'  says  Booker  T.,  *  he  'd 
hardly  own  me,'  he  says.  ^  He  might,'  says  th'  prisidint, 
*  if  ye  'd  been  in  th'  neighborhood  iv  Mt.  Vernon  in  his 
time,'  he  says.  ^Annyhow,'  he  says,  'come  up.  I'm 
goin'  to  thry  an  experiment,'  he  says.  '  I  want  to  see  will 
all  th'  pitchers  iv  th'  prisidints  befure  Lincoln  fall  out  iv 
th'  frames  whin  ye  come  in,'  he  says.  An'  Booker  wint. 
So  wud  I.  So  wud  annywan.  I  'd  go  if  I  had  to  black  up. 
"  I  didn  't  hear  that  th'  guest  done  annything  wrong  at 
th'  table.  Fr'm  all  I  can  larn,  he  hung  his  hat  on  th' 
rack  an'  used  proper  discrimination  between  th'  knife  an' 
th'  fork  an'  ast  f 'r  nawthin'  that  had  to  be  sint  out  f 'r. 
They  was  no  mark  on  th'  table  cloth  where  his  hands 
rested  an'  an  invintory  iv  th'  spoons  ^fter  his  departure 
showed  that  he  had  used  gintlemanly  resthraint.  At  th' 
con-elusion  iv  th'  fistivities  he  wint  away,  lavin'  his  ilus- 
threes  friend  standin'  on  th'  top  iv  San  Joon  hill  an' 
thought  no  more  about  it.  Th'  ghost  iv  th'  other  Wash'n- 
ton didn' t  appear  to  break  a  soop  tureen  over  his  head. 
P'raps  w^here  George  is  he  has  to  assocyate  with  manny 

208 


Booker  TVashington  Incident 

mimbers  iv  th'  Booker  branch  on  terras  iv  akequality.  I 
don't  suppose  they  have  partitions  up  in  th'  other  wurruld 
like  th'  kind  they  have  in  th'  cars  down  south.  They 
can't  be  anny  Crow  Hivin.  I  wondher  how  they  keep  up 
race  supreemacy.  Maybe  they  get  on  without  it.  Anny- 
how  I  was  n't  worrid  about  Booker  T.  I  have  me  own 
share  iv  race  prejudice,  Hinnissy.  Ne'er  a  man  an' 
brother  has  darkened  this  thresiiold  since  I  've  had  it  or 
will  but  th'  whitewasher.  But  I  don't  mind  sayin'  that 
I  'd  rather  ate  with  a  coon  thin  have  wan  wait  on  me. 
I  'd  sooner  he  'd  handle  his  own  food  thin  mine.  F  'r  me, 
if  anny  thumb  must  be  in  th'  gravy,  lave  it  be  white  if  ye 
please.  But  this  wasn't  my  dinner  an'  it  wasn't  my 
house  an'  I  hardly  give  it  a  thought. 

"But  it  hit  th'  Sunny  Southland.  No  part  iv  th' 
counthry  can  be  more  gloomy  whin  it  thries  thin  th' 
Sunny  Southland  an'  this  here  ivint  sint  a  thrill  iv  horror 
through  ivery  newspaper  fr'm  th'  Pattymack  to  th'  Sugar 
Belt.  'Fr'm  time  immemoryal,'  s^.js  wan  paper  I  read, 
'th'  sacred  rule  at  th'  White  House  has  been,  whin  it 
comes  to  dinner,  please  pass  th'  dark  meat.  It  was  a  wise 
rule  an'  founded  on  thrue  principles.  Th'  supreemacy  iv 
th'  white  depinds  on  socyal  supeeryority  an'  socyal  su- 
peeryority  depinds  on  makin'  th'  coon  ate  in  th'  back  iv 
th'  house.  He  raises  our  food  f'r  us,  cooks  it,  sets  th' 
table  an'  brings  in  th'  platter.  We  are  liberal  an'  we 
14  209 


Jidr.  Doole^f  s  Opinions 

make  no  attimpt  to  supplant  him  with  more  intilligent  an* 
wage  labor.  We  encourage  his  industhry  because  we 
know  that  f 'r  a  low  ordher  iv  intilligence,  labor  is  th'  on'y 
panacee.  It  is  no  good  f 'r  a  thoughtful  man.  We  threat 
him  right.  He  has  plenty  to  do  an'  nawthin'  to  bother 
him  an'  if  he  isn't  satisfied  he  be  hanged.  We  are  slowly 
givin  him  an'  idjacation.  Ivry  year  wan  or  more  naygurs 
is  given  a  good  idjacation  an'  put  on  a  north  bound  freight 
with  a  warnin'.  But  whin  it  comes  to  havin'  him  set 
down  at  th'  table  with  us,  we  dhraw  th'  color  line  an'  th' 
six  shooter.  Th'  black  has  manny  fine  qualities.  He  is 
joyous,  light-hearted,  an'  aisily  lynched.  But  as  a  fellow 
bong  vivant,  not  be  anny  means.  We  have  th'  highest 
rayspict  f'r  Booker  T.  Wash'nton.  He's  an  idjacated 
coon.  He  is  said  to  undherstand  Latin  an'  Greek.  We 
do  not  know.  But  we  know  that  to  feed  him  at  th' 
White  House  was  an  insult  to  ivry  honest  man  an'  fair 
woman  in  th'  Sunny  Southland  an'  a  blow  at  white 
supreemacy.  That  must  be  avinged.  Th'  las'  enthrinch- 
mint  iv  socyal  supeeryority  in  th'  South  is  th'  dinin'  room 
an'  there  we  will  defind  it  with  our  sacred  honor.  We 
will  not  on'y  defind  our  own  dinin'  room  but  ivry  other 
man's,  so  that  in  time,  if  th'  prisidint  iv  th'  United  States 
wants  to  ate  with  a  naygur,  he  '11  have  to  put  on  a  coat  iv 
burnt  cork  an'  go  to  th'  woodshed.  Manetime  we  hear 
that  th'  white  man  in  Alabama  that  voted  f'r  Rosen- 

210 


Booker  TVashington  Incident 

felt  las'  year  has  come   out   again  him.      Th'  tide  has 
turned.' 

"So  there  ye  are.  An'  f'r  th'  life  iv  me,  I  can't  tell 
which  is  right.  But  I  think  th'  prisidint's  place  is  a  good 
dale  like  mine.  I  believe  that  manny  an  honest  heart 
bates  beneath  a  plaid  vest,  but  I  don't  like  a  naygur. 
Howiver,  Hinnissy,  if  Fate,  as  Hogan  said,  had  condemned 
me  to  start  in  business  on  th'  Levee,  I  'd  sarve  th'  black 
man  that  put  down  th'  money  as  quick  as  I  wud  th'  white. 
I  feel  I  wudden't,  but  I  know  I  wud.  But  bein'  that 
I  'm  up  here  in  this  Cowcasyan  neighborhood,  I  spurn  th' 
dark  coin.  They  'se  very  little  iv  it  annyhow  an'  if  anny  iv 
me  proud  customers  was  f'r  to  see  an  unshackled  slave 
lanin'  again  this  bar,  it  'd  go  hard  with  him  an'  with  me. 
Me  frinds  has  no  care  f'r  race  supeeryority.  A  raaly  su- 
peeryor  race  niver  thinks  iv  that.  But  black  an'  white 
don't  mix,  Hinnissy'  an'  if  it  wint  th'  rounds  that  Dooley 
was  handin'  out  rayfrishmint  to  th'  colored  popylation,  I 
might  as  well  change  me  license.  So  be  th'  prisidint. 
They'se  nawthin'  wrong  in  him  havin'  me  frind  Booker 
T.  up  to  dinner.  That 's  a  fine  naygur  man,  an'  if  me  an' 
th'  presidint  was  in  a  private  station,  d  'ye  mind,  we  cud 
f 'rget  th'  color  iv  th'  good  man  an'  say,  *  Booker  T.  stretch 
ye'er  legs  in  front  iv  th'  fire,  while  I  go  to  th'  butcher's 
f'r  a  pound  iv  pork  chops.'  But  bein'  that  I  —  an'  th'  prisi- 
dint —  is  public  sarvants  an'  manny  iv  our  customers  has 

211 


Mr.  Doolef  s  Opinions 

onrais'nable  prejoodices,  an'  afther  all  'tis  to  thim  I've  got 
to  look  f 'r  me  support,  I  put  me  hand  on  his  shouldher 
an'  says  I :  *  Me  colored  frind,  I  like  ye  an'  ye're  idjaca- 
tion  shows  ye  're  a  credit  to  th'  South  that  it  don't  desarve, 
an'  I  wud  swear  black  was  white  f 'r  ye ;  but  swearin'  it 
wudden't  make  it  so,  an'  I  know  mos'  iv  me  frinds  thinks 
th'  thirteenth  amindmint  stops  at  th'  dure  shtep,  so  if  ye 
don't  mind,  I  '11  ast  ye  to  leap  through  th'  dure  with  ye'er 
hat  on  whin  th'  clock  sthrikes  sivin.'  'Tis  not  me  that 
speaks,  Hinnissy,  'tis  th'  job.  Dooley  th'  plain  citizen 
says,  '  Come  in,  Rastus.'  Dooley's  job  says  :  ^  If  ye  come, 
th'  r-rest  will  stay  away.'  An'  I  'd  like  to  do  something 
f 'r  th'  naygur,  too." 

"  What  wud  ye  do  ? "  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  I  'd  take  away  his  right  to 
vote  an'  his  right  to  ate  at  th'  same  table  an'  his  right  to 
ride  on  th'  cars  an'  even  his  sacred  right  to  wurruk.  I  'd 
take  thim  all  away  an'  give  him  th'  on'y  right  he  needs 
nowadays  in  th'  South." 

"What's  that?" 

"Th'  right  to  live,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  If  he  cud  start 
with  that  he  might  make  something  iv  himsilf." 


212 

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